It's currently 3 am and I'm living in a tent outside of Kuwait City, on my way to Baghdad, Al Asad airbase and Fallugah and already I've managed to lose all my luggage. Somewhere between here and San Francisco is a black carry-all with a green strap that contains my nightgown, all my unders, a red Berkeley High School T-shirt I stole off my daughter Ashley and my Kevlar flak jacket. Does gossip get much hotter than that? Oh yeah.
"Gossip Girl here." So far I've learned that while most embedded reporters over here live on the same level as the enlisted personnel and the grunts and get humped from Kuwait to Baghdad on troop transports, Rush Limbaugh flew over in style. And the soldiers I've talked with so far are truly PISSED OFF that they've been given the bum's Rush and been called phony soldiers because they don't agree with George Bush. Hell. Who in America DOES agree with George Bush? Why should our military be any different from us? They are our sons and daughters after all. And they are doing a fabulous job over here. Every single one of them is someone we can be proud of. Rush needs to watch his mouth. It's not our troops' fault that Bush and Cheney are still in the White House. That fault is ours.
Anyway, I arrived at Kuwait International Airport and didn't have any orders waiting for me so I almost had to spend the night in a hotel. "How much does it cost for a room?" I asked.
Then Gossip Girl went off to the DFac. The dining facility. The chow hall. Heaven! In order to get enlisted personnel to re-up, the military in Iraq has improved the food over here. And it worked! For instance, look at me. I'm back for more. It's comfort food. It's like coming home.
At the DFac, I picked up a copy of Stars and Stripes, which quoted Ann Coulter -- and failed Gossip Girl wannabe Ann had this to say about so-called phony soldiers: "According to a Military Times survey taken in September 2004, active-duty personnel preferred President [sic] Bush to Kerry by about 73 percent." Yeah, well, that was three years ago. An awful lot has happened since then. There's nothing more embarrassing than stale gossip, Ann.
You want literary hot gossip? Here it is. I'm reading an excellent new mystery thriller by Laurie R, King about a Vietnam vet. It's called called "Keeping Watch" and the scenes from the Vietnam war are just chilling. Did we learn ANYTHING from our mistakes back then? Nope. According to my friend Stewart, "That is the biggest insult possible to us Vietnam vets – that from all of our sacrifices, America learned nothing." Bush and Cheney are now making the same mistakes that Nixon did. Isn't that the definition of insanity? To keep doing the same thing over and over, having it fail, and thinking that the next time it will work?
As soon as I find my lost luggage, I'm gonna take a C-130 to Iraq and dig up even MORE hot gossip but for now let's dish just one last item of dirt. Rumor has it all over the web that Bush and Cheney are planning to blow up Iran! How's THAT for hot gossip. According to the NWO Report, "Russia's Strategic Rocket Forces (a separate branch of Russia's Armed Forces) are reporting to the Kremlin today that Commander Col.-General Nikolai Solovtsov has received an 'urgent' communication from his American counterparts (as per the provisions of the START 1 Strategic Nuclear Arms Control Agreement signed between Russia and the US in 1991) notifying Russian Military Authorities that the United States will, essentially, go to 'full war footing' this weekend." Full war footing? Even Gossip Girl couldn't make something like that up!
But wait. It gets worse! If B&C blow up Iran, the chances are 90 to one that Iran will retaliate, get out all their missiles and blow up all the US military bases in Iraq. Our troops will be sitting targets. Sitting ducks! Our wonderful military over here – 160,000 strong – deserves better than to become B&C's next coniving Ground Zero plot. What should Gossip Girl do? Protect the troops! Throw Bush and Cheney out of the in-group! Stop inviting their sorry arses to the prom. They sent Paris Hilton to jail. Why not Cheney and Bush?
Well, that's all the gossip for now. I'm jet-lagged. I have no luggage. It's 3:30 am here on an unnamed US airbase out in the middle of the freaking desert. You want more hot gossip than this? Go out and make some yourself. "Dear Gossip Girl...."