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President Bush Encourages Choking of Chickens to Fight Flu

By Tara Parks  Posted by Rob Kall (about the submitter)       (Page 1 of 1 pages)     Permalink    (# of views)   No comments

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by Tara Parks

President Bush shocked the international community this week by encouraging world leaders to start “choking their chickens” to fight the deadly Avian Flu. The remarks were made at a Houston fundraiser benefiting the group Washington Aid for Systematic People, sponsored by some rich Texan with a lot of cattle.

“I really don’t see how I ---as leader of the greatest nation on earth, which does have the greatest chickens----even I cannot ignore the egg that has been laid. I will answer the clucks. They are due for slaughter anyway, but this time we won’t bar-b-que them. No. No matter how great our homegrown hens taste, they are sick and don’t feel too good. Not good enough to eat. So it’s undeniable. I have been telling Laura for weeks now that it is time to get those wrists warmed-up for the ‘ole grab and twist, but she doesn’t want to face up to reality. She likes to eat ‘em down to the bone.”

In a move to secure itself as a leading international choker of chickens, China is mass producing vast quantities of a generic cooking oil. According to one anonymous fourteen-year old boy in Xian, it provides excellent maneuverability but leaves behind terrible stains. However, the country seems undaunted by the clean-up prospects. Before his weekly ping pong game with death row inmates, Chinese President Hu Jintao said: ”America always say it has the biggest chickens, but our chickens are just as big, if not bigger. A Chinese bird can also threaten the global horizon---just like an egg roll in the sun. Our country produce many movies that show the actual size of our chickens, so just you watch. Just you watch! But don’t watch if you are Chinese or I put you in jail!” A cast covered Jintao’s right hand, but he still tossed his own balls and chicken-free salad for lunch.

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At a photo-op for WASP, President Bush seemed unfazed by the Chinese leader’s comments. ”I have heard what was said…about their little chickens. And I doubt…they have the same size birds we do. I hate to bring God into this whole mess, but I know that He thinks it is important for all of us to choke our chickens, no matter what their size. This is a pandemonium,’ he declared. Following this declaration, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan attempted to correct President Bush by mouthing the word “pandemic”, to which the President answered, ”Gezhundeit!”

When asked if he was scared of catching the Avian Flu, President Bush shrugged. “I told you people that I would gladly answer any questions you had about that bird flu. But I don’t know shinola about this...this new flu caused by Evian. The twins drink a lot of that stuff. Me, I stick to good ‘ole tap water. Secretary of State Rice will have to fill me in on that. She’s my SOS on the streets, you know. But I can’t have her in the same room with me trying to learn me up on another flu when I am trying to prevent a hendemic---it is hard to choke a chicken when she is around.”

Later that day, one of the Bush twins was spotted entering the Oval Office with a bucket of KFC Original Recipe and a twelve-pack. The White House officially declined comment, but sources report that both twins have been “doing their part” by stocking up on Vaseline.

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Tara Parks, 33, is a writer living in Chattanooga, Tennessee. For the last eight years, she lived in NYC and before that she spent time in Miami, Chicago, London, Bermuda and L.A. She loves to to travel and will be going on a tour of Europe in May. In June, she moves back to Chicago, where she and her business partner are launching The Kama Sutra Coloring Book. She enjoys politics, history, comedy, theatre and art.

 

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Rob Kall is an award winning journalist, inventor, software architect, connector and visionary. His work and his writing have been featured in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, CNN, ABC, the HuffingtonPost, Success, Discover and other media. 

He is the author of The Bottom-up Revolution; Mastering the Emerging World of Connectivity scheduled for release May 22, 2019

He's given talks and workshops to Fortune 500 execs and national medical and psychological organizations, and pioneered first-of-their-kind conferences in Positive Psychology, Brain Science and Story. He hosts some of the world's smartest, most interesting and powerful people on his Bottom Up Radio Show, and founded and publishes one of the top Google- ranked progressive news and opinion sites, OpEdNews.com

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Rob Kall has spent his adult life as an awakener and empowerer-- first in the field of biofeedback, inventing products, developing software and a music recording label, MuPsych, within the company he founded in 1978-- Futurehealth, and founding, organizing and running 3 conferences: Winter Brain, on Neurofeedback and consciousness, Optimal Functioning and Positive Psychology (a pioneer in the field of Positive Psychology, first presenting workshops on it in 1985) and Storycon Summit Meeting on the Art Science and Application of Story-- each the first of their kind.  Then, when he found the process of raising people's consciousness and empowering them to take more control of their lives  one person at a time was too slow, he founded Opednews.com-- which has been the top search result on Google for the terms liberal news and progressive opinion for several years. Rob began his Bottom-up Radio show, broadcast on WNJC 1360 AM to Metro Philly, also available on iTunes, covering the transition of our culture, business and world from predominantly Top-down (hierarchical, centralized, authoritarian, patriarchal, big)  to bottom-up (egalitarian, local, interdependent, grassroots, archetypal feminine and small.) Recent long-term projects include a book, Bottom-up-- The Connection Revolution, debillionairizing the planet and the Psychopathy Defense and Optimization Project. 

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