(Article changed on December 1, 2013 at 12:31)
Riding his dramatic Iranian breakthrough, President Obama aims to re-ignite his faltering presidency with a Christmas miracle. Interrupting the White House press briefing, Mr. Obama brashly challenged rightwing nullification, calling for "an urgent summit to resolve the most serious and enduring threat to American prosperity: Tea Party Republicans."
Mindful of past appeasement, Mr. Obama was resolute, like a war-president in the fight of his life: "The Tea Party may not yet boast nuclear centrifuges. But are its endlessly spinning subterfuges any less perilous, any less in urgent need of exposure? My pledge against a nuclear Iran goes double for a terrorist group mounting a jihad towards a functioning American government, our integrity and future. The last two years prove domestic combatants don't need nukes to terrorize. I have no choice but use any means at my disposal to insure our security. So, I say: either we talk now or we talk later. Nothing, even drones, are off the table. "
Discarding the gentleman's code that sabotaged his first term, the president did not back off comparing Tea Party with Iranian duplicity: "At the end of the day, what is the great difference between calculated deception by Iran, with rather limited power or intention to injure us, vs. the calculated deception by homemade upstarts with far more leverage to do permanent institutional damage? I can't help but recall the best thing that ever popped out of John Kerry's mouth, his '04 campaign aside, 'This is the crookedest, lyingest bunch I have ever seen.' Would I deserve that notorious Nobel Peace Prize if I damped down foreign wars but let internal wars against America rage on?"
Targeting GOP sabotage of his presidency, Mr. Obama was unstoppable: "Time to admit frankly we're stuck with an undeclared House impeachment. Worse still, I was convicted by one party without the opportunity to defend myself, and we all know how that offends Constitutional protections. Look, having started to corral Iran's nukes, why not reign in Tea Party gridlock that hurts everyone? Maybe 'wild and crazy' fit the '12 GOP primary but how much of the politics of fake umbrage can this nation tolerate? If the right wants politics as warfare, let us force the issue and show what majority rule means. Our future, if not that of civilization, depends on the outcome."
The Outrage of Murdoch Minor
In a flash, FOX News' Murdoch Minor leapt his feet, outraged that any president dare call Yankee patriots "outsiders," let alone make them worse players than "Iranian madmen." Patiently, Mr. Obama said House radicals weren't "outsiders in the space alien sense, but where's the human compassion in kicking fellow citizens who are down? That corrodes national unity, just like Romney's dismissal of the 47%. Except now it's closer to 67%. GOP obsession with cutting taxes and Food Stamps, or demonizing basic support services, makes America look unfeeling, like officials are outsiders looking in. I am hardly alone in judging that anti-government nullifiers pose the greatest threat to the American way of life."
"Stunned into silence" captures the impact on hardened journalists. One staunch liberal had to be helped back onto his chair, slack-jawed. A brave voice broke the silence, "but, Mr. President, why now? Isn't gridlock unfixable?" "Well, if we can make peace with fearsome Iran," he asked, "why not with fearsome Republicans? Just like corporations, my friend, they are people too, and many still have souls. If we can break bread with far-off, angry religious ideologues, why not hometown, angry political ideologues? I admit an epiphany: what do we have to lose, can this stalemate get staler?"
The president then conceded he was first shaken, then inspired by Pope Francis' outspoken indictment against the "tyranny of unfettered capitalism." "Not only Catholics should work to change this stark reality. What president wants to admit he oversees what Francis called 'an economy of exclusion'? How useful to have leaders immune from impeachment or re-election backlash who speak truth to power. Like the Dalai Lama, this pontiff is an independent voice of good will without self-serving motives. If we do nothing, then the future indicts us for denying the worst of crony capitalism, ignoring the real price we all pay, in mortality and squandered opportunities. In a word, I concluded I have three years to go and not much to lose. A new era, maybe a new legacy, is at hand and I now embrace it." Then, the president turned, deflected questions, and bounded away, chuckling, according to unconfirmed reports.
Palin Slams Pope, Again
In an oddly related story linking the Pope with the Tea Party, Sarah Palin has apparently withdrawn her recent apology after belittling the Pope for sounding "kind of liberal." An unnamed party source confirmed receiving a slurred, midnight call from the failed V.P. nominee. She was loudly complaining she was bamboozled into apologizing, "Boy, was I right or what? This supposed "good shepherd' of the sect, which I should point out clearly my forebears rejected, is no liberal but a downright, radical commie. You betcha. Now, this "holy father' defends lazy poor people while putting down our top business geniuses, who deserve all the billions they've earned. What about 'idolatry of money'? This leftwing agitator needs to be reminded who sends more idolatry to Rome than anyone else. Right, rich American Catholics. Doesn't that make all those millions, like from Joe Kennedy, dirty money, the offspring of 'unfettered tyranny,' whatever that means. How does the holy Roman church get off being complicit in such "tyranny'"?
"It wouldn't surprise me," she rattled on, "if this pontiff came out for global health care, or other giveaways to goof-offs. Isn't sloth one of the Seven Deadly Sins? Right, let's treat losers just like layabout, jobless monks hiding in monasteries. Hey, Mr. Pope, why not auction off priceless, museum trinkets, gold-encrusted bribes from potentates trying to buy their way to heaven? No evangelical minister on my Christmas card list wouldn't gag when the pontiff goes on about 'widespread corruption and self-serving tax evasion.' Thus guy kills me, punting to what God made impossible, 'Money must serve, not rule.' Say what? If God didn't want rich people, why did He motivate capitalists to accumulate vast treasures?"
The Vatican made no official response but a senior cleric off the record quipped that such holy rollers are precisely the wicked defenders of corrupt capitalism the Holy Father hoped to counsel. Does anyone better than this Palin creature exemplify how the 'thirst for power and possessions knows no limits'? Didn't Francis just rail against marginal Christians 'locked up in small things' or 'obsessed' with issues such as gay marriage and abortion? Call me next week when the Holy Father comes out against usury, just like the old days."
Nod to Andy Borowitz, Jim Hightower and other inspired satirists.