(A Satire) by James Boyne
Due to the tremendous reader response to my first expose of the Presidential ass warmer, in my article, "Inaugural Speech: Tyrants, Freedom, Socks, Bras and Underwear I have been forced to dig deeper into the Presidential ass warmer controversy. Here are the results of further extensive research.
During the inauguration it was revealed by a CNN commentator that selected individuals sitting in the Presidential inaugural viewing stands had ass warmers, or heated cushions that they were sitting on in the 20-degree weather. This comment was mentioned only once on TV and as I flipped channels for further news on this phenomenon I heard no further comment on it. I suspect that the commentator was immediately fired, after a quick investigative inquiry that determined that the ass warmers could not be authenticated and that there were no witnesses that would testify, confirm, or deny that close friends of the President as well as his family members had asses that were warmer than anyone else 's ass.
It was just like the fiasco over those National Guard documents that CBS obtained showing that President Bush 's military superior wrote a memo reprimanding him for not fulfilling his National Guard obligations. Just because Bush 's military superior officer happened to have been dead for twenty years everyone jumped all over the dead guy, literally beat the sh*t out of him, and told the dead Lieutenant Colonel that he didn 't write the memo. That 's something---telling a dead guy, a Lieutenant Colonel who writes a simple memo, that he is a liar. But let 's get back to the ass warmer incident.
It was obvious that the story was true because former President Bush Sr. and his wife Barbara were seen holding the ass warmers on their laps and warming their hands on the heated ass warmer cushions. I saw it myself. I realize that they are both past 80 years old, and that former President Bush Sr jumped out of an airplane and sky dived last year but one would think that he would recognize an ass warmer when he saw one and use it as such. But no, he and Barbara just sat there and patted and slapped the ass warmer with their hands, on their laps. Maybe they just should have stood up and patted and slapped their asses instead. Maybe everyone should have stood up and started slapping everyone else 's ass in order to warm things up. What a scene that would have been. Quite "un-Presidential ".
Maybe former President Bush Sr. was just trying to play the "tough guy from Texas role " and pretend that his ass wasn 't cold, and that Texans don 't get cold asses, and that this is America, and that Americans don 't get cold asses, and that we are in this for the long haul, and that we 'll stay with a cold ass as long as it takes, until freedom and liberty prevail, and until the world is free of terrorists and tyrants and tyranny and that we are ready to preemptively attack cold asses wherever they exist until the "bells of freedom and the bells of warm asses ring throughout the world ", "SO HELP ME GOD ". Who knows?
To me this was a big story and it should have risen to the level of "BREAKING NEWS---BREAKING NEWS---BREAKING NEWS---PRESIDENTIAL BUSH AND FAMILY CAUGHT SITTING ON ASS WARMERS---BUSH AND ENTIRE FAMILY, FRIENDS, CABINET MEMBERS, STAFF MEMBERS, CONGRESSIONAL LEADERS CAUGHT RED HANDED WITH ASS WARMERS.
Note: Can one get caught "red handed " with an ass warmer. Or can one get a red ass from getting it overly warmed, and then get caught red handed with a red ass? How about hand warmers? Can one get caught red-assed with a hand warmer? It 's never been authenticated by CBS so no one knows, but it will be investigated.
Anyway, this story disappeared from the media even faster than the tsunami story that obliterated 222,000 human beings. Instead of blowing this story sky-high and making it the leading story of the Inauguration the newscasters remained tight lipped and tight assed about the ass warmer revelation. Not a word was ever mentioned about it again.
After much investigation, research, and interviews with "people in the know " (you know who they are, don 't you?), and anonymous sources, I have uncovered additional and damaging information on the "Presidential Ass Warmer Incident ".
