Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said: "People of Earth. First of all I am extremely tired of seeing my name constantly misspelled in the newspapers outside of Iran. It isn't Khomeini, Khameini, Hameini, or Chameini, it's Khamenei. Think of it this way. The "K" which stands for "King" is silent."
"I normally remain silent and let my puppet president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad do my speaking for me. Think of President Mahmoud Ahmidinejad, the titular head of Iran as my consigliore, Don Corleone's mouthpiece in the Godfather, Tom Hagen played by Robert Duvall. Robert Duvall is 76 years old. My new wife Anna Nicole Smith keeps telling me that I look much older than my 69 years because of the way that I dress in my black Robe and black turban, and my long white beard and because I walk hunched over with my cane. I have promised Anna that I am going to shave my beard and my head and begin to wear Giorgio Armani suits from now on so that she can take me to the Cannes Film festival. I bought it. Cannes."
"Since my recent marriage to Anna Nicole Smith, Anna and I have been watching a lot of American movies like the Godfather trilogy because Anna Nicole Smith isn't that interested in the Muslim movies since she hasn't learned to speak Farsi yet, let alone the other 43 languages which we speak in Iran. Robert Duvall was excellent in "Gone in Sixty Seconds". You may not know this but Robert Duvall was awarded the National Media Arts Award by President George Bush and his lovely wife Laura Bush. I had President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad write two letters to President George Bush but he never responded."
"I really need to speak with President Bush before he does something which the entire world is going to regret. You see I am merely the titular head of Iran. In fact I am the consigliore for both Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Hu Jintao. According to them the Middle East is their backyard and their oil. Have you heard of MAD, Mutually Assured Destruction? I am just following their orders. China and Russia backed tiny North Vietnam to defeat the United States in the 60's. Think of Iran as North Vietnam without the swamps and jungles."
"Anna Nicole Smith will tell you that really I am a very nice person. Why else would she marry me? Recently Vladimir Putin, Hu Jintao, Anna and I were playing golf at the Dubai Creek Golf and Yacht Club. Most people know that President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are only the titular heads of the United States of America. The real rulers of the United States of America are the major shareholders of the largest defense contractors and oil companies. The Iraq War has sent oil shares through the roof and the Iraq Study Group recently reported that because of the Iraq War it was now going to cost the American taxpayers 2 trillion dollars to re arm the military. The defense aka the offense contractors have made a killing from this war. Raytheon is the fifth largest defense contractor in the world."
Anna Nicole Smith is very New Age. She gave me three fabulous books to read by James Redfield, "The Celestine Prophecy", "The Tenth Insight" and "The Celestine Vision". Anna and I Ayatollah Ali K-H-A-M-E-N-E-I are really into synchronicities."
"So Vladimir Putin, Hu Jintao, Anna Nicole Smith and I are on the fifth green. Anna has been helping me line up my putts. She stands right behind me and squats like Fanny Sunesson. So out of nowhere Hu says "Ali Khamenei did you know that the Raytheon Corporation has 80,000 employees?" I was stunned. All of a sudden an incredibly bright glaring white flash went off in my head. I couldn't believe it. I was dumbstruck. I said "No way Hu you're teasing me." Hu Jintao says to me, "No, seriously Ali, go look it up. I hold two trillion dollars worth of United States Treasury Bills and Savings Bonds. I have to keep an eye on my investment portfolio."
"So back at the room Anna looks it up on her Toshiba laptop while I'm listening to "I'm in the Money" aka "Follow Me Gangster" by 50 Cent on the new iPod Anna bought me as a wedding present. 50 thinks he's tough. It makes me laugh. Let him go fight Vladimir Putin's 25,000 100 Megaton Nuclear Bombs which split into eight in mid air coming across the North Pole or Hu Jintao's 300 million man army and nuclear satellite busters. 50 cent has two pistols. It's a joke. Anyway 50 cent thinks he's a tough guy and he's making money and I like his music so that's fine. So Anna says to me, "Santa it's true, the Raytheon Corporation has 80,000 employees."
"So now I'm totally dying. I cannot believe the Divine synchronicity of the whole thing. The second most important Muslim Holy Scripture is the Hadith, the sayings of the prophet Muhammad. In the Hadith the prophet Muhammad said that in Heaven every Muslim believer would receive 72 Virgins and 80,000 servants. Par is 72. Our ancestors were super intelligent aliens who built the Pyramids, the crop circles, Stonehenge, Las Vegas and the spaceship kept at Area 51. Allah told the Angel Gabriel to tell the Prophet Muhammad that there were 72 Virgins because Hu told me that you can see from space that it takes 72 years for the earth to precess 1 degree of arc and Jim Hardy and I are now working on widening my swing arc like Vijay Singh."
"Jim Hardy says that there are two types of golf swings, the one plane swing and the two plane swing. Jim says that the two swings are like oil and water, they don't mix. So Anna Nicole Smith says to me, "Who told you?" So I ask Anna to type in Schwab dot com and buy the controlling interest in the Raytheon Corporation. Then Anna says "How about Royal Dutch Shell? I love Shell's Wonderful World of Golf. Gene Sarazen is so cute and he gives good tips at the end." So I say "O.K. What the heck, why take chances?" Anna is brilliant. I can't wait for Anna and I to have dinner with George and Laura Bush in the State Dining Room at the White House this spring. Maybe we'll all head down to Augusta National for the Masters. Anna wants to meet Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren. Anything for my little pussycat."