"Laura, you 're never going to guess what happened today. "
"What George? "
" I was bike riding out through the back forty and hit a rock and tumbled on the ground. I rolled over and looked up and there stood Jesus, long hair, beard, white robe, sandals and the whole bit. "
"No Laura, that 's what I thought too at first, in fact I said, 'Yea right! ' and he said 'No really watch this and he levitated a steer, floated around in a circle until it was dizzy and set it back on the ground where it promptly fell over, it was amazing. "
"Sure George "
"Sure George, just like when God told you to invade Iraq. "
"No Laura, he showed me what is going to happen if I don 't change and it wasn 't pretty. So Laura, I 'm going to change, Jesus and I had a long talk and this is what we decided "
"First I 'm going to stop the war in Iraq and offer to make reparations there and around the rest of the world where we have hurt and exploited people. I don 't even care if John Kerry and Joe Biden don 't want me to, I have to bring about world peace, Jesus said as the most powerful man in the world it was my responsibility. To do it we will have to disarm the military and take that half a trillion dollars a year to help establish a sustainable environment, cure diseases and eliminate hunger. I 'll send all of the military people out to work to build infrastructure projects in America and around the world, it will be one big Peace Corps. "
"I also am going to nationalize all of the big defense contractors, the utilities and probably the drug companies too, after all, their research and development costs were funded by the public and we 've given them enough tax breaks so they really would just be giving back money they stole in the first place. General Dynamics, Carlyle, Haliburton and all of the other big defense contractors are going to have a new assignment, developing clean energy, restoring the environment and dealing with the consequences of global warming but now they would be non profits like all of my old businesses were. "
"I told him I didn 't think Daddy would like that and he said that I was supposed to be a steward of the earth. I told him I was a cheerleader once and was that what he meant? He said no, that what he meant was that I had a responsibility to unborn children to make the world 's environment better for them. "
"Next thing Dick, Karl, Tom that guy Frist and all of those guys over at American Enterprise Instituted and the Wall Street Journal Editorial Board are going to get drafted and sent to work the in the vegetable fields and meat packing plants of America so they can learn some compassion for others. I told him they wouldn 't like that, but Jesus said if I didn 't do it, they didn 't have a prayer of getting into heaven so it 's for their own good. "
"He also said I was supposed to take all of the wealth anyone had over $200,000 and give it to people to start small businesses and co-ops to provide for their own needs so they wouldn 't have to work in a meaningless job in a rat maze of cubicles at a monster corporation who would dump them and cancel their pension as soon as they got close to retirement. Then he told me to offer everyone national healthcare, disability, retirement pensions and meaningful work. He said thats what government was supposed to do if they wanted to follow his message. "