Here 's what we know. The President knew beforehand and had previous knowledge that ass warmers would be used at the Inauguration. This is a fact. I cannot reveal who told me this because it is connected to the CIA and FBI who also had previous knowledge. Laura also knew that ass warmers would be used and did nothing to stop it. One source remarked that the two Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, actually giggled when they were told they would be getting ass warmers. They instinctively knew that all eyes would be on their asses and they didn 't want that "cold, tight assed look ". They wanted a nice warm ass with a "Presidential look " to it. And Laura certainly wanted a warm ass to go along with her Oscar De LaRenta Inaugural Presidential First Lady Ostentatious Gown. No one wants to have a cold ass and certainly no one wants to be called a cold ass---that much is understandable and compassion and sympathy are in order.
The knowledge about the ass warmers goes up and down the chain of command engulfing the entire Cabinet (what 's left of it), Congressional leaders, Presidential advisors, counselors, the Supreme Court Justices, the Joint Chiefs of Staff (and the other guys who aren 't part of the Joint), former Presidents, former First Ladies, the minister who recited the Inaugural Prayer-----and yes, GOD HIMSELF, SO HELP HIM GOD. They all knew that there was going to be ass warmers set out on all the seats where all these important people would be sitting and they all knew that all the other people (the unimportant people) would NOT be entitled to the ass warmer treatment. GOD was the only one humble enough to decline the temptation since HE just sat quietly and humbly back in the second to last row, seat #5.
So who exactly is the culprit in this fiasco? VP Dick Cheney and his wife Lynn. That 's right. Lynn Cheney, it has been learned was worried about her husband, the Vice President getting a cold ass and having another heart attack right there during the inauguration. It has been learned that Lynn Cheney went to Former Almost Homeland Security Director Bernard 9/11 Kerik and Former NYC 9/11 Mayor and now 9/11 Multi-Millionaire 2008 Presidential 9/11 Aspirant Rudy Gulliani, and asked them for their consulting services on obtaining ass warmers for the inauguration. This is true.
Both Guilianni (or Julie Annie; or Googlie Any; or Jewelry Enny; or whatever his name is) and Bernard Kerik (former NYC tough guy who never needs a hair cut because the hairs are petrified and scared to death to grow on his head) told Lynn Cheney that they would only charge $10 million to make a few phone calls and arrange to have the ass warmers manufactured and flown in in time for the Inauguration.
Right before they placed the order for 1000 ass warmers with the Presidential Seal on them they bought 20 million shares of stock in the ass warmer company and right after they ass warmers were delivered, and all the important asses were adequately being warmed Rudy and Bernard sold all 20 million shares of stock and made a tidy profit of $26 million.
The Presidential Ass Warmers were apparently manufactured by a Chinese company located in Chiang As-Wam Province where they use death row inmates, children under the age of four, and Chinese peasants sentenced to ten lifetimes in prison for saying "we love America ". The ass warmers are manufactured at a cost of 24 cents and were sold to the White House for $832 each, and those were the ones with out the Hi-Medium-Low controls on them. The ass warmers that had the Hi-Medium-Low controls cost $1432 each. Actually here is the breakdown of the different varieties and prices that I received in the catalog from the Chinese company that goes under the name Mee-Merican Too, Ltd.
Inaugural Presidential Ass Warmers (guaranteed to warm your as or your money back):
Large (Blue or Pink); Hi-Med-Lo Controls $1432*
Medium Size (Blue or Pink); $1339*
Small Size (Pink Only); $1224*
*Do not dry clean. Wash in warm sudsy water. Dry on low. Won 't withstand weights of greater than 300. Yes, Senator Hastert, that means you.
*All the above are both plug in and battery operated. Batteries not included. 120 Amp required. Battery re-chargers temporarily out of stock. Amp converters extra.
**Actual Photo of President Bush w/Presidential Seal embossed on cushion is extra. Call for Prices. Ask for Ira Liebowitz in Customer Service.
So there we have it. The true story of the Presidential Inaugural Ass Warmer. You 'll never hear a word about it on the news. You 'll never hear a word about it from Bill O 'Reilly because he 's on the phone talking about "you know what to you know who " and you 'll never hear a word about it from Rush Limbaugh because he is feeling so woozy right now he wouldn 't know if he even needed an ass warmer. And CBS, even if they did a story on all this would have to fire three people just to prove it was true.
