The Resurrection of The Archangel of Darkness; Richard Mellon Scaife. Tales from the Twilight Zone-August

The Resurrection of The Archangel of Darkness; Richard Mellon Scaife. Tales from the Twilight Zone-August

Becky Burgwin

High Level High-Jinx:

A short multiple choice quiz:

Who is this man?

a.       The Archangel of Darkness.

b.      One of the central players in David Brock's book, "Blinded by the Right."

c.       An eccentric, paranoid billionaire.

d.      The man who was in charge of the most extensive smear campaign in American politics.

e.       The owner of radical right-wing Pittsburgh newspaper The Tribune Review.

f.        Richard Mellon Scaife.

g.       All of the above.

What will he be doing in the next 100 days?

a.       Sending his minions out to interfere with the election process.

b.      Giving zillions of dollars to the radical Christian right to support their anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-child agenda.

c.       Continuing his 25-year project of digging up dirt on Teresa Heinz Kerry.

d.      Harassing Teresa and John Kerry in the style in which he harassed the Clintons.

e.       Finding someone who's dead and claiming that the Kerrys murdered them.

f.        Giving as much money as he can, legally or not, to the Bush/Cheney campaign.

g.       All of the above.

If you answered G. to both questions, you get a gold star. Richard Mellon Scaife bankrolled the 8-year smear campaign against the Clinton's. He paid his operatives to go to Arkansas and dig up whatever dirt they could find. Since they couldn't find much, they made stuff up. The Clintons murdered Vince Foster. They caused Ron Brown's plane to crash, Arkansas state troopers were finding hookers for him"yada, yada, yada. But the only thing his millions and his nefarious henchmen were able to turn up that was actually true was that Clinton got a blow job, which, I will wager, is something that Dickie Scaife, himself, needed about 1000 times more than Clinton did. This is a very dangerous man and he's had it out for Teresa for decades. Keep a close eye on what comes up about her from now until November. If it's twisted and absurd you can pretty much assume that this insane billionaire had something to do with it.

Media Malfeasance:

There is so much media malfeasance this month that I can barely contain it all. The first 2 days of the Democratic Convention were taken up by repeatedly showing Teresa Heinz-Kerry telling an editor (not a reporter) of The Tribune Review to "shove it." This should be a clear indication of how much trouble we are in. And then, after her warm and intelligent speech, we got to hear from Joe Scarborough, who never met a woman that he thought had a brain, "IT'S OBVIOUS THAT SHE'S NOT OVER HER DEAD HUSBAND." Oh-my-god. She's not over her dead husband. She's not over her dead husband who was killed in a freak accident in the prime of his life"who might have been one of the last really decent republicans in this country's history"who left her with 3 small boys who all look EXACTLY LIKE HIM. Is Paul McCartney over Linda? Is Yoko over John? Is Nancy over Ron? Is Delores Hope over Bob? Who are these mental midgets we've entrusted with the job of disseminating important knowledge to our people? Why are we allowing them so much power over us that the outcome of who's going to win and who's going to lose is left up to whatever unresearched piece of gossip happens to be currently making the rounds? Who's going to be responsible for making sure the American people have the facts not the latest rumors?

They did it to Al Gore and they're doing it to the Kerrys. Just watch. The next 3 months are going to be a Teresa bashing free-for-all. Teresa Heinz Kerry is on a par with some of the most legendary philanthropists in this country's history. In addition to her work for the underprivileged, the environment and the preservation of important historical artifacts, she is responsible for helping the new Pittsburgh Convention Center become the greenest public building in the world and sharing that technology with environmental groups all over the globe.

All you heard before the convention started was what pussies the democrats are"and how they're going to tiptoe around and not say anything negative or confrontational about the war and the Bush administration's record. First came Gore"and with his new found bombasity he blasted republicans on their appalling environmental record. Then came Jimmy Carter berating them for using the worst day in the history of our country to create the state of panic in which we have been continuously held so we will buy into the Bush/Cheney WAR-THAT-WILL-NEVER-END scenario. He took them all by surprise. In his quiet southern drawl, Carter nailed them to the wall.

But then, on day 2 and 3 and 4, they seem to have forgotten that and are now back to talking about what pussies the Democrats are.

And, apparently, I am the only person who was listening when Kerry told reporters for about the gazillionth time (and, keep in mind, a gazillion is 1,000 more that a zillion,) that he voted to give the president the power to consider war, only after all the other options were exhausted and all of our allies and the UN were onboard. Did I dream this or has every candidate since the primaries said this is why they voted for the war? And then, just as every other candidate has said when asked this question, Mr. Kerry explained that he voted against the additional funding because there was no clear plan on where the money was going to be used. Basically it was a blank check and a lot of members of Congress said, "Gee. You know, we know it's a bit of a hassle for you but if it's not too much trouble we'd kind of like to know WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND IT, if that's not asking too much."

Why on earth does our media seem incapable of remembering things correctly, researching things properly and reporting the real news? Are they too busy to be bothered with accurate and factual information?

