It's almost the holiday season, and the greatest gift granted to Democrats since Dan Quayle is on a book tour. Yes, Caribou Barbie herself is all over TV these days, which means one of two things: 1) these are the end days and the rapture is upon us, or 2) it's nearly November sweeps and the greedy media execs know that the American Sheeple cannot turn away from All Things Palinicious.
She's better than a boxful of balloon-boys for their ratings.
After all, Thanksgiving is approaching. We're dying to see if she sips her latte through a perky smile . . . her perfect "bump--it"-enhanced updo intact . . . prattling on about how good it feels to do something fun for a change. Meanwhile, one of the extras from the movie Deliverance forces live turkeys head-first into a metal-funnel-turkey-killing-machine (a device that would give Cheney a woody for days) just a few feet behind her. Ah, makes me nostalgic for the good old days . . . Mom, carnage, meth labs and apple pie.
Leaked excerpts from the book, titled Going Rogue, (or is it Reading Vogue?) indicated it is chock full of tasty gossip-girl tidbits more suited to a WB night-time drama than an Executive Office contender. Can you honestly imaginea preening Mike Huckabee bitching about the costly designer threads he was forced to wear? Or Hillary Clinton whining about Katie Couric's "badgering" and dirty interview tactics and obvious low self esteem? Or Joe Biden pouting about strategists who comment negatively about his weight loss?
The book, already a best-seller, officially debuts Tuesday, but Sarah Barraccuda is getting a mavericky head-start on the media blitz with an exclusive interview with Oprah later today. Watch out, Oprah -- the winking Wasilla Godzilla will skewer you in her book sequal if you ask any question tougher than found ona third-grader's civics test.
Better than the book, Simple Sarah is Tweeting again, and regularly posting on Facebook, which must make William Shatner and The Tonight Show staff giddy with anticipation. "Keep your powder dry" is the title of her latest note, in which she teases the conflict with the media she expects as a result of her "shocking" disclosures. But her paranoia really shines in a November 15th posting in which she criticizes the AP for obtaining a copy of the book that was probably leaked by one of her own PR people. The media need to be held accountable for "spreading misinformation and making things up," she whines in her note. Poor Sarah, the media is always out to get her. That attitude will doubtlessly make for an interesting book tour as every interviewer or reviewer is scrutinized through her rimless glasses and deemed an evil adversary, plotting against her. Nothing like alienating the critics you're trying to woo. I can't wait!
And to think she was almost a few melanoma cells away from the Oval Office. Wow. We already had (at least) one paranoid Republican president. Been there, done that, got the redacted tape transcripts.
Will the book be a success? You bet'cha. Will it help whatever future political career she and her scary rapture-ready followers in the extreme Religious Right have envisioned for her? That's not as certain. But, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure she's on the top of the ticket for 2012. I'll organize fundraisers, staff the phone banks, make sure there are fresh fire extinguishers in all the meth labs. I'll print up the bumper stickers, keep the double-barrel fully loaded for illegal helicopter wolf-hunting trips so you can let off a little steam. And, Hallelujah!, I'll be thrilled to handle the press if you or your kids decide it's time to pop out a new Palin. I'll even print up the "Welcome Baby Privit" banner!
Just promise you'll run, Sarah! RUN!