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Hey, Don Bill Quijote O'Reilly de la Manchada, let me review your book

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My dear desingenioso Hidalgo Bill O'Reilly:

Charge those windmills, Sir Gallows Head. Defend the honor of the truth Dulcinea, whom you have never seen. You are the greatest "Culture Warrior" since Don Quijote and not a single secular-progressive liberal is safe from your lance of truthiness.

Onward Sir Rants-a-lot, charge those twirling liberals and "expose the secular-progressive movement in our country for exactly what it is, . . . explain why it is so harmful for America, and . . . identify the movement's top leaders" Your weapons, gallant knight of truth and chivalry, are "facts and superior analysis based on those facts." Let no mere mortal ever accuse you of humility. No one can claim your head is empty when it is filled with such delusions of grandeur.

That's why you, Sir Rants-a-lot, tried to keep Media Matters from seeing an advance copy of your new scroll, "Culture Warrior." As you proclaimed on The O'Reilly Factor, your publisher refused an advance copy "a guy who writes for the left-wing smear site Media Matters." "Nice try," you boasted, "no book." You knew the fact-checking weasels would objectively analyze your book and subject it to the rigorous conservative standards of scholarship that no neo-conservative can endure.

But the dastardly knaves pilfered a copy and have slashed away at your scroll, chivalrous scribe. "It is hard to imagine a more loathsome group," as you say, Par-for-Bill. Yes, looming behind the minions at Media Matters is the evil knight himself, George Soros, or "public enemy number one" as you term him, Bill. These liberals are far worse a threat then even al-Qaeda for they are "capable of doing just about anything" and the secular-progressives are "brutal," "unrelenting," and "unprecedented." No wonder it is that you will not let any of them on your show. Freedom of speech must be protected from speaking freely and using facts instead of fantasies.

Thus, you reached "this necessary conclusion: All clear-thinking Americans should become opponents of the S-P movement for the simple reason of self-preservation." Rally the rankings, Don Bill Quijote O'Reilly. The windmills are spinning so liberally that they are about to start advancing across the country. Charge them before it's too late. Save the culture like you saved Christmas.

Take the gloves off, Bill. Pull no punches. Forget this noble sentimentality that you expressed: "I will try to avoid cheap shots and vindictiveness." Let go of "As a traditionalist who wants to win the fight, I try to avoid the personal stuff." Do whatever it takes to win, Bill. You're the man. God chose you to lead the crusade of light against the dark forces of evil. As you say, who knows where America would be without Fox News and you?

And what odds you face, Sir Tryst-fan. "There is no question that the vast preponderance of America's newspapers have a liberal editorial philosophy." "Locally, liberal papers outnumber conservative sheets about ten to one." Ah, sir, you are a wizard to know such things when no one else can find any statistics remotely suggesting such. How you can pull numbers straight out of the air!

But, foolish me, I have let slip with my tongue about you having a touch of the Merlin. For you do not need to go forth and meet the dragon first hand; you can cast words at the dragon without ever having to personally face the fearsome beast. Nay, wise knight, you need not endanger yourself to a fact-breathing dragon like Media Matters when you can cast spells over the magic airwaves.

Slay them all, great Culture Warrior, savior of western civilization against the outrages of liberalism, objectivity and truth. Bill Moyers is a fanatic. The Washington Post's Michael Kinsley is a "far-left bomb-thrower." "A guy like [Al] Franken you can impale. Nobody's gonna feel sorry for an individual of that low caliber."

Yes, noble knight, no one knows your lofty sentiments and tender perceptions. "I've been burned time and time again by writers who took my words out of context and provided snide commentary leading into my quotes." How hard it must be, fighting day and night against evil and the forces of liberalism. "Sometimes -- it's true -- I wish I were not a traditional warrior. The fight is hard and exhausting. If you've followed my career at all, you know I have become a major target." Tell of the crusade, knight simpler: "It's been ten years now since I began this fight. Mostly, I have won. My programs are hugely successful, my books are bestsellers. But I've paid the price, and so have those around me, because the amount of hatred directed my way is staggering."

So, please, my noble Hidalgo Bill, send me a copy of Dein Kampf, and I will lovingly give it all the respect it is due.


Richard Sancho Mathis

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B. 1952, GA, USA. D. To Be Determined. Beloved husband, father, grandfather, lover, confidant and friend of many from bikers to Zen masters; American writer and speaker, known for his criticism of Mammon's unholy trinity of big business, big (more...)
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