I DECLARE TODAY NATIONAL BEGIN ANEW DAY.
I know that sometimes each of us thinks that they may have done something that hurt our children...in the past. It always manages to humble me and break me.
Last night, I recalled an incident when I was in my very throes of Depression II in 2001 and Sarah and I were living at Steve's apt. in Feather Sound.
Sarah was supposed to go to a party with some girls with whom she attended Jr. High. They were all in HS now ans she has not
seen most of them the whole of 8th grade. They all went to different schools. Thus the party was the summer after their 9th grade year.
Bless her heart, Sarah had been in her own hell. She had suffered some panic attacks and was referred to a wonderful
Dr. Batra...who counseled her and admitted here to a lovely treatment center. Dr. Batra expressed how disgusting he t
hought Anthony Battaglia was for the devastation he had caused in Sarah's life and 'something should be done to him for that'.
That was exactly what the Doctor ordered. It helped Sarah know that it wasn't her fault that this cowardly man said 'I don't have a daughter named Sarah'
when she had called him simply because her loving heart wanted a relationship with him...no things...not money...(only mamma pushed her to that..lol).
Anyway, those were all necessary parts of the rest of the story.
So Steve and I took her to the mall to get an outfit for the party.
She was giddy...you know..most kids would be. I was a little impatient (God forgive me) cause I hate mall lights.
It is a neurosis of mine...but I get dizzy and stuff. She finally found a gorgeous skort and a gorgeous turquoise top that, on her skin, looked terrific.
I have always thought that Sarah is my most beautiful child and while that is meaningless...I know that she has a heart of an angel...
and sometimes the 'devil' invades it.
Since Sarah had been sick with her panic attacks...the doctor had put her own something that caused an increase in her weight.
Here she had been depressed and gained...and I was turning into a skeleton before their very eyes.
Also, Sarah expressed that she wanted her mother back because when one is depressed-they disappear.
Their physical self is there...but the rest is hollow...you could knock them over with a leaf.
She wanted the scrappy fighter that her mother had been...that took on causes, etc.
Scrappy had become Kermit the frog in the famous Warner Brother's cartoon and lost her voice.
It was the evening before the party which would be the next evening. Sarah was trying on her outfit over and over with differeng hairdos.
Then I heard it. I heard my baby crying. I went in and saw this 5'8' little girl crying her eyes out because she thought she was too fat to
go and was too embarrassed. I was devastated. I felt so helpless...and since I wasn't the ususal 'f 'um...if they don't like you
for who you are...' I mean I said it...but not with the same aplomb that the 'normal' Lex would have.
I hugged her soft body close to mine...and cried...for her...and for myself. I said to God....please help me... I need to save my daughter.
Give me some strength.
Steve knocked gently on the door and asked if everything was okay.
I opened it and Sarah was still in tears...and explained how she felt to him. He hugged her..and then I could see the wheels turning.
I went to get a drink of water...and he followed me
'Say...I got an idea....I will give her a Spa Day at the Feather sound country club...nails, hair, massage...all day pampering...maybe it would help her'
I said 'but what sort of message are we sending there...if you look good you are good enough?' He said...'no...not necessarily....it may just help
her feel better physically and mentally'. Part of me had the typical Gloria Steinem issue with this...but the other part...(scrappy) did not feel like
getting into it and thought...'well if it helps'
Next thing I heard was my daughter jumping with glee and saying 'YES-reallly Steve...highlights-YES'
Now, keep in mind that I always had taken Sarah-since a little one...to get haircuts and stuff....but never the whole Beverly Palm white robe spa
treatment...nor had she had blonde highlights. She was thrilled. She gave Steve a big hug.
She came out and told me...and I said 'I know...isn't that great....but you know'
Then I stopped because I was going to get on the soapbox, again...about liking what's inside...but did not want to be 'Debbie Downer'.
Early the next morning-Steve took her over the the spa. He gave her his cell to use so she could call if she
needed anything. It was so cute...she called between massage and pedicure...said she was waiting...lol.
She was so happy....just so happy. 'It smells so good in here, Mommy'.
Steve went to pick her up around 5 ish...cause the party was at 7 in Brandon...T
hey came home and told me to not peek. She went in and put her outfit on...and came out ...TA DA.
She broke my heart with her beauty. Big or not...She looked like a movie star.
Her skin which is like Cafe au lait (which I stole from a song) and the blonde just brought out her green eyes...
and then here dimples that melt my heart...and everyone elses'.
She was the hit of the party. Her nemesis even said 'Wow...you look GREAT'.
I know...we know...It isn't about what you look like...
but that is suspended right now...cause it is about someone that does something extraordinary...
and you remember that...above all else...when you may be ready to hate them or not forgive them for something.
Steve was my hero that day. I will always remember-or at least try-
when I want to hate him for past faults, etc. Sarah was my hero that day...because she sucked it up...the weight did not change...her outlook did.
I was crying last night when Steve and I-for some odd reason-were discussing Sarah...and that came up.
Not that it is odd to discuss Sarah...but that that situation came up. Then I dried my tears and said 'it had a happy ending so I need not feel guilty'.
I just felt so guilty in my depression that I couldn't be the same.
I know we all adore our kids. I know that they are most important to us...but sometimes they drive us bananas.
Each of you are great parents...and well sometimes you can do your very best...and crap still happens.
Sometimes we have not been in our finest moments as parents either. But you know...everyone can change right now. Two things exist
in life where emotions are concerned. LOVE AND FEAR. LOVE conquers all...and FEAR erodes Everything. CHANGE. YOu can do it.
I have tried to get in touch with Sarah over 1000 times...letters, calls, put an ad on CL.
She just isn't ready. Okay...I will wait. It may never happen.
I LOVE YOU my Sarah. If you ever see this.
You were my sweet baby with the dimples and the sweetest disposition...and sometimes very mischievious...but I love that, too.
I hope God lays his hands on your life and I hope God lays hands on all of you and your children's lives.
God= whatever universal strength that you believe in.