A Letter to Senator Clinton
Dear Senator Clinton:
I am writing this letter to you as a concerned citizen and as someone who has admired you immensely over the years. I remember how optimistic I was when you and Bill were elected to the White House. As the First Lady, you carried the hopes of millions with you to Washington as you promised a plan to provide healthcare for every citizen. Obviously it was a tougher problem to fix than you imagined while living in Arkansas.
We were all disappointed when you unveiled the blue print and it was revealed to be a colossal flop. I have never understood why you didn't go back to the drawing board and work on the plan until you could bring a workable proposition to the table. You had eight years and the most brilliant minds in the nation available to help you figure it out. You and Bill are both masters of political compromise, so why did you let it slide and never bring it up again? I know you and the President were distracted with relentless investigations and allegations that hindered your focus, but it seems like you could have kept that concern alive.
You may have squandered the best opportunity our nation ever had for comprehensive healthcare reform. The national economy grew more during your two terms in the White House than in any other time in American history. We actually had budget surpluses that could have been directed toward healthcare instead of being left over for Bush to give away in rebates. Now he has slashed the tax base and we are sinking in an ocean of red ink funding an unnecessary war you have supported.
Hillary, what have you proposed to the Senate as a solution to the acute healthcare problems we face as a nation? Maybe you feel the magnitude and complexity of this problem is too overwhelming for you to address. Perhaps your life has grown so insular that you are not cognizant of a growing list of health concerns affecting millions of American lives. Therefore, I am going to share with you what some of these afflictions are and offer some prescriptive suggestions as to how you might help resolve them.
You are apparently unaware of the millions of liberals and moderates scattered across America who report symptoms of panic and nausea every time your name is mentioned as the front- runner for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. They all know you would probably make a terrific President and they don't hate you like the conservatives you have been courting. They simply know you cannot win. Will you please show some mercy and announce you will not run under any circumstances? One press conference and multitudes of fellow Democrats could be healed of this embarrassing affliction. Do not wait. Do it today. This one selfless act by you would be a major step toward recovery for a political party suffering from these symptoms and other phobic illnesses.
Senator, my concerns go beyond the effects your potential presidential candidacy is having on the health of your party. I am concerned for the health of our nation. Our democracy will be on life support if it survives Bush's second term. It is imperative for the Democrats to hold the Congress and gain the White House in 2008. God forbid Condoleeza Rice or Jeb Bush wind up there to preside over the demise of America. So please give up the illusion of being able to carry the extreme majority of voters required to beat crooked voting machines in a close race with any formidable opponent from the Republicans.
I am also concerned about the mental health of you and Bill. Have you noticed the beginning symptoms of neurological degeneration in your husband? Are you not alarmed that he has been spotted on numerous occasions hanging out with the former President Bush? Bill reportedly mumbled something about "tsunami" damage on our Gulf coast in one of their Katrina related press conferences. Either of these two symptoms alone should be enough to provoke you to find treatment for him. I think he needs you.
Hillary, I will now call upon my uncanny intuitive gift to diagnose what I perceive to be your deeply hidden mental health malady. You hear voices don't you? They tell you to do and say things that are out of character with who you really are and truly want to be. Are you shocked that I know this? I am not really psychic. I have simply used my deductive reasoning skills to draw this conclusion.
There is no other feasible explanation for why you would co-sponsor the anti-flag burning amendment and why you took such a hawkish position on this insane war. Are the voices now telling you to support President Bush's proposal for a troop increase?
Those voices are counseling you to chronically straddle the fence, which in turn can lead to a whole array of other uncomfortable and unmentionable health problems.
Do not despair. You can be healed of this nightmarish condition. All you have to do is fire your political advisors. Call them into the office and drop kick the whole lot of them. Those distracting voices will then be gone. Wake up girl! They are giving you bad advice. Do it today and then call the press conference I prescribed earlier to announce your non-candidacy for 2008.
The next step I am prescribing is a relaxing sabbatical. Go find a warm beach where you can decompress, heal, and reacquaint yourself with who you really are and what you really stand for. The future health of our nation is arguably hanging on what you decide to do.