It's incredibly scary when you think that the only way that Americans can get any information that has even a shred of truth in it is from the international press and folks who are writing on line. 

And can someone please explain to me why we are obsessed with Michael Jackson, Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson while Iraqi children are being sexually tortured and paraded in front of their parents while being held in American prisons in Iraq?

Didn't it used to be the job of reporters to find out all they can about a subject and report on that? I think that was called investigative journalism. Is any mainstream reporter besides Seymour Hersh doing this and if not, why not?

Questions Concerning The Elephant in the Living Room:

·        As long as the Bushies keep harping on Edwards' lack of experience, do you think the fact that only one member of their wartime defense team has actually been in the military will come back and bite them in the ass?

·        Do you think Laura Bush will look like The Ice Princess standing next to Teresa Heinz?

·        Wouldn't you give a million dollars (that's 1 billion less than a zillion) to see a Teresa vs. Laura debate?

·        Will Dick Cheney look like Darth Vader standing next to John Edwards?

·        Will GW look like Eddie Haskell standing next to John Kerry?

·        Does anyone else but me find the irony that Jack Ryan, the man who was running for the senate against Barack Obama in Illinois, had to drop out due to claims that he forced his ex-wife to go to sex clubs, just too good for words?

·        Does the speed in which he did this make anyone else think there was a WHOLE LOT OF STUFF he didn't want anybody to know?

·        Did they decide not to run Mike Ditka in Ryan's place because someone actually sat down and had a conversation with him and realized that he just may have been tackled one too many times?

·        Is there anyone who listened to Mr. Obama's speech and didn't think, "There's our first African American president?"

Connecting the Dots:

I hear Michael Moore has offered $10,000 to anyone who can find something in his film that is not true.

Also, the movie "Outfoxed" is out, as I'm sure everyone knows. Let's make sure everybody sees it, if just for the fun of watching how idiotic and ignorant it makes them all look. There's a fabulous montage of Bill O'Reilly telling people to shut up. Hysterical!

Let's all spend the rest of the summer and fall turning up the heat on all these hypocritical, two-faced ignoramuses, and supporting democratic candidates who are running for the house and the senate. There is actually a good chance that we might be able to tip the scales and, believe me, if Kerry wins but still has to deal with the miscreants who currently have control of the senate and house, it will still be a rough road.

Absurdities:

1.     Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Cheney realized""sh*t, we're running out of oil."

2.     Republicans are the supporters of less government with the exception of what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom and what a woman and her doctor decide is a sound medical decision for her.

3.     Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals.

4.     The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

5.     If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

6.     A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

7.     Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.

8.     Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

9.     A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.

10. A president lying to start a war that kills tens of thousands of innocent people is solid defense policy.

11. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're Rush Limbaugh. Then it's an illness, and he needs your prayers for his recovery.

Good News:

When John Kerry walked through the crowd at the Fleet Center and came up onto the stage, saluted and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am John Kerry and I am reporting for duty," I fell in love with him. And this from a dyed-in-the-wool Deaniac. Apparently he had on one of Lance Armstrong's bracelets. They are rubber and basically look like huge rubber bands. They cost a dollar at Nike stores and go to fund Lance's foundation for kids with cancer. (Could this guy be any more amazing?) So, not only did John Kerry have one of these on with his Armani (just guessing) suit but he never said anything about it, and (believe me, I was glued to the TV for his entire speech and I did not see it,) wasn't trying to show it to people either.

When he kept saying, "Help is on the way," it felt like the cavalry was coming to the rescue. In fact I think it would have been great if they had showed footage from an old western film with the Calvary riding in.

Here are the basic talking points from Kerry's speech and the Democratic Party platform.

Then the other bit of good news is that Nancy Reagan has basically told the Repugnant Party to SHOVE IT. She won't be attending their stinkin' convention and she won't allow them to even so much as whisper the name of her late husband or show any pictures of him at all. Can you feel the noose tightening around GW's neck?

Humor:

There are already bumper stickers on cars telling Bush/Cheney to "SHOVE IT." God, don't you just love this country?

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Question:

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?
Answer: SEVEN

1.  One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.
2.  One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb.
3.  One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb.
4.  One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.
5.  One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb.
6.  One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag.
7.  Finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

AND:

President Bush, the First Lady, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Dick, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dick curls his lip and sneers, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Laura tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Colin rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country very happy."

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If I have used your joke and you want credit for it, please send me your name and I would be happy to include you in my next column. Also, feel free to send me your jokes, etc. and I will gladly use them AND give you credit.

Finally, I'll leave you all with some words of wisdom.

Fighting for peace is like f*cking for chastity.

See you next month.

Ms. Burgwin's writings have appeared in Time, Newsweek, New York Magazine, Counterpunch, Alternet and OpEdNews as well as several other online Op Ed sites. She is on the Board of Aid Afghanistan and one of the contributors to the Peace Project in Assisi, Italy.