Attack of the Self-Loathing Jews (An Anti-Sonnet Poem)
by John Kendall Hawkins
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The Big Eight:
Jesus was the biggest self-loathing Jew of all
and the moneychangers told him so to his face.
I'm a big Jesus fan and love the Golden Rule
but expect it to be sold at Sothebys any day now,
along with the honey-dipped crown of Christ
*I support Israel's right to exist and prosper*
lost in the intrigues of the arson-driven fires at Notre Dame.
Yes, Jesus was the king of the self-loathing Jews,
but christ almighty did he know how to fill the pews.
Another self-loather I love is Dylan, the Bard from Duluth.
I have measured out my life with Dylan tunes.
Jokerman was a hoot. But Love Minus Zero takes the loot.
Alias Anything You Please. The unofficial Wandering Jew
condemned by the schmaltzy Jesus to sing the white man's blues
until the return of Bruce Lee as Kato in kick-ass mode.
*I support Israel's right to exist and prosper, especially their olives.*
Dylan rode with Lenny in a taxi one time,
they glumly looked out separate windows for a mile,
saw different desperadoes who would seem to smile,
Dylan was in transition (listen to Seà ±or), Lenny was morose
Wouldn't you?
One of my favorite self-loathing Jews is Ratso played by Dustin Hoffman
who used to deny his roots until he tried on the midnight boots
and last time I saw him was in last year's Nazi hunter in America series.
Apparently the swastikas came here after the War. Can you believe it?
What the f*ck were we doing over there then?
Oh, wait a minute, it was Al Pacino. I was right about the Nazis though.
I grew up watching the self-loathing Woody Allen's films.
He once observed acutely that politicians were one rung below child molester.
That was funny back then (and still true), but things have changed, as Dylan would say.
Bobby Fischer.
*I support Israel's right to exist and prosper, especially their cottonwoods.*
Self-loathing Saul got so bent out of shape thumbing to Damascus
he transmigrated his sorryass soul to Paul. They sainted him on arrival.
How bout that? Two thumbs up. Way up.
You just know that Cain was a self-loather even before he loathed his brother Abel,
the perfect shmerfect little twat who reminded Cain of the future Trotsky.
Cain, as Clark Gable. Not giving a damn. Forced to go on the lam. The fuckin' psycho.
And how about that Abe? The chutzpah of inventing circumcision was bad enough,
but how the f*ck did he come up with the future German helmet shape? Mother McCree.
We're all, under Abe, self-loathing Jews, ready to sacrifice, cut loose. Shivs and suspenders.
Like Dylan went, God said to Abraham kill me a son /
Abe said, man, you must be putting me on. He was, moron.
Abe says, Tell you what, you go Yahweh, I'll go mine.
Weh says, Abe, I was just doing stand up shtick. What the f*ck is the matter with you? You think I'd really have you knife your son?
Come to think of it, you could make the case that Yahweh was a self-loathing Jew. And I note, he's gone the way of Godot.
Abe wasn't laughing, and now we got the Three Abes mess. Moe. Larry. Curly. Every 5 minutes it's Niagara Falls with one of them. How do you like them apples?
The Final Four:
Einstein said God doesn't play dice, and NatGeo said Einstein was into nooky.
And relativism isn't the kind of bet you'd want to place with your bookie.
And what the f*ck was with the hair?
*I support Israel's right to exist and prosper.*
Who's a bigger Jewish self-loather than Chomsky?
And don't get me started on Daniel Ellsberg who said Dr. Strangelove was a doco.
Noam fears Climate Change, dead Democracy, and the likelihood we'll go bombsky.
Ellsberg fears Turd Blossom alfrescoes and the return of even friskier rococo.
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Dropping a Deuce:
The kings of self-loathing, though, are Kissinger and Gottlieb.
Are Arabs self-loathing Jews? (The Abe thing again.)
Kissinger spent years on his knees before Nixon, a known anti-Hebe.
And Sidney, for the love of God, snuck in Nazis after the War, with a pen,
and pushed mind control out the window, hired a crazy Japanese torturer,
who would vivisect babies and put yellow folks in pressure chambers till their eyes popped out,
and had a warm heart for the suicidal Soviet earth scorcher.
And the self-loathing maybe-Jew with the paintbrush stache who almost couldn't be stopped.
*I support Israel's right to exist and prosper.*
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Note: Pictured above (circled) is me as an IDF paratrooper on his way to kick Palestinian ass in the film Raid on Entebbe (1976). Between scenes I would skim through my Portable Nietzsche. Still, even with such street cred firmly established and a desire to kibbutz (v.) in my mind, I think it's time to reduce the settlements on the West Bank. Come on, let's cut the sh*t. Oh, and I forgot, the Istomin-Stern-Rose trio rocks! How bout that Grosse Fugue they do, huh?
