I recently read an article (if one can call treasonous propaganda an article) by Chalmers Johnson, a self-hating Leftist with an ill-disguised agenda to wreck our great nation. As I pen this response, my hands are shaking with rage to the extent that I can hardly write. Entitled http://www.harpers.org/RepublicOrEmpire.html on the United States, Johnson's odious piece of sophistry predicts the imminent collapse of the most powerful and benevolent nation in history. Unless of course we conform to his Communistic, pacifist notions of how America should interact with the world. Using the patently liberal scheme of creating a false dichotomy, Mr. Johnson would have us believe that the United States has become an empire and has to "revert" to being a republic in order to survive. Obviously Mr. Johnson is too blinded by his intellectual arrogance, liberal bias, and his privileged existence to see the liberty and democracy manifested by our noble republic. I would feel hatred for him, but my emotions are too devoted to pitying this pathetic half-wit.
As I distribute this piece for publication, I challenge all the lying anarchistic nihilists that hide behind their alternative rags on their precious "Web" to publish my response to Chalmers Johnson's subversive rant. If they have the guts, they'll run the views of a REAL American so their brain-washed readers can see how deeply "thinkers" like Chalmers Johnson denigrate a truly outstanding democracy. But I'd bet my 2006 hedge fund gains that the likes of that freak over at Rense.com, the guitar-strumming fruit at Dissident Voice, that vitriolic pig at Thomas Paine's Corner, the twerp (who publishes the news that isn't worthy of CNN) at Information Clearing House, that liar over at Speaking Truth to Power, the idealistic idiot at Cyrano's Journal, that clown at 1000 Reasons, the Axis of Liars at Axis of Logic, those hopelessly deluded souls at the Free Press, the queers at Online Journal, those champions of the lesser race at Black Agenda Report and the Black Commentator, the pseudo-pinko intellectuals over at ZNet and Political Affairs, that penny-pinching leprechaun at Counterpunch, the homosexual Benedict Arnold at Media Matters, and a host of other social rejects fouling the world with their tripe will lack the spine to expose their readers to my truths.
I am not going to waste my time responding directly to the absurd and disingenuous allegations Chalmers Johnson makes about America the Beautiful. The US of A and its supporters have nothing for which to apologize. We are champions of freedom and prosperity, even for those ingrates who don't deserve it. The crux of our problem here in the United States is that a small percentage of our own populace, including this Johnson fellow, despises us for our liberties and that Socialists have been able to impose certain aspects of their agenda on the rest of us. It is my sincere hope that one day soon the DHS will exterminate this roach-like infestation.
Meanwhile, like a high class individual afflicted with a life-long STD after one youthful indiscretion, we must find a way to cope with this affliction. Thankfully, Buckley, Rand, McCarthy, and Friedman provided both the impetus and the intellectual bulwark for the unstoppable movement that is making the extinction of our Left-Wing traitors a reality.
We owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Richard Nixon for martyring himself to initiate the restoration of America to its rightful place in the pantheon of great civilizations. He tapped into America's Silent Majority, but tragically, that "majority" was beguiled by the likes of Chalmers Johnson and turned on Nixon in a shameful display of scapegoating. Disgraced and forced to resign from an office he held with a distinction and honor exceeded only by our nation's eventual saviors, Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush, a truly remarkable leader was smeared, slandered, and destroyed by the Socialist scourge as it desperately thrashed about in the throes of death.
Ronald Reagan's virtues and heroic deeds could fill volumes of historic text. If I had to choose one man who best exemplified the essence of our nation's greatness, it would surely be "the Gipper". From the moment he took office the world was on notice that there was a new sheriff in town. America's days of pacifist foreign policy, coddling the working class, catering to Coloreds, appeasing radical Muslims, and tolerating the Communist Menace in Moscow were over. With Reagan at the wheel, the US was taking a hard right. And there wasn't a goddamned thing those liberal jellyfish could do about it.
We did have some lean years under Clinton. But in the end, he didn't do such a bad job for us. He gave us the Telecommunications Act in 96 that enabled fine companies like Viacom and Fox to eradicate the progressive contamination plaguing our media. Old Slick Willy effectively ended the free ride for parasitic black welfare queens and their repulsive brood. He helped our friends in Israel continue oppressing those squatters in Palestine. And perhaps best of all, he accelerated the demise of Saddam Hussein through UN economic sanctions. Considering he was a Democrat, he did pretty well by us. And personally, I admire him for his sexual escapades. A man has needs. It had to be an honor for a lowly intern to perform fellatio on the leader of the free world.
