Now we have nothing to be afraid of ever again. Right? Wrong. Here's my list of the ten top things we will still have to deal with long after Bush's "terrorists" have disappeared off the face of the earth:
1. Without terrorists, global warming will STILL be pushing the waters of San Francisco Bay up over my roof. Category 5 hurricanes will still be forming in the Gulf. Droughts will dry up our water supply, kill our trees and reduce our long, luxurious half-hour showers down to two-minute sponge baths. All of America will smell bad. Hey, that's scary. I'm scared.
2. Without terrorists, we will STILL lose our jobs to outsourcing and the New World Order globalization's wet-dream of Cheap Labor -- now safely contained in the slums of third world countries -- will invade America from shore to shore. Shanty towns in Ohio? Sure.
4. Without terrorists, we will STILL have to deal with gasoline shortages because the jerks who run this country have spent all our money on the "War on Terror" instead of developing alternative energy sources. We will be stuck with no gas and no other means to heat our homes or drive our cars. Back to the "dark" ages for us!
5. Without terrorists, we will STILL be in danger from cancer. All kinds of cancer. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Because EPA standards have been lowered so drastically in the last six years, toxins are hiding in every dark alley -- just like the terrorists used to do.
7. Without terrorists, our kids will STILL be dumb as posts. Why? Because all the money we were spozed to spend on schooling them was spent on the "War on Terror" and on Halliburton and lining Bush's Swiss bank accounts.
8. Without terrorists, we will STILL have election fraud. Eliminating terrorists is NOT going to keep evil men's hands out of our ballot boxes. And the next thing you know, the same jerks who stole the 2000 election and the 2004 election will have us paying for yet another "War on...." and being told how scary [fill in the blank] is and how we are all in mortal danger from [fill in the blank] and that we should all run out and buy DUCT TAPE and stand in line for SIX HOURS in order to take airlines because we need to be TERRIFIED of [fill in the blank]. Without terrorists, our "government" will STILL be corrupt.
9. Without terrorists, we will STILL have to get up each morning and deal with our boring, meaningless lives -- where buying more and more STUFF is supposed to make us happy but doesn't. We watch all those commercials and then spend all our time either buying stuff at the mall or WISHING we could buy stuff at the mall. "Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds." Face it. Without terrorists, we'd STILL be losers. And bored ones at that.
10. Without terrorists, we will STILL have terrorists! This is the irony of it all. You can arrest every terrorist in the world -- and jail or kill everyone who has ever even said HELLO to a terrorist all the way up to six degrees of separation -- and even MORE terrorists will still start springing up.
According to author John Gray in his wonderful book "Children are From Heaven," punishment ALWAYS leads to resistance. And to guerrilla warfare. And to fighting back. This is true of kids. You know kids that lie and steal? That's kiddie guerrilla warfare!And all this is also true for adults. Bombing Fallugah is NEVER gonna make us safe. And it will only create MORE terrorists. And it is expensive. And counterproductive. So why bother....
It's time to suck it up, America. You can't just go around being terrified all the time. It's time to stop sniveling in a corner and get The Right Stuff -- the courage to have principles and STAND for something. Truth. Justice. Freedom. Education. Jobs. Honest Elections. The Ten Commandments. And commercial-free TV!