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A Proposal for a Television Sit-Com Starring GOP Presidential Candidates

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To my agent: "Shifty" Snarky

Re: Pilot for a situation-comedy television program, "The Elephant in the Room."

Description : One part "The Odd Couple," one part "Frasier," and two parts "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

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Summary : The "Elephant in the Room" centers around the Elephant brothers, the loutish and messy Newt and his younger brother, the duplicitous and smarmy Mitt, who together run the family's prosperous asbestos factory. Newt and Mitt share a house with their grumpy father, Ron Paul, who is such a stickler for old-fashioned ways he only uses Confederate money. Ron Paul often talks about living in a smaller house and wants to start by getting rid of his sons.

Another character, the sanctimonious Rick, a mute with a penchant for sleeveless sweaters, lives next door. The other regular character, the brothers' batty Aunt Sarah, lives in the house's attic. The program's plot-lines focus on the brothers' sibling rivalry, their shameless business practices, and their craven attempts for the affections of their batty Aunt Sarah.

Script excerpt : Mitt arrives home by chauffeur-driven limousine to find Newt dumping trash on the front lawn. Ron Paul in sitting on a rocking chair on the front porch and whittling.

Mitt (exiting the limousine, obviously irritated): "Newt, why are you dumping garbage on the lawn?"

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Newt: "Because that's what I do with garbage."

Mitt: "Who's going to clean it up?"   

Newt: "That's what taxes are for!"

Mitt (smiling): "What are taxes?"

(Laughter.)

Ron Paul: "You paid taxes on 15 percent of your income. Maybe they'll pick up 15 percent of the trash."

(Laughter.)

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(Mitt, Newt, and Ron Paul see Rick who is observing from his property. Rick is shaking his head disapprovingly).

Newt: "Apparently Rick believes in Ronald Reagan's 11th Commandment."

(Laughter.)

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Chris Lamb is a professor of Communication at the College of Charleston, in Charleston, SC, he teaches courses in journalism and media studies. He has written hundreds of newspaper columns that have appeared in the Washington Post, Los Angeles (more...)
 

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