"Let's face it," said Pipsqueak. "We had to dig pretty deep to find a justification in the Bible to ruin other people's lives and squeeze cash out of a contributor base of mostly unemployed losers. About the only thing our supporters have to give is their labor and we can only take that to the bank if we sell their votes to the GOP."
Pipsqueak says over 4,685 conservative religious groups with a total membership of 4,685 decided to disband their Marriage Amendment Project when recent polls showed that only one-tenth of one percent of gays want to get married.
"Frankly many of them see marriage as dead-end boredom troubled with alcoholism, unfaithfulness and divorce," said Pipsqueak. "I'm not so sure we shouldn't make them get married and suffer along with the rest of us."
The decision was not unanimous. Patrick Malarkey, of the Christian Homophobia Coalition, organized protests at the meeting in Houston against the abandonment of what he described as a lifelong dream.
Malarkey described repeated confessions of close friends and family members who came to him declaring their love for men and asking his help in fulfilling their innermost desires. Such experiences, Malarkey insisted, prove that we need to put homosexuality back in the closet.
The meeting made its decision after being addressed by Ricky Warden, author of The Profit-driven Life: How To Make a Buck Off Desperate Losers Who Have Little Hope and Even Less Intelligence, the best-selling Christian book in Warden, Arkansas. Warden spoke after a luncheon of chemical-laden lunchmeat, soft air bread, salty chips and 15-gallon bottles of Coke, provided by the local Council of Conservative White Citizens.
"Without the 10 Commandments we cannot teach our kids about coveting their neighbor's wife," Warden said. "How on earth do we teach duplicity and hypocrisy, values absolutely needed today, if we don't teach the basic Commandments? These values are at the very foundation of American life and the human pecking order."
Dr. Jimmy Dopeson, leader of Focus on the Family and author of Hypocrisy Under Fire: Teaching Our Children Obesity, expects SICK to raise $576 billion from Americans who hate the French for not attacking Iraq in the Crusades in the