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Burnin' My House Down; Mike Huckabee is a real piece of work.

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Message Tom Aiken
Mike Huckabee is a real piece of work.Â

A former fat man turned fathead, perennial presidential candidate ["Mister"] Huckabee has been channeling his inner sociopath of late. While certainly no less an insect than any of his Republican brethren, "Huck" has always cloaked his sadism in a folksy "Jesus just told me the other day" cape that fools the many... mostly because the many are willing to be fooled. But, on this particular cloudy morning, Mike Huckabee has chosen the wrong kitchen counter to alight upon for his daily bacterial intake.

I developed epilepsy in 2000 -- one of the 20 percent of male alcoholics who managed to scar up their cerebral cortex during their erstwhile drinking careers. Yeah, let's get a little more specific -- I gave myself epilepsy, according to conservative theology anyway. Never mind the legion of people who tell me how I ought to be so proud of quitting, of my miracle of resolution etcetera, ad nauseam. Nope, according to the Party of Lincoln, I might well be a shining example of control over one's worst instincts -- but I'm still doomed. And the former governor of Arkansas heartily agrees.

It seems "Huck" was discussing pre-existing conditions at yet another of the conservative's oxymoronic "Values Summits" just the other day, and I don't mean traditional voter preferences in blue-leaning states, either. Nope, seems this ex-meat locker has a bit of prejudice against those of us with pre-existing medical conditions.

It's a standard right-wing position actually, especially in reference to a guy like me -- "You done it. You fix it." But Huckabee takes it to new heights. According to him, us pre-conditionaires don't deserve health insurance -- any health insurance -- period. But let's give rodent-boy the podium:

"Suppose we applied that principle (health insurance for those with pre-existing medical conditions) [to] our property taxes? ... you can call your insurance agent and tell him 'I'd like to buy some insurance for my house.' He'd say 'Tell me about your house.' 'Well, sir, it burned down yesterday but I'd like to insure it today.' And he'll say 'I'm sorry but I can't insure it after it's already burned.' Well, no pre-existing conditions."

Take this creature out and euthanize it, please. I've got a pre-existing medical condition. Even more appalling, to "Huck", is the fact I "gave" it to myself. Okay, fair enough in an unfair world, I guess.

But then it struck me -- suppose Huckabee, who used to weigh something like 5,000 pounds, developed a nice case of diabetes from eating like such a disgusting hog back in the day? Bet our "pre-existing medical conditions" clause might change-up a touch were that the case. But no, our boy has his financial backers to lean on. As for me? Well, I suppose you might say I burned my house down... and I can go straight to Hell for all Mr. Weight Watchers Anonymous cares.

Can you imagine this two-legged urinary tract infection as Supreme Commander? Social Security would only be the first hit. Welfare? Unemployment? Food stamps? Forget'em. Go get a landscaping job and have your little shakee-bakees on your own time there, sluggo -- BECAUSE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Never mind the crap I used to suck down is as legal as a cheeseburger. Never mind some of us addict to the garbage and go through utter misery to kick, dragging along all kinds of goodies like seizure disorders and cirrhosis for our trouble. And then -- "Sorry, Bub. No health insurance for you."

Oh, wait, Huck's a "Christian" -- the church will take care of us, right? Or maybe one of New York teahead governor wannabe Carl Paladino's government assistance prison camps would be the answer. Just think, I could learn good hygiene all over again, though they'd probably charge me for my pills.

No, wait -- why don't I just go to work for the "Huckster" himself to build my insurance fund? I could go and buy (wholesale, I'd hope) a load of Huckabee trash from his website store -- baseball hats, coffee mugs, key rings -- pile it all in a box and go out to the nearest busy street corner to hawk the stuff. "Huckabee gear, here!" I could bark, faking seizures when sales start to lag for that all important sympathy value. Might be able to afford an emergency room visit I stay out there for a couple of months, though I doubt it.

Why is it our government representatives are such human filth? Is it because we let them? Is it because it's just the way it is? I refuse to accept that. Malignant office-scroungers like Mike Huckabee don't represent me and I'd sooner be dead than live under his guaranteed-to-suck administration. But how do we fight back?

We fight back with words. Call their shots, insult their highly dubious characters, piss on their legislative lawns. Better yet, screw'em in the voting booth. Then maybe we can put the lot of them in one of those Paladino-style prison camps... for the rest of their worthless lives.

Note: My history has been criticized on my last piece "FDR's 911". While I maintain my stance, there's a great deal of information out there that questions it. Rather than take my word for it I suggest interested readers explore the many theories about the Pearl Harbor tragedy and make up their own minds. It's not like I haven't been wrong before.
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Tom Aiken is a writer based in Austin, Texas. He has written for numerous publications including The Village Voice, Heavy Metal amd M'Zine (RIP). Mr. Aiken also has a spanking new blog -- AikenLand -- for publication of his more unpublishable work. (more...)
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