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Liquid Fear

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Message Missy Beattie
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The Transportation Security Administration has just announced that lactating women will no longer be allowed to board airplanes unless they have completely emptied both breasts five minutes prior to lift off. The new safety measure has been put in place in light of the recent apprehension of "terrorist plotters" in Great Britain who planned to use liquid explosives.

"Evildoers will stop at nothing to destroy our freedoms," George Bush said. They hate us so much for what we love they'd even make breast-milk bombs."

The world watched as beleaguered, airline passengers tossed shampoo, lotion, hair gel, cough syrup, deodorant, water, and toothpaste. The delayed travelers guzzled bottles of wine rather than turn it over to guards at airports throughout the country. Anything the consistency of the NEW terror, that state of matter-LIQUIDS-had to be discarded. Eventually, word came down that anyone with a boarding pass would not be allowed to consume their alcohol while they waited at security checkpoints. It was determined that if passengers got sloshed, they might vomit-another liquid which could be used in explosives making-after they were airborne. This developed because emergency meetings had yielded new information to ensure the safety of the public.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, White House Homeland Security Advisor Frances Townsend, Director of National Intelligence John Negroponte, CIA Director Michael Hayden, and Director of the National Counterterrorism Center Vice Admiral John Scott Redd had met behind closed doors with the president and Condoleezza Rice, brainstorming to list liquids that appeared harmless but, instead, could be used for nefarious purposes. As the group watched footage of weary travelers in long lines at busy airports, it occurred to Hayden that lactating terrorists might hand express milk in flight either in the lavatory or while seated and, then, add the recipe that every anchor across the continent has been announcing on air in exactly the precise measure to create an explosive device which would cause catastrophic loss of life.

This revelation led to questions about other body fluids. "Could not urine be used as a liquid medium to disguise a bomb?" asked a janitor who just happened to be removing a waste basket during the discussions.

Tension in the room mounted. BODY FLUIDS! "Body fluids could be a bomb-makers wet dream," said Rice. Heads jerked to attention. A collective gasp was heard. All brows were raised and eyes bulged.

Someone whispered, "Menstrual blood."

"Is anybody writing this down?" asked Bush. "Let's call it Liquid Terror."
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Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She's written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she's a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a (more...)
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