Abe's Birthday 2025
by Johnny Guernica
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Today is Ol' Abe's big shindig day,
so blow out some candles in his honor.
He would have been 215 if he hadn't gotten himself shot
and if he had lived like a true bible man
(remember how they used to live into their hundreds? damn),
but what a legacy, huh? And now
DJ Trump wants to ruin the whole goddamn thing.
I wouldn't be surprised if he signed an executive order today
that rescinds retroactively the Emancipation Proclamation.
Did DJ even mention MLK on Inauguration Day,
Dr. King's holiday? Did he allude once to the Dream? Once?
I hear his efficiency wonk wants to overlay America
with an ind'gen blanket full of Afrikaner cooties. Yech.
Probably he'll open up new plantation work down south
and have colorful folks pickin cotton candy off pastel bushes.
Can you imagine those Che t-shirts on coeds?
And why if it rains. Hmph. Sweet cheeses.
I read Greenland told DJ to go f*ck himself, they ain't sellin'.
And Canada has hired Chris Knuckles Nilan to goon America;
he already has taken the ice and waits all gapped teeth smile.
Jeff Bezos is getting rid of DEI and LGBTQ hirings.
Let them find their fulfillment center elsewhere, he goes..
His blue phallic icon will now be issued to the po-lice as a blackjack;
the be-bopper will only be used when necessary, by any means necessary;
supposedly the blue shlongs once belonged to the Blue Man Group.
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I said it's Abe's birthday today. Abe Lincoln. Lincoln Tunnel.
And the MAGA dogmatists are turning back the clock.
The sentimental past as the bone of contention. You dig?
I wonder if we'll burn Detroit down again.
You can buy some cheap property there right now on eBay.
How come they don't move the homeless there? Against their will.
They could live out of old rusty car husks. Demolition derby demos.
Have barrel fire sermons. Dance the brown bag blues.
Get a Bojangles goin' look like he got ants in his shoes.
I wonder if the guy who did the California forests
is the same guy who did the Notre Dame cathedral forest fire. Damn.
Wouldn't that be a hootful coincidence?
I understand the Chinese are getting uppity
and are threatening to declare the US their territory
seeing as how they came over the Bering Strait
and so technically they were here first.
Works for Israel, such historical claims.
Course the God of Abraham was a slumlord and evictor.
I hear Eden could have used some elbow grease and polish. Pipes creaked.
Dylan wrote a great song about it though.
I wonder if Chinese food would get cheaper.
And would they build a Great Wall to keep out the Mexicans
or just open up a shitload of Dunkin Donuts throughout the peninsula
and service southbound tourists from El Norte all contrite now.
I wonder if buckybuckybeaver would be met with hi-howareya. Hugs.
If the Chinese returning would seem like long lost relatives to the reservation dogs.
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Did I mention it's Abe's Day?
And Abe freed the slaves.
Thanks Abe.
