To: Ann Coulter, email@example.com
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Showing an occasional touch of humility, regret and shame when cornered
Let me perfectly blunt. You are going to have to do a hell of a lot better in responding to charges of plagiarism. Your magical incantation of calling a critic a liberal casts no spell over arch-conservative Rupert Murdoch's New York Post for they suffer from nary a touch of the liberal guilt. Stealing is a serious charge. Far, far worse than lying about the reasons for going to war, stealing is almost as bad a sin as oral sex.
Post reporter Philip Recchia reported that a plagiarism expert found that you had "cribbed liberally" in "Godless" and your columns the past year. Indeed, your syndicator is investigating the charges after expert John Barrie used iThenticate, state-of-the-art recognition software, to find three clear examples of "textbook plagiarism" in your latest book. He also found "verbatim lifts" in your weekly columns. In both the book and your columns, you were so brazen as to only rarely change a word when you lifted passages. You used people's ideas in the same order along with their arguments without ever attributing the sources. Even a lawyer should know better than that, Ann.
In an interview with NBC's Keith Olbermann, Barrie likened the examples of plagiarism to "the same sort of things that would flunk an English 1A student." Barrie also said on national television regarding the allegedly plagiarized passages that "This is not Ann Coulter . . . these are works from third parties that were used without citation."
Ann, when the New York Post - the flagship American newspaper of Rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News - is reporting charges that basically equate you with being a charlatan, liar and rip-off, things aren't going well. Not to mention that MSNBC's conservative talk-show host Joe Scarborough agreed with Recchia's call for "the big media companies, the publishers, the syndicates" to "look at" allegations of your plagiarism. In fact, the syndicator of your columns is already investigating the charges against you! My hounds of hell are not trained to turn on each other but to turn on my enemies at my command. I do not like it when there is trouble that I did not instigate, Ann. You should know that by now, my dear.
That was a bad decision not to respond directly to the Post, or to CNN when they wanted to ask you a few questions, but what the devil were you thinking when you wrote in your column that "How crappy a newspaper is the Post? Let me put it this way: It's New York's second-crappiest paper." You can't be talking that way about my media, you ungrateful shrew. Furthermore, what kind of defense is this? "I have sold a LOT of books -- more books, come to think of it, than any writers at the New York Post." But none of them were arrogantly stupid enough to be caught ripping off other people's passages word for word as their own, now were they, Ann? This airheaded, flippy-dippy, hippy chick in a cocktail dress is starting to wear thinner than your shoulder straps. And if you think that name calling is going to get you out of this mess with the Post, just realize that calling Murdoch's boys liberals is about as effective as calling you shameless.
Let me be straightforward, my dear. Your usefulness is starting to be rivaled by your liabilities. Surely you have inflamed outbursts of hellish hate on earth and I am most grateful for all the malice and ill will you have generated. Indeed, I have handsomely rewarded you with my earthly delights. Moreover, I bestowed upon you my highly coveted medallion for Meritorious Meretriciousness for Mammon. I readily and openly acknowledge that your service has been above and beyond the call of duty.
However, when Rupert Murdoch's New York Post is starting to be critical of you, it's time for us to take an honest look at what you're doing. Now, don't go flipping your hair, stomping your heels and pouting at me, young lady. I'm the one who taught you how to throw your first temper tantrum back when you had yet to sling your first real doo-doo at people. And, yes, I'm the one who promised you another turn even now that you are grown up. But, damn it, Ann, I need a little more cooperation and a lot less competition if this relationship is going to continue. Even we demons have to show an occasional attempt at humility, regret and shame when cornered and there is no other option.
Let's go over this once again. Do pay attention. You might think that you can make it without me, that you don't need me but just see how far you'll get in this business without me. They don't call the MSM Mammon's Syndicated Media without reason. You need to learn your place and get in it right soon. You've been acting too big for your breeches and need to remember who still wears the horns around here.
It's all right to abuse, bash, call names, degrade, evade, falsely accuse, grumble, humiliate, incite, jerk around, knock heads, lie, manipulate, needle, obfuscate, provoke, quibble, ridicule, spilt hairs, threaten, undercut, vituperate, whimper, xenophobia incite, yell and zap, even if doing so sparks violence and war. You're free to use every trick in my book of scams, shams and flim-flams to make all the money you can while doing my will. But property rights are sacred, even to many conservatives. You can't go and steal somebody's literary and intellectual work and claim it as your own. At least you can't openly do it yet.
Readily allowed that when it was only liberals attacking you, there was no problem. But when Murdoch's empire takes you on, you know Fox News can't be too far behind. They are as likely to be as savage with you as you were with Jayson Blair and the New York Times, especially now that you are attacking the Post. Let me remind you that while you have been an important part of my operation that you are not the whole team. I will no longer go to bat for you if you cannot refrain from attacking my other minions. From now on you must strictly limit your slinging slime toward liberals and you must start at least making the effort to rephrase passages you steal. At least change a few of the words. When things are in a list, rearrange them. Make number ten number one, for example. But as always, don't worry about ideas. I will gladly continue providing your inspiration, given, of course, you can prove that you are still a team player for Mammon's Synchronized Message.
As is, you are teetering on the edge of the precipice like an egomaniac drunk on hubris. Let me tell you from experience, my dear diletante, that it is a hard fall from being on top of the world all the way down to the depths of eternal infamy. Shape up, Ann, or else I'm afraid school children will soon immortalize you by singing: