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When Harry Met Cheney

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Message Missy Beattie
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I confess. I've been listening to the mainstream media examine Dick Cheney's blast which sprayed (shot) pellets into the face, neck, and chest of his hunting buddy, Harry Whittington. I've surfed the channels, conducting exhaustive research and after consolidating all the facts, I know with certainty the evolution of events leading to the hospitalization of a Republican donor.

Let me set this up for you: Cheney's unpopular. He tries to do that Elvis thing with his mouth but women don't seem to "get" it and that has to anger Lynne. After all, Bill Clinton has his own mouth thing going--biting his lower lip and immediately connecting with the masses.

But it's much more important than a popularity contest. Because Lewis "Scooter" Libby, once loyal to the Vice, may have implicated Cheney as the "superior" who gave Libby the authority to leak classified information to reporters about Iraq's nuclear capability. Tied to this is the possibility that the vice president may have been involved in the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Dick needed some quick advice and the "go to guy" is always Karl Rove. Their conversation may have gone something like this:

Rove: "It's bad, but there's nothing I can't fix. We just threw down the terror card, so I don't want your mentioning Osama bin Laden or Zawahiri."

Cheney: "What about the wedge issues? They're the perfect distraction."

Rove: "No, no, no, Dick. We only draw those aces right before an election."

Cheney: "What about Lynne? She could talk about my health."

Rove: "NO!!! Statements about your health are issued only when absolutely necessary--like if
your heart stops. You're in perfect health right now. Visualize perfect health, and stop sweating."

Cheney: "It usually doesn't take you this long, Karl."

Rove: "If you'd stop talking...Got it!!!! I have a call to make. Could you excuse me?"

Cheney: "You mean you're not going to tell me?"

Rove: "Later, I have work to do."

Karl immediately phoned Harry Whittington and said, "I hate to give credit to a Democrat, but remember that famous quote from one of John F. Kennedy's speeches?"

And Harry said, "You talking about 'ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country'--that's the one, right?"

"Exactly. Well, your country needs you to do something--pronto. George needs you. Dick needs you. The Party needs you."

"I've already donated..."

"No, this may be a greater sacrifice than money."

"Money is power. What could be greater than that? But I'd do anything for my country, I mean, my Party."

"Dick Cheney is going to have to shoot you--with a gun."

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Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She's written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she's a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a (more...)
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