(Author's note: This article originally ran on my web blog, I,Rantibus during the election campaign. However, with the re-emergence of the publicity-starved Joe the Plumber returning to recant, pontificate and otherwise befoul the public airwaves and daily fish-wraps, I thought it might be timely. )
Rantibus: Good Evening, Mr. Six-Pack. Welcome to the show.
Joe Six-Pack: How ya doin'? Pleasure to be here.
Rantibus: First, let's just set the record straight. Your name isn't really Joe Six-Pack.
Rantibus: So you took the nom de plume Joe Six-Pack to assume the mantle of Everyman, to symbolically represent the average working American?
Joe: No, I took it 'cause it sounds better than Arnie Schiezenkampf.
Joe: Actually, I did it 'cause the comb-over just wasn't workin' any more. Made my head look like a giant spider'd latched onto it.
Rantibus: Why exactly did you decide to become a spokesman for working class America?
Joe: For the publicity. Hell, it ain't like I'm doing anything else. I mean, look at this Joe the Plumber guy. One day he's just an unlicensed plumber who owes back taxes, then he talks to Senator Obama for two minutes and next thing you know he's some kinda middle-class icon. Ya think he'da gotten that kind of ink if he'd have just stuck to cleaning out sink traps?
Rantibus: That seems a bit cynical. Surely a person like you who works hard for his living might have some advice, some unfettered common sense to impart to the leaders of this nation?
Joe: Like? Look, Mr. Rantibus, can I be frank?
Joe: Oh, hah, hah...Ok, ya got me. But seriously, look at me. I barely graduated high school, I worked in a factory screwing the second left widget on a do-hickey 'till they outsourced my job to Crapistan, and for the last couple of years I been working part-time hanging dry-wall and bagging groceries on the night shift at Farmer Jack's. I never been out of the country - hell, I never even been more than three states away in any direction,. I've never served in uniform. I got no health insurance and my life savings are probably less than what you got on you now. Why the hell would anyone think I had anything important to say about national and international issues? And don't give me this "common sense" bulls__t, pardon my French. It's people like me that re-elected George W. Bush. We're the ones that took the $150,000 loans from Fannie Pack and Freddie Jerk to buy houses when we were unemployed and couldn't afford when we were. Some of us still believe Saddam Hussien had somethin' to do with 9-11. You oughta be damn glad that the "average" Joe Six-Pack doesn't have more influence in government.
Rantibus: Why is that?
Joe: You remember George Carlin, God rest his soul? Well he once said something like "Did ya ever listen to someone and think 'Jeezuz, this guy's a f__kin' idiot,' and then realize that most people are stupider than him?" Well, old George was absolutely right. The average American can be as dumb as a bag of hammers.
Rantibus: Isn't that just unfairly generalizing?
Joe: Geez, you don't get out much, do ya? Look - don't get me wrong here. There's a difference between ignorance and stupidity. An ignorant person just isn't educated to a lotta things. And let's face it, the bulk of Americans spent most of their time in school avoiding an education. That's why Dubya was so popular with half the country. This guy was not only flat-out ignorant, he was proud of it! See, Joe and Jane Six-Packs get suspicous of people with a lot of fancy degrees. They get the idea that these people think they're better than everyone else. But think about it fer a minute. Who do you want running the country? Somebody who can actually find Iraq and Iran on a map and knows the names of their leaders or a person who can't even pronounce the name of the country. "Eye-rack, Ee-rack..." I mean we been fighting there for over five years now. Don't'cha think it's time we all agreed on how to say the country's name?