Andy Borowitz: Media Unimpressed as Sanders Barely Gets Seventy PerCent of Vote

Bernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy percent of the vote in three western primaries. The major cable networks briefly mentioned Sanders’s vote tallies in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii but noted that he ran out of steam well shy of eighty percent. According to one cable executive, Sanders needs to “put up some big numbers fast” if he expects the networks to continue giving his campaign airtime. “It’s going to be harder and harder to justify covering him while he’s stuck down in the seventy-percent range,” the executive said.