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Confessions of an ANTIFA Hunter

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The following article was brought to my attention by a cousin of mine in Bevin Falls, Kentucky. He clipped it from a rightwing guns and ammo magazine entitled "The Principled Mercenary":

My name is ***********, and I am an American Patriot. As a former Navy Seal, former international arms dealer, former covert operative for "Academi" (the security firm formerly known as "Xe" [formerly formerly known as "Blackwater"*]), former member of the North Carolina State Legislature, former Fox News contributor, and former husband of that lying, cheating, conniving, slutty b***h, formerly known as ***************, I know a little something about high tech surveillance, espionage, and covert reconnaissance missions. Needless to say, given my particular skill set, I am a much sought-after recruitment target for intelligence agencies around the world.

So why have I chosen to devote my precious time and considerable talents to hunting down members of the international terrorist organization known as ANTIFA? Because ANTIFA (short for "anti-fascist") poses the most lethal threat to the very survival of this great country since the advent of organized labor and birth control.

And if, by staking life and limb to defeat this ruthless, heinous, and insidious adversary, that makes me an anti-anti-fascist, I guess I'm proud to wear that label. After all, I may be a soulless, homicidal, automatonic killing machine, but every day of my life I thank God I'm not a fascist, like those radical leftist anarchists we see rioting, looting and mindlessly destroying every last vestige of our national heritage!

So now that I've established the "why" of my righteous campaign against these bloodthirsty animals, what about the "how"?

Without betraying too many tradecraft secrets concerning my modus operandi, let's just say my first priority is to identify an appropriate suspect for surveillance. Typically, my choice of target is determined by his or her position within the invisible hierarchy of the terrorist group in question. This poses a serious challenge in the case of ANTIFA, since it is, without doubt, the most disorganized organization known to law enforcement. Not only is every member of an ANTIFA cell unknown to each of the others, the vast majority are unknown even to themselves .

Case in point: I am currently on the trail of one such unsuspecting member of ANTIFA. According to information gleaned from Facebook and other internet sites (as well as the kombucha-stained remnants of his carelessly discarded junk mail), this elderly Northern California man (we'll call him "Brad") must have been an "OG" in the early ANTIFA movement, as he is known to have made an online purchase, in early 2006, of not one, but two gray skull caps embroidered in red with the word "Anti-fascist" - one full year before the first American chapter of ANTIFA was even (dis)organized in Portland, Oregon! That being said, it is yet to be determined whether or not he is fully aware of his membership in this shadowy cabal.

(According to friends and associates interviewed on background, "Brad" believes he is nothing more than a garden variety anti-fascist, which demonstrates just how self-deluded these Marxist dupes can be.)

Once I have chosen my high value target (in this case, "Brad"), I commence a thorough and detailed investigation into his past criminal activities and associations. One early chapter in young "Brad"'s life foreshadowed the depths of his virulent, anti-American tendencies. It seems that when he turned eighteen, he decided he didn't want to defend his friends and family by traveling halfway around the world to impale himself on a sh*t-covered punji stake. So the sorry little bastard took the coward's way out - he failed to register for the draft, a serious crime for which he was never apprehended or punished. (Felony #1)

Following this maniacal crime spree, "Brad" went to college, where his mind was irreversibly infected by leftist propaganda. It was there he smoked marijuana for the first and only time (beginning in early 1967, and ending sometime in late 1975). (Felony #2)

In 1980, "Brad" canvased for the reelection of the worst president in U.S. history, Jimmy Carter, and against the best, Ronald Wilson Reagan. Not technically a crime, but clear evidence of extremely poor judgment, nonetheless.

From that point on, "Brad" began his rapid descent into anti-capitalist madness. He married a radical vegetarian animal rights activist, became entangled in the Nuclear Freeze Initiative (a Russian communist plot to overthrow the military government of the United States), and was twice arrested for rioting (while seated) and failure to disperse during the Occupy Movement uprising in Sacramento's Cesar Chavez Park (named for the agricultural mobster The National Review once referred to as "Al Capone of the Vineyards"). (Misdemeanors #1 and #2)

In addition to this catalog of sordid crimes, our devious friend "Brad" has a known history of frequenting (some might say "lurking about") middle schools, where he has repeatedly attempted to engage young children in "friendly" conversations, thereby hoping to "gain their trust." Fortunately for the children involved, however, they invariably proved uninterested in his overtures. Nevertheless, he persisted in this alarming and suspicious behavior, right up until the time he retired from teaching.

Taken as a whole, then, all of this irrefutable evidence paints a pretty damning portrait of an unrepentant, anti-social, socialist sympathizer. In light of these facts, can we all agree it's high time to drag his anti-fascist ass out of his hidey-hole and into the light?

Agreed? OK, so, game on! Using a myriad of sophisticated cyber-tools unintentionally acquired during my time at the N.S.A (did I forget to mention that in my introduction?), I lay the groundwork for my surreptitious entry into "Brad"'s suspiciously unfortified compound, disguised as an ordinary two-story house. As I slowly open the front door and slip into his study, I see my quarry seated at his desk, hunched over a dusty keyboard, hammering away, no doubt, at some deranged manifesto calling for extreme measures, like net neutrality and a modest hike in the marginal tax rate on corporate profits. Stealthily, in one swift, fluid movement, I reach out with my gloved hand and gra

(At this point, the narrative is cut off, as the author, Mr. Bradley, appears to have been unaccountably detained, or at least temporarily misplaced. We've tried to reach out to him for comment, but have been told he is unavailable at this time. We apologize for any inconvenience.)

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Mark W. Bradley is a political satirist and retired teacher who lives in Northern California. He has published articles in OpEdNews, Buzzflash, Democratic Underground, Smirking Chimp, Scoop, Online Journal, and many other online (more...)

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