The Devil's Diary
To: Bill O'Reilly, email@example.com
From: Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Re: Ignoring your critics
Pour a stiff one. Pop a Xanax. Bum a joint off the crew. Hell, ask Rush if he can get you some OxyContin. Whatever it is that gives you liver spots, ingest away, Bill. I've got something to say that you're not going to like. But hear me out. Spin it like I tell you and we can make the whole thing work to our liking. Just calm down and let it go. Have another hit. Call up another one of your female producers and play with yourself while you engage in one-way phone sex as was alleged in a lawsuit referenced in this new book. Didn't know she was going to record it, huh, Bill?
The authors also show your extensive sociopathic traits. They could have also discussed your borderline and Narcissistic tendencies. Be glad they didn't. Don't worry about your rage. It's alright. Indulge it all you want. Don't listen to anybody telling you that you have an anger management problem or that you don't know how to handle emotions. Bill, trust me. You're special. Your anger is righteousness itself. God wants you to be mad and smite his enemies who are also conveniently your enemies.
Ignore that Amann and Breuer point out that you are preoccupied with your ratings. Certainly some wise ass little weasel might try to psychoanalyze you and say that your chronic concern about the size of your ratings shows a fear of abandonment that is often associated with borderline personality disorder. But don't take such analysis seriously. Just call the ankle-biting weasel a bomb-throwing character assassin. Pay it no attention at all, Bill, if some fault finding liberal notes your constant need to prove your identity as something holy and special, and links it to an attempt to fill in an underlying deep sense of emptiness and unworthiness that haunts you. Bill, you have good reason to be paranoid about your critics conspiring to bring you down. Just look at how they already make fun of your schizoid reasoning and deranged delusions. But, Bill, don't worry. We both know that you're no sociopath, as much as you might like to be one. Sociopaths could give a sh*t about what others think. If anything, you obsess too much over what others think of you.
Happily for us Mammonites the title of this book may very well offend many potential buyers in the mainstream. There are a lot of people in the great center who are feed up with you, Bill. They want an alternative. Yet as much as they despise you, they are even more afraid of anything which remotely smacks of a secular, antireligious bias. Actually, they are more scared of having the religious right get on their case. Whatever the reason, those folks who would otherwise love reading such funny prose are likely to never be seen with a book with a title that might appear profane. Nor will the same readers likely buy a book linking hate with the name of Jesus. While in no way did Amann and Breuer intend any disrespect toward anybody except you, there are a goodly number of folks who start salivating upon only hearing the sound of a bell announcing the next round of the cultural war.
Anyway, by now, you should be getting a good buzz, Billie boy. Yep, you might be thinking, that was a close call. Don't get too laid back. This thing is far from over. Who knows what might happen? My educated guess is that because of how very well written and how truly funny the book is, and because of how much you are despised, their book is going to be widely read, recommended and referenced. Perhaps it will even become what's called a cult classic. Almost certainly it will be standard reading for anyone wanting to learn of your unique charms and special reasoning skills. Not to mention that readers are going to share with their friends about how witty and informative this book is. Just hope that Americans don't overcome their biases and are actually open minded enough to read this book. My fear is that they very well might be. Don't be surprised if it buzzes around your ears for a while.
Except for the occasional cheap swat, my advice is to continue ignoring them and their likes such as Media Matters, Greg Palast, Eric Boehlert, Helen Thomas and News Hounds. Taint them all as godless, un-American, treasonous liberals any time any single one says a single bad word about you. None of them are number one, Bill, and that's all that matters. Ratings are the might which makes right, hey, old buddy?
Don't worry about the truth-tellers, Bill. Just stay on task and keep up the good work of doing my will here on earth as it is done in hell.
Lucifer B. Mephistopheles de Mammon
Tags: Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly Factor, Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly, Media Matters, Greg Palast, Helen Thomas, Eric Boehlert, News Hounds, Joseph Minton Amann, Tom Breuer, Nation Books