God Interviews George Bush at the Pearly Gates
By John M Conley
March 5, 2005
Let's imagine for a moment that George W. Bush is being interviewed by God for entry into Heaven. (and George's replies are actual quotes from Bush.)
God: Okay, George, you're on the bubble here. We allowed Laura in, but we need to clear up a few things about your time spent on earth.
Bush: Okay, Lord. Shoot! Hallelujah.
God: In 1989 you made the following comment: "You know I could run for governor but I'm basically a media creation. I've never done anything. I've worked for my dad. I worked in the oil business. But that's not the kind of profile you have to have to get elected to public office."
Bush: Did I say that?
GOD: Yes, you did, George.
BUSH: If you say so.
GOD: What caused you to change your mind?
BUSH: About what?
GOD: About your decision to run for Governor of Texas! You really don't pay attention.
Bush: "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
God: And you didn't have much interest in keeping up with current events, do you?
"I glance at the headlines just to
kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories,
and get briefed by people who are probably read the news
themselves." (Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003)
GOD: But, you ended up running for Texas governor. Why?
Bush: "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000
God: What's that supposed to mean?
God: Never mind. Let's move on. What was your priority as Governor of Texas.......the number one problem you wanted to see solved?
Bush: "[T]he illiteracy level of our children are appalling." (Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004) "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" (Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000)
God: Well, do you believe your own daughters did well learning within the Texas school system?
Bush: "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." (CNBC, April 15, 2000) "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004
God: Hmmmm. Ok. Can you summarize the job you feel you did as Governor?
Bush: "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
God: And you believe your judgements were fair?
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments
in the future." ''I know what I believe. I will continue to
articulate what I believe and what I
believeI believe what I believe is right."Rome,
July 22, 2001
God: "Only I know the future, George.
Bush: "The future will be better tomorrow."
God: I wouldn't say that's true for the 152 people you executed as Governor.
Bush: "The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty ... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas." All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000
God: Oh, but you did George. Based on your own human statistics 16 or 17% of all people executed are actually innocent. Out of 152 people, do you know how many innocents you've allowed to die?
Bush: "I'm the master of low expectations." (Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003)
God: And are you aware that the vast majority of those on death row are too poor to hire an attorney who can represent them adequately?
Bush: "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." (Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003)
God: My, my. How good of you. As a Christian, are you aware that even a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without my notice?
Bush: "Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter." (Advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M., Jan. 22, 2004)
God: There are several you've executed at this very moment living here in my Kingdom and they've been interested in visiting with you.......if you make it in, that is.
Bush: "My answer is bring them on." (On Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003)
God: One of them is Karla Faye Tucker. Remember the one you taunted when she asked you for mercy?
Bush: Oh, yeah....her. What a whiner. But, God, with all due respect, should I have pardoned her just because Pat Robertson asked me to?
Bush: Pat Robertson.
God: Doesn't ring a bell. Let's move on....... Tell me, George, in your heart of hearts, what do you think of war?
Bush: "I think war is a dangerous place." (Washington, D.C., May 7, 2000)
God: Do you believe you worked for piece?
Bush: "The second pillar of peace and security in our world is the willingness of free nations, when the last resort arrives, to retain aggression and evil by force." (Bush, speaking in London, England, Nov. 19, 2003)
God: What about the families of those who have fought and died in Iraq so that you, Cheney, Rimsfeld, and Wolfowitz could get control of their oilfields?
Bush: "Obviously, I pray every day there's less casualty." (Fort Hood, Texas, April 11, 2004) But, we went there to free the Iraqi people from Sadaam Hussein! [my words]
God: George, George. This is God you're talking to, remember?
Bush: "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were president of the United States, and wed be a lot better off." (Bush at the second presidential debate in St. Louis, Oct. 8, 2004.)
God: Say, what?
Bush: "The world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership." (Source: The Boston Globe, Oct. 29, 2003)
God: What are your feelings for those families who have lost loved ones in the war?
Bush: "There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like." (Source: ABC News Transcripts, "President Bush and First Lady Bush '20/20' Year-End Interview," Dec. 13, 2002
God: Let's move on. Do you believe you did a good job with the economy as president?
Bush: "By making the right choices, we can make the right choice for our future." (Bush, sharing insights into improving Americans' health and fitness Source: The White House, "President Bush Highlights Health and Fitness Initiative: Remarks by the President on Fitness," July 18, 2003)
God: But, did you bring experts in to consult about the best economic path to take for the country?
Bush: "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." (Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000)
God: Okay, but you do have a budget, right?
Bush: "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."- (Reuters, May 5, 2000)
God: Having an MBA degree from Harvard, I need to know your economic philosophy once and for all.
Bush: Okay. "Because the all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those if that growth is affected, it will help on the red." George W. Bush, explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005
God: There's a talking ass in the Old Testament that made more sense than you, but let me take a stab at it.....Are you talking about Social Security?
Bush: Over your head a little?
God: Way over my head. Why didn't you listen more to the Democrats?
"They want the
Federal Government controling Social Security like it's some kind of
(ST. CHARLES, MO., NOV. 2, 2000)
God: But........never mind. You gave huge tax cuts to the absolute wealthiest Americans, George. Why?
Bush: "We ought to make the pie higher." (SOUTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE, FEB. 15, 2000)
God: You want the pie higher?
Bush: "See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but there wouldn't have been the commiseratenot 'commiserate'the kick to our economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief."
God: But, George, all the money you gave away is the main reason for the deficit! It kicked the economy alright. Right in the ribs!
Bush: "Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money." (Boston, Oct. 4, 2002) "It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." (Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001)
God: That's not a smart answer at all. And you actually graduated from Harvard with an MBA degree?
Bush: "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating [me]." (U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000)
God: You're forgetting, George. I'm God. Anyway, let's try foreign policy. What was the driving force behind your foreign policy?
Bush: "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." (as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002)
God: Yeah, tell me about it. But, what is your general theory to solving the problems of mankind?
Bush: "[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves." (Washington, Oct. 8, 2003)
God: Okay.....I guess. What else?
Bush: "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Bush: "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
God: You are in the solar system, George.
Bush: Well, I guess you oughta know! (henh, henh, henh, henh, henh)
God: (I should have given him a different laugh) Listen carefully. Give me something specific that you've done that showed you cared for my people around the world.
Bush: "We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and peace around the world." (Washington, D.C., Aug. 1, 2003)
God: Were any decisions made?
Bush: "Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace." (Washington, D.C., July 25, 2003)
Bush: I don't chew my cabbage twice.
God: Do you know who you're talking to?
Bush: "I don't bring God into my life toto, you know, kind of be a political person." (Interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003)
God: And I'm not "kind of a political person." I'm neither Democrat or Republican. But, you've convinced so many people on earth that you were such a moral, Christian man of God who only wanted to follow my instructions and do the right things, I just think it's fair that you convince me, too....especially if you think you're going to park your butt inside these gates for eternity!!
Bush: Okay, okay......don't get your robes in a wad. What is it you have to know, God? No offense, but I'm in a bit of a hurry. Laura's waiting, you know.
God: What is your idea of justice, George?
Bush: "Justice ought to be fair." (speaking at the Whitehouse Economic Conference, Dec 15, 2004)
God: I'm really concerned about you. Do you have any concept at all about the huge problems on earth?
Yes, I do.
"In 2000, alone, obesity costs totaled
the country an estimated cost of $117 billion."
(Bush, promoting his Health and Fitness Initiative)
God: I see no purpose in pursuing this any longer. I may as well let you in with the others.
"Do you have blacks, too?"
(Bush, speaking to Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso.
Source: Salon.com, "Bushed," Jake Tapper, June 20, 2002)
God: Yes, George. And guess what? There are gays here, also!
God: Is there anything else you want to know before you go in? Any question you've had all your life that you knew only I could answer?
Bush: Yeah, as a matter of fact.
God: Okay, what is it?
Bush: "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" (CONCORD, N.H., JAN. 29, 2000)
God: Let me get back with you on that, George.
Bush: Okay. Do you have any questions for me?
God: Yeah, Have you ever been b*tch-slapped?