But I have to admit that despite Clinton's contributions to the renewal of America's greatness, there was a degree of malaise in the gap between Reagan and Bush/Cheney. America suffered a bit of a setback, but it was but a minor bump in the road.
Bush 43's valiant effort to fend off Gore's abhorrent attempt to steal the 2000 election was truly the saving grace of the United States. Imagine if Gore had successfully installed himself in office through unscrupulous means. No doubt in my mind that he would have tried to "reason" with those despicable terrorists after they flattened the WTC and murdered 3,000 of our countrymen.
Fortunately, once George Bush assumed his rightful place in the Oval Office, he had the wisdom to fill his staff with seasoned veterans full of character, like Negroponte, Feith, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, and now Robert Gates. We may have term limits for the Presidency (thanks to that liberal cripple whom it seemed would NEVER leave office), but that doesn't prevent good men from running our exceptional country from behind the scenes for indefinite spans of time. Bush and his able staff have pursued the terrorists to the ends of the Earth and will not rest until every threat to the American Way has been extinguished. I am on my knees every morning thanking God for the entire Bush administration.
I alluded earlier to Nixon's "Silent Majority". By expressing my thoughts in this composition, I am speaking out for Bush's "Silent Minority". We may only comprise 29% of the population, give or take a few percentage points, but we are the heart and soul of the greatest nation in the history of the world. You've seen us. We're the white Christians driving SUV's proudly adorned with "W, Still the President" stickers. We are the working men who have not forgotten what it means to be an American. We are the men in uniform ready to die for this great nation. We are the CEO's and multi-billionaires that comprise George Bush's "base". We have spines, testosterone aplenty, faith in a Christian God, patriotism, and the appropriate level of skin pigmentation. Hell, we ARE America.
If you doubt that, simply consider who founded the USA. Were they Afro-Americans? Women? Indians? The poor? Not by a long shot. Our Founding Fathers were primarily wealthy, white Christian men who owned land. Aside from the inclusion of our pecunious Zionist friends, the essence of the leadership in the United States has changed little. We have the means and the intellect to captain this ship. The rest of you comprise our passengers or crew. So excepting the times you exercise your right to vote, keep your mouths shut, know your place, and don't make trouble.
Need I remind you that we have the most powerful military in the history of mankind, the FBI, the CIA, the Patriot Act, the Military Commissions Act, and a host of other tools at our disposal? They have enabled us to exploit and subjugate much of the rest of the world, directly or indirectly, economically, politically, and militarily. If you feel inclined to start making serious trouble, just Google up some photos of Abu Ghraib for a glimpse of your future. Otherwise, if you make the smart choice and toe the line, you can revel in an abundance of easy credit, junk food, pornography, pro sports, movies, and a multitude of other hedonistic pleasures which we make readily available.
It has indeed been liberating for those of us who deservedly wield the economic, political, and social power in the US to eviscerate the Magna Carta, the Constitution, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. We've no need of archaic or foreign documents declaring and defining rights for all human beings. My God, man. Habeas corpus and the Bill of Rights have outlived their usefulness. You aging hippies and starry-eyed dreamers crying over their loss need to get over it! Besides, it's painfully obvious we are not all created equal. If that were the case, men wouldn't dominate women, there wouldn't be long-term psychiatric care facilities, people wouldn't choose to sleep in their own urine on the street, and schools wouldn't have to provide for "special needs" children.
Quaint notions of economic justice, equality, and peace have no place in the United States. White Christian men forged a nation from a raw wilderness populated by inferior primitives. We took what we wanted due to our superior intellect and the ends justified our means. We subjugated Africans because they lack the capacity to make their own decisions or take responsibility for their own lives. Look at the disaster they have become since we freed them. Reparations my eye! How about we revoke the Emancipation Proclamation? Black Americans have proven they cannot function on their own.
Rather than making hyperbolic comparisons between the United States and empires or asinine insinuations that we are an on the verge of collapse, why not throw our energies into improving and expanding our already glorious republic?
