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Bomb The Evil Canadians!

By       Message Tim Cerantola     Permalink
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Canadians know Americans better than anyone else on the planet. Unlike the rest of the world, as America's next-door neighbour (and little buddy Gilligan), we Canadians get a chance to peer over their fence and into their backyards every day.

True. We watch them salute their flag every morning.

We hear them shoot off their guns and test their military equipment in the backyard.

And of course, we listen to them brag endlessly about America being the greatest, most wonderful, supremely amazing, inexhaustibly fantastic, prodigiously magnificent, voluminously fabulous, immeasurably kick-ass incredible and... well, you follow my drift.

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And, not that any of that is untrue but, why is it, when it comes to choosing their leaders, we watch our gloriously superior cousins inevitably pick some dim-witted, intellectually challenged blowhard who thinks primarily about war and who America should attack next?

Indeed, unlike we Canadians, who pick our Prime Ministers based on their lack of balls and how out of touch with reality they are, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who best displays a rugged, shoot from the hip, take no prisoners, bomb them into the stone age style of leadership.

I am still in 'wait and see' mode with President-Elect Barack Obama, but I'm not too hopeful.

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You see, during Obama's campaign I couldn't help but note that Obama was for escalating US military intervention in Afghanistan; he was opposed to complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq; he was for continuing the embargo on Cuba; Obama was also for hostile confrontation with Venezuela's populist (and democratically elected) President Hugo Chavez and all other Latin American reformers – (even though Obama speaks of protectionism at home, he demands free market access to Latin America). Obama was a former defender of the Palestinian people, but is now just another AIPAC toadie in full (silent) support of Israel's violation of international law/disproportionate bombing of Gaza which has included the use of cluster and phosphorus bombs against civilian targets; Obama is also for continued expansion of Israel into the West Bank.

I guess Obama's true litmus test will come when we see him repeal the Patriot Act or not – but don't hold your breath.

Now I surmise the American people feel safer with war-mongering presidents, knowing that the global bad guy (whoever he is this week) will capitulate to the American way of doing things rather than risk having his country reduced to a smoldering pile of radioactive charcoal briquettes.

And this is why I believe, with a few exceptions; Americans tend to vote for the candidate who reminds them most of fictional war hero, Rambo.

Seriously, I'd bet if you polled Americans, you'd find many would agree that Rambo would make a perfect president. Granted, Rambo would not be the type to say please and thank you to any dark "evil" mustachioed dictator. No, if Rambo were in charge, he'd just bust him one in the kisser. And then, while that no-good, third-world dictator was down on the ground feeling around for his teeth, Rambo would mumble something stupid like, "Uh..., yo, commie, I'm ready to demand my terms."

You see, American foreign policy experts actually believe that if the world's rogue nations (anyone that disagrees with the US) know that America is prepared to bomb the living crap out of them at a moments notice, they wont make any trouble. Which is why every silver-spooned American son of a multi-millionaire, with presidential aspirations, knows that to be a successful US president, besides having powerful connections and oodles and oodles of money to buy an election with, all you need is one thing – a big stick!

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Now before you minds start wandering into the gutter, the "big stick" I refer to has nothing to do with Bill Clinton's well-documented skirt-chasing antics. The big stick I reference is the one former president Teddy Roosevelt waved during his "Speak softly but carry a big stick" speech.

It was Roosevelt's "big stick" that cemented his presidential legacy. In fact, Teddy's big stick was so effective, it has become the standard for American foreign policy, not to mention crucial to every president's credibility, since.

Think about it. Harry Truman, Eisenhower, JFK and Ronald Reagan all displayed their big sticks and are remembered as presidential greats.

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Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at a real job working with autistic and special needs children.

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