In this ad Ms. Dole or her surrogate pretended that Ms. Hagan gave a shout out “There is no God.” Miss Hagan, a former Sunday school teacher and Presbyterian in good standing naturally took umbrage at Ms. Dole’s ad. It soon became a battle of the believers, and the political chances of Ms. Dole took a deep dive. Some misguided voters even regarded Ms. Dole’s ad as scurrilous. Liddy Dole may well win her Senate seat on Tuesday, she has a great name in her state, aided by that of her husband, former Presidential candidate and Viagra spokesman Bob Dole, but her chances at the moment are iffy. Apparently there is a powerful group of the godless in North Carolina who have aligned with her opponent against “Liddy,” the Aunt Piddipat of Republican politics, the symbol of mature Southern womanhood in the post Tara era. .
This godless man is supporting Liddy because the Senate without her would be a poorer place, lacking the Southern Belle aura that she brought to it, the spunk, and the sparkle that is our Liddy. In the few hours left before the election I am planning to form a Facebook group, Godless Democrats for Dole. We godless admire a woman who was able to serve in the Kennedy/Johnson administration, move on to Nixon, then to Reagan, and even work for George H. W. Bush, while forever marching rightward over forty years, confident in her belief that Jesus was a Republican. While Liddy was Secretary of Transportation (or something like that) her great accomplishment was that she introduced that 3rd Eye brake-light to all automobiles, a light that in my family we call the Lady Liddy. Since I have a very old Volvo our Lady Liddy goes on the blink from time to time but we are forever grateful to Miss Dole, feeling so much safer with the Liddy in our rear window where formerly there was only a head bobbing plastic hula dancer to warn drivers against my braking for squirrils. But most of all I am grateful to Ms. Dole because I am a reverse chauvinist, I was raised by a marvelous mother, I had a great sister, and I have a splendid wife, so I believe in my heart of hearts that women are kinder, more intelligent, and altogether better than men. But with Liddy there in the Senate spewing her ante-bellum hostility to all things progressive, I felt better about my own sex, knowing that a woman can be as ignorant, bigoted, and mean spirited as any man. Liddy, who replaced Jesse Helms, carried on the Helms tradition in her own genteel fashion as a blend of Emily Post and Jack the Ripper.
I would no doubt have contributed to the Senator’s re-election campaign had I not suspected that she would use my twenty bucks to purchase tooth whitener or other fripperies which the Republican party is given to these days. So instead I lend my godless verbal support to this good woman who has been an attack dog of the right for so many years –and has been grievously hurt when she recently bit her own tail.