In case you were holed-up in a mud hut in Namibia with Angelina Jolie last Sunday May 13, 2007, Phil Mickelson just won the Players Championship at Pontiff Vedra Beach, Florida. Meanwhile, Pope Benedict XVI was in Brazil, canonizing the first-ever Brazilian Saint, the 18th century Brazilian Friar Antonio Galvao. Friar Tuck was noted for teaching Robin Hood to begin his downswing by tucking his right elbow into his right side.
Brazilians try to cure cancer by swallowing Friar Galvao pills, pieces of paper with prayers written on them. Half the rainforest was cut down so that Brazilians could swallow pieces of paper with the words “Dear Jesus please help me to cure my slice.” After the Players Championship at Sawgrass, Phil Mickelson took the yellow 18th flag and wrote upon it, “Butch, the 1st of many! Phil Mickelson.” Amy Mickelson was not on 18 to greet Phil Mickelson because she was back home in Rancho Santa Fe California unable to cancel her Brazilian appointment.
Friar Galvao was a famous counselor. Butch Harmon is the former counselor of Tiger Woods. Three weeks ago, Phil Mickelson excommunicated his long time swing coach Rick Smith and hired Butch Harmon. Butch Harmon told Phil Mickelson that he needed to be more conservative like Pope Benedict XVI. Phil Mickelson won 30 PGA golf tournaments and two Masters, hitting the ball sideways because he overswung. This weekend in Brazil, Pope Bendict XVI called for an end to swinging and a return to traditional family values. Pope Benedict XVI attacked the media for ridiculing the sanctity of marriage and virginity before marriage. Based upon his note to Butch Harmon, the 36-year-old Phil Mickelson seems to think that this was his maiden victory.
Elisangela do Nascimento, a 33-year-old divorced housewife from Sao Paulo said that when it came to divorce, “this Pope is a little too rigid.” Speaking of rigidity, recently the Vatican declared that anyone criticising Pope Benedict XVI would be deemed a terrorist. Phil Mickelson declared that “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Boxing has not had a white heavyweight champion since John L. Sullivan in 1892. John L. Sullivan fought for $250. Golf had been an exclusively white game until Tiger Woods came along and threatened the majors’ record of the golden bear. Everyone hated the golden bear for dethroning the King, and now many golfers, including Don Imus, harbor resentment against Tiger Woods for dethroning the golden bear. In the meantime, while Pope Benedict is rushing off to Rio to save the world by protesting against abortion, the real bears are forced to eat their young because 1 billion Catholics have been party to melting the Arctic Icecaps. When the melting Antarctica causes the earth’s 1 sea to rise permanently 50 feet, and Sawgrass becomes the lost continent of Atlantis, the USGA may be forced to amend the rules. Watching Phil Mickelson split the fairways on Sunday, white America had an onrushing dream of Phil Mickelson becoming the great white hope and winning the next 10 majors.
With his Bobby Jones haircut and swagger, white America is now salivating at the thought of Phil Mickelson winning the real grand slam. The Tiger Slam is like hitting for the cycle by hitting a home run and a single in one game and a double and a triple in the next game. It’s like kissing your brother. Watching Phil Mickelson and Butch Harmon embrace after Phil’s victory on Sunday, one had to wonder if Amy Mickelson’s absence was due to more than a sudden world-wide drought of bees wax.
Two years ago, Phil Mickelson hired a rocket scientist named Dave Pelz to teach him how to chip and putt. Apparently, Rick Smith was unfamiliar with this aspect of the game. Phil went from choking every clutch 3 footer to never missing inside 10 feet, when Dave Pelz mentioned that Phil was taking his putter back closed. Now Phil has gone from spraying his driver into the trees to splitting the fairway, because Butch Harmon told him that if he stopped straightening his right leg on the backswing and kept his right knee firm and flexed, it would stop his backswing at parallel, instead of looking like the Walter Hagen of our time John Daly at the top. This one swing tip may finally restore the Ryder Cup to American soil.
Dave Pelz says that, in science, when someone develops a theory, it is published world-wide and criticised by every scientist on earth to determine its viability. The Vatican has declared that anyone criticising Pope Benedict XVI will be deemed to be a terrorist. Osama bin Laden is a terrorist. The Christian Bible ends with these words of John: “I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this book. If anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away that person’s share in the tree of life and in the holy city. The one who testifies to these things says, ‘Surely I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus! The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all the saints. Amen.” God helps those who help themselves. Had Phil Mickelson waited for some Divine Revelation to fix his driver and putter, he would never have won a green jacket. If the people of Earth wait for a mythical messiah to clean up their mess and bring peace to Earth instead of doing it themselves, then they will be doomed to the same watery grave which Sean O’Hair found himself lying in on the Island Green last Sunday afternoon.