I personally have written over 350 essays on how America is being reemed by the Bush bureaucrats. The internet CRAWLS with facts and statistics backing up my claims -- yet somehow those gangsters in the White House still manage to convince an all-too-large number of gullible Americans that the Bush Mafia family is wonderful, that America is having no trouble and that anything you hear to the contrary is just spiteful lies made up by us worthless bleeding-heart liberals who are merely jealous of their great success.
Like thousands of us disgruntled liars just sat down and made up all that stuff up about Dubya, Condi, Rummie and Dick -- stuff like the failure to share their knowledge of a possible attack on America in September of 2001, the fiasco in Iraq, the loser economy, the Katrina FEMA disaster, welfare for the rich, vets, children and seniors being treated like sheep dookie, the national parks give-away, the US-occupied Afghanistan record-breaking opium crops, Osama bin Forgotten, Enron, vote fraud and on and on and on? Like we could even CONCEIVE of all that ineptness and corruption. Like even Michael Moore could dream all that stuff up?
Hey, didn't that Arctic oil supply that I just saw being hauled away in the back of Dickie's pick-up truck used to belong to us? Isn't that OUR army that just got sold for pennies on the dollar to Rummie? Didn't WE used to own Fort Knox?
Or the Bush bureaucracy might be destroying our country simply for the power it gives them. Knowing them, that would make perfect sense -- that they would rather be kings of a devastated America than preside over a thriving republic where "just a piece of paper" like the Constitution ties their hands.
For those of you who are just tuning in to "The Bizarre Adventures of Jordan," here is the gist of the story so far: Immediately after Jordan and his brother Nathan were adopted, their new mom was forced give up being a drunk when her liver failed. Then the father went into anger management meltdown and started hitting the kids. Then the parents filed for divorce. THEN they reconciled. Then the boys were shipped off to some boarding school for abused children that was run by a child abuser too. Then when the boys came home from that, Nathan tried to protect Jordan and as a result spent the next four years trudging through the brat camps of Utah, California and Colorado. And all this time, the parents called the cops on their kids like they considered the police to be their own personal "Nanny 911".
So here's the latest episode. And trust me, this one does not disappoint!
When we last left young Jordan, he had just run away from his "behavior modification program" in Montana, went back to his parents' home on Wisteria Lane, got thrown out into the street by said parents and came to stay with us. I bet you are thinking, "Now that Jane's in a postition to help, this soap opera is finally going to have a happy ending," right?
After five happy months of staying at our house, Jordan moved back in with his cop-calling, brat-camp-addicted, dysfunctional parents. Why? It seems that young Jordan had also become addicted to living in a soap opera and, frankly, life with us was too calm.
Since Jordan went back to his parents' house, he's been in hog heaven. The police have visited there four different times. The emergency mobile mental health crisis unit has been there twice. The child protective services have done an in-depth study of this normal middle-class American family. There have also been visits from a social worker, two sets of lawyers and a shrink. The household is like a big circus. The brother cusses. The father rages. The mother sobs.
Jordan feels right at home.
But wait. It gets even better. When our Nathan -- after four years in brat camps, this kid hasn't a CLUE about how to behave -- took the family car to go see his girlfriend, the father called the cops and Nathan ended up spending Thanksgiving in juvenile hall. So. There's Nathan, back home with the toxic combination of his volatile parents and an electronic monitoring device keeping him on Wisteria Lane 24/7 -- a toxic combination guaranteed to create havoc. And it did. Nathan got into an argument with the mom and she BIT him.
I swear. This stuff actually happened. I did NOT steal this plot off an episode of "Desperate Housewives" -- or even a White House press conference!