Allow me to chart a logical course for the perpetuation of our greatness, my fellow Americans:
We've known for years that public education is a Socialist convention. Free rides are for infantilized Western Europeans who spend their pampered lives suckling at the teat of their nanny states like helpless newborns. It's high time we weaned our children. My solution is both simple and pragmatic. Instead of wasting the existing infrastructure by shutting down the system, we simply move the most qualified teachers to the best facilities and start charging tuition to train attendees to become the elite and professionals of our society. Those who cannot afford to attend private institutions can send their children to the decrepit, poorly equipped urban schools where they will receive state-funded training in the rudimentary skills necessary for them to perform menial jobs, serve in the military, shop, and pay taxes. America needs good citizens and enthusiastic consumers to keep it economically and militarily potent.
A spiraling federal deficit? You bet it's a huge problem. Since we can't afford to reduce our sacred commitment to defending the homeland from terrorists, radicals, Islamofascists, illegal Mexicans, Communists, and a bevy of other America-hating savages, all spending on so-called "humanitarian needs" must end. Compassionate conservatism will fill the void. Churches, charities, non-profits, and benevolent corporations are standing ready to nurse-maid those too weak and lazy to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. The Departments of Defense, Treasury, Homeland Security, and Justice. What more do we really need, people?
Milton Friedman and the Chicago Boys had it right. Nettlesome, onerous government regulations and interference have oppressed our corporations long enough. It is high time we freed Adam Smith's invisible hand so it can wrap itself around the throat of those meddlesome leftists, choke the life out of them, and then work its magic in the market. Let our honest and conscientious corporations prove that they are good stewards of the land, eager to create goods and services that are harmonious with their customers' well-being, and motivated to provide their valued employees with ample income to attain an enviable lifestyle.
We are wasting so much valuable time, treasure, and blood in the Middle East. Iraq and Iran have our oil and are threats to our friends in Israel. Afghanistan is strategically necessary for us to control the flow of oil from the Caspian Basin. While I admire Bush's resolve and refusal to cower in the face of criticism, it is high time we simply unleashed tactical nuclear weapons and bunker busters on those Islamic bastards. The world is over-populated as it is. We need a man like Henry Kissinger directing our foreign policy. Realpolitik is the answer here. If we have to inflict some collateral damage to advance our national security, to protect Israel from being "wiped off the map", and to meet our energy needs, that's simply the way the proverbial cookie crumbles.
As for Chavez and his Communistic schemes in Latin America, well, I am not a bit reticent about stating that I agree with Pat Robertson. Chavez and his cronies need to go, one way or another. Apparently someone needs to give those little brown people a painful reminder that we don't tolerate violations of the Monroe Doctrine.
Since we have the Military Commissions Act, I suggest we start using it. We have developed a privatized prison system that is the envy of all those who respect the rule of law. Let's build on that momentum and start cracking down on the terrorists, illegal Chicanos, liberal traitors, homeless freeloaders, gays, unemployed blacks, and subversives in our midst. Our implementation of the death penalty clearly indicates that America is a society that believes that those who commit crimes sacrifice the ultimate human right: the right to life. Why are we encumbering our brave men in uniform and courageous law enforcement personnel by forcing them to respect the "rights" of our enemies and criminals? Wake up, America! Torture is legal now. It is high time to accelerate the process of rounding up those who threaten our way of life. Our course of action is clear. Once enemies of the state are in our custody, we re-educate them by any means necessary, deport them, or simply kill them.
Economic growth, territorial expansion, slave labor performed by inferior races, fighting to expand democracy, advancing the principles of free market economics, faith in God, greed, self-interest, and striving to remain number one at all costs embody the bedrock upon which our remarkable republic has been erected.
Men like Chalmers Johnson would have us uproot the very foundation of the most successful civilization in history in order to spark the genesis of his nightmare Communist vision.
But your prognostications of doom don't scare us, Mr. Johnson.
We are Americans!
We love our nation. America is number one, and we aim to keep it that way!
If you don't like that, Chalmers Johnson, then get the hell out!
Jay Gould III was a CEO for a major defense contractor for ten years. Mr. Gould is a veteran GOP supporter who got his start on the Goldwater campaign. He has made significant financial contributions to a number of think tanks with conservative and libertarian leanings. Please direct comments to firstname.lastname@example.org