Article: Home of the Brave, Land of the Felon

It seems that half a million people in America aren't too happy about the idea of becoming felons all of a sudden. Clearly, they wanted to simply skate by on their low-paying jobs and escape prison by acting as if they are productive citizens. Perhaps they feel that in addition to their long work hours, poor pay, and the supposed stigma that having brown skin brings in this country, becoming a felon is just a little bit too much to handle this year. This just shows what a carefree life they hope to have, right here in our dear America!

But really, they should have known better. Silly brown folk. They should have known better than to buy the hype, all that "give me your poor, your huddled, your tired, and legally processed" stuff (that is how it goes, right?) The strange, optimistic alien race just hasn't learned the difference between packaging and content yet. I mean, do you think when us true Americans go to the store and buy something that says "NOW WITH 40% MORE HEALTHY INGREDIENTS!" we actually believe it? This ignorance just shows how simpleminded the Latinos are. Sure, America is officially about integration, but that's a cover story that doesn't really penetrate the heart of our Great American Nation. And to tell you the truth, that story is rather old-school anyway, you know? That whole "melting pot" thing is just, ugh--so passe'. (That is a French word meaning "dead in the water," and just the fact that I am using a FRENCH word should show you exactly how dead that notion is.)

Perhaps if all these lazy Mexicans would take some time off from their long, luxurious work schedules, they would have some time to read up on the New World Order. See, nowadays, we've got a new Thing goin' on. It's less of a "send the homeless, tempest-tossed to me" and more of a "Fear the Darkie" thing, you dig? You've really got to stay up on these things if you want to be a Good American, trust me. The whole "acceptance, love, and unity" vibe of the 70s is pretty much dead in the ditch, and now we're much more into a "Xenophobic/World-Warrish/Fear the Other" groove.

Also, you really can't blame all these old, white men on TV, and in Washington. It's not as if they are against the amount of brown faces overwhelming the pale; it's not as if they are actually worried that one day you may one day bump bellybuttons with their pink daughters; it's not as if they are afraid of you banding together and voting in one of your own; it's simply that all these men in power have a thing against lawbreakers. I mean, you can't blame them for that. They simply have a deep-seated love of Truth, Justice, and Law. It's how they got into office, it's how they stay in office, it's how they all conduct their affairs, and it's how they raise their money. When these honorable, law-abiding poiticians see you skirting around the law, well...it just offends their truth-soaked souls.

This is why you, my good (and illegal) Mexican, must heed the call now being sounded in the justice-glazed halls of our Nation. You must surrender yourself to prison immediately. Don't even wait for the bill to be enacted. Come on. Admit it. You know it's best! Someone else, I'm sure, will pick up your order pad, shovel, rake, steering wheel, mop, backhoe, bucket, forklift, or duster. Just walk away from your job, and walk away from your children, and walk away from your American Dream--the one that transmits around the world like a golden midnight radio show, infecting the hearts of poor and oppressed people everywhere--and turn yourselves into your local jail. For America, I ask you to do this. For everything that we hold dear and true as patriots of this great nation, you must accept your status as criminals.

And God Bless America. Each and every (legal) one of us.