Dear Mr. George President Bush, Sir, May I...
I am Penelope Anne Pinstripe. I am a student at St. Half-Baked U. a Catholic School of Journalism. Many of my friends are surprised that I am a Democrat because they say my intellectual profile fits that of most of your supporters, nonetheless, I am a Democrat. They have a Donkey or a Jackass, or Mule for a mascot. Actually, I like Elephants better, they are cute and have long noses and toenails to die for and I love those tusks, they are so... well, tusky. And they are also so very big and Tall, besides I love their tone of gray it goes so well with my eyes, which are also grey, but with more blue in them.
One of my friends is nudging me to stick to the point, so then, (but, anyways, I did want you to know that I do like elephants better than donkeys), anyways; I am an intern here with the writer with the above byline. He had actually selected a different student, who actually won the contest for this internship, a Harvard student named Jacquelyn Roberta Kennedy, (a Kennedy?) but at the last minute, she caught Mono, and so he got me in what they call around here the left-over intern-draft, pool. (Which I think was the wrong pool, my pool was for cleaning the club swimming pool, but there was mix-up)
Anyways, the Prof (Pete) is letting me use his column space (I think) while he is out playing tennis and horseback riding with some actress, about half his age. (How come when men are just past puberty they like older women, like between 18-24 and when they reach closer to the age of Methuselah they like girls again that are between the ages of 18-24?)
Anyways, I have a few questions. First I hear bits and pieces from my dad and my mom about grown ups. Especially when they think I am too busy studying to notice. The other day mom was saying that dad is a bear when she is having her female time of the month and now that she is very pregnant, also, and that some men get very crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious, if they don't have sex every day, or sometimes more. She says he argued with a cop who was going to ticket him and the cop and him got into a scuffle and dad knocked him out cold and then bought him a drink when he came to because it turned out the cop's wife was in the last weeks of pregnancy and she couldn't have sex either, so dad didn't get a ticket, because they were brothers in a cause and "bonding" whatever that is. So, they both just got drunk together after the cop got off duty, and besides, Heather, who is my roommate at St. Half-Baked U. a Catholic School of Journalism, is our baby-sitter for my little sister Nellie, but now Mom, (She is Tiffany, who was dad's mom's baby sitter, for dad's younger sister Winnie) well, Tiffany-Mom, as pregnant as she is, suddenly is refusing to let dad drive the baby sitter, my roommate Heather, home any more. Mom said to Sally our neighbor, that if dad hadn't driven her home when she was his little sister's baby sitter, she wouldn't be in the predicament she is in now with five kids in 45 months of marriage.
Anyways, I am being nudged again for drifting off target, back to my premise; if some men really do get crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious, when things don't go the way they want them to, maybe that is why you are sending our kids off to fight and kill other people's kids? If so, that is just a bit over the top. Maybe you should have sex more often-I am not saying you don't, but if your wife is too busy, maybe we should reconsider making polygamy legal again, so some men wouldn't go off and kill each other if they aren't getting enough sex regularly. So, as you know, if they are then getting sex regularly, then maybe won't send our kid's off to kill the kid's of people they don't like, either/too!
I think also when men are cowardly and avoided fighting in a war when they were in the service, when they get old they want to show they are macho, so they send other people's kid's off to kill still other people's kid's, and they sometimes do it for some pretty weird reasons. Like some people want to kill people's kid's who wear dots on their heads, or people's kid's who pray too often, like several times a day and they sing their prayers real loud so they can be heard for blocks, or People whose kid's call God Allah, instead of Yahweh or Jesus, or just God. Now, is that stupid or what? And people call me dense? What is it about the simple words, Thou Shalt Not Kill, that some people don’t get? It isn’t Thou Shalt Not Kill unless they have lots more oil then we do, or Thou Shalt Not Kill unless they wear dots on their heads, or Thou Shalt Not Kill, unless they call God Allah, after all, Sister Mary Roserybeads says, Shakespeare said, what’s in a name? Nor, she says, is it, Thou Shalt Not Kill unless they sing their prayers several times a day real loud. If it is too loud or annoying, plug up your ears or move to a different neighborhood. Tolerance, Father O'Flynn O'Malley, says is the Christian way.
Look what happened to poor Mr. Bill President Clinton; once he found Monica, he stopped sending our kid's over to Kosovo to kill other people's kids anymore. (I think). Of course, my cousin says it isn't just lack of sex that makes some men crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious. They also get that way if their favorite baseball team loses a lot. How did Texas Rangers do last year and how have they started off this season? Mom says men also get crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious, if someone misplaces their tools. Do know where your tools are tonight?
My Aunt Millie says some men get crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious, when politics aren't going well for them. How are your politics going today? Are those pesky Democrats getting belligerent too? Hmmm, well they seem to get enough sex, I wonder why they are so mad at you? She says men also get crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious, if someone drinks their last bottle of Bock Beer, did someone drink your last bottle of Bock Beer? Heather my roommate, who is quite a scrumptious looking gal... hey, wait a minute is that why mom won't let dad drive her home anymore? Anyways, Heather says, if she says no to her boyfriends they get all crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious. Did someone say no to you lately, someone like those nasty old Democrats in congress?
But again, I am getting nudged, and have to get to the main point of my story. I hear you have this BIG ranch or farm or open field down in Crawfish or Crawforth, or Crawford, Texas, several jillion acres and it would be just perfect for what I have in mind... well, actually not for what I have in mind, but what for what the professor has in mind, the one whose byline I am using today (I hope he doesn't mind, he said I could do whatever I wanted while he was out, jut not to touch his computer, so am using his secretary's computer. She called in sick right after he left and I found his password to enter his column online, so here I am!
Well, anyways, back to the point. We need such a place as yours for a rally. We have invited 5,000,000 people to join us and we thought since you were kind enough and so was the city council of Crayfish or whatever, to let that lady Cindy Sheehan use some of your land for a rally, you let us use some too, even those ditches with the muddy water or oil or whatever, are okay. Oh, okay, my teacher, Sister Mary Rosary Beads, is nudging me to stick to the subject and let you know what the rally is all about, so here goes:
My mentor here at OpEdNews.com, wants to impeach or hire a Special Prosecutor (Maybe Elliot Spitzer) to investigate and indict the President and Vice President and a whole bunch of other people, and he wants this Special Prosecutor to also investigate Hellsaburpen or Hallybuttons or something like that, and some oil and arms companies and some missing billion$* of dollars which he thinks Mr. Cheney is using to incite terrorism not only over seas but here as well. He thinks Mr. Cheney wants to create a disaster and blame it on the Democrats...Oh; I bet someone misplaced Mr. Cheney's tools or drank his last bottle of Bock beer as well. (* How does someone misplace Billion$ of dollars?)
Anyways the Prof thinks a really BIG rally of a few million people will wake up that ditzy Mrs. Pelosi into realizing that she should stick to her job instead of gushing all over you at the next dinner party. If I were her husband, I wouldn't be so happy about THAT! Now, he'll probably get all crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious.
Gee, is there anything that doesn't make some men all crabby, irritable, testy, hostile, belligerent, and pugnacious?
Anyways, can we just use your backyard for the rally, for just a few days, please, Puhleeeease, Pretty Puleeze with sugar on it?
Penelope Anne Pinstripe