Right now a big storm is moving in that is going to dump about 15 inches of snow on my home and I am sitting here with a cold ass and am wondering what the hell happened to all the ass warmers once the people in the Presidential viewing stands got up and left. Did they take their ass warmers with them? Would that be legal? Did the illegal Mexican immigrants that set up the viewing stands who make $5.15 an hour----did they abscond with the ass warmers. Were they stored in a big closet in the West Wing of the White House? Did Bernie and Rudy have them shipped back to them? Are they going to be repackaged and used again when Bush is inaugurated for a third term? All I know is it 's about to snow like crazy and go down to zero degrees tonight and I don 't have an ass warmer.
Plus, there are 55 million Americans with no health insurance; 9 million unemployed; 11 million chronically unemployed that are not counted because their benefits have run out; 6 million people that have declared personal bankruptcy in the last four Bush years; 18,000 people that die because they have no health insurance every year; 200,000 Americans that are injured in hospitals every year; a college education costs $25,000 a year; the deficit is $500 billion and rising; we spent $200 billion on Iraq so far; we are spending $1.2 billion on Iraq every week with no end in sight; 1400 Americans have died and 10,500 have been seriously injured in Iraq; we have a $7 trillion national debt; Bush wants to spend $2 trillion to "fix " Social Security so we can be assured of collecting it in the year 2060 A.D. for the 36 million people that are worried that they wont collect but will in reality be dead anyway by them-----none of these people currently have ass warmers.
Is Bush 's new Prescription Drug Plan for Medicare going to cover ass warmers for senior citizens? I think not.
Bush wants to take away everyone 's right to bring litigation when injured and everyone thinks this is great; the illiteracy rate is rising as we "leave no child behind "; the average age of death is falling as we "leave no adult behind "; there are 300,000 veterans who are homeless, penniless and down on their luck and we thank them by electing a President that skirted his duties in the National Guard and who can spend $700 billion on defense, war and intelligence by who scrimps on Veterans Administration Budget by throwing it an extra billion here and there; we are going to re-learn science with the fact that God just created the earth and mankind only 10,000 years ago and we must have just missed Him.
We can 't even capture Osama Bin Laden after three years with a $50 reward on his head. Maybe we should raise the ante to $51 million and see if we have any takers. If no one will turn him in for $50 million you can be damn sure he is important enough to have his own ass warmer, so I bet living in a cave isn 't so bad.
And that guy, Ali-Alan-Al-Zooocowie in Iraq---I bet he has an ass warmer when he isn 't arranging for a fleet of car bombers to descend upon Baghdad. More likely, that guy is sipping on a nice cold Margarita in Miami. The TV keeps showing he same old high school yearbook picture of the guy every time a car bomb goes off. We got 150,000 troops in Iraq (without body armor, much less ass warmers) and all we keep doing is "not capturing guys " and killing civilians who are trying to get to the damn convenience store to get a loaf of bread, in their rickety old cars when it pitch dark out. And they call this "a war " against tyranny and tyrants for liberty and freedom and democracy? Who the hell is who?
And now President Bush has sneakily replaced the word terrorists with the word tyrants and the word terrorism with the word tyranny---and no one has said a damn word about it. I guess we stamped out terrorism and killed all the terrorists so now we have to go after the tyrants and the tyranny----which is a much more global audience for Bush to attack. Maybe Bush has just lost his marbles and we should call in the doctor and call a spade a spade. Maybe President Bush needs to be held down and medicated or something. I think he is suffering from "bully syndrome ". One minute he 's cowering in a 2nd grade classroom sitting on a hard metal chair reading "My Pet Goat " as NYC and Washington DC is being annihilated and the next minute he 's huffing and puffing and blowing your door down like the big, bad wolf. It 's strange.
And now I have to sit here and worry about all of this----without an ass warmer. I 'm pissed off.
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