Garrison Keillor -- The vast left-wing conspiracy against me

Joe Biden is following me. I go to lunch at Mickey’s Diner and he’s sitting two stools away, wearing a stocking cap and a fake mustache with a fake nose and glasses but he says, “Hey, how’s it going, fella?” He is conducting a destabilization campaign against me, putting chemicals in my food that make me behave erratically. Why? Because he and his secret cabal are terrified of what I represent. Biden is sitting and looking at me as I write this and he is reading these words in the reflection off my glasses. My coffee tastes funny. I hear a high-pitched humming sound. I feel insects crawling up my leg. This may be my last message for a while.