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Breaking: Shkreli Buys FBI

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Martin Shkreli, CEO, FBI
Martin Shkreli, CEO, FBI
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In a surprise move, Martin Shkreli, who was arrested by the FBI this morning on federal fraud charges for securities violations, arranged the terms for his early release when he bought the government agency. What first appeared to be an attempt to gather a sizeable bond, quickly morphed into a hostile takeover. Shkreli, worth an estimated $100 million, continued with his unconventional ways by delivering thousands of Daraprim pills as payment.

"As the new CEO of the FBI, I declare myself innocent," a delusional Shkreli stated as he rubbed the redness from his wrists where only moments ago cuffs held him in restraint, "but the FBI men who unlawfully arrested me are innocent until proven guilty. My attorney, Evan Greebel--bless his heart--who worked diligently from the confines of his cell, suggested I set these former employees' bail at $13,500, but I raised it to $750,000." There was no word on Greebel's release.

"Why do you think I bought Daraprim?" Shkreli retorted. "Buying these drugs is like printing money, which would be illegal. And at the end of the day, if you've robbed Peter to pay Paul, the money has to come from somewhere."

Asked about his immediate plans, Shkreli replied, "I think I'll go home and listen to this new record I bought."

Janet F. Williams is an oral and written communications specialist, and award-winning author of the book, "You Don't Ask, You Don't Get." Please visit: janetfwilliams.com and gooddaymedia.com.

 

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Janet F. Williams is an oral and written communications specialist, and award-winning author of the book, "You Don't Ask, You Don't Get." Please visit: janetfwilliams.com and gooddaymedia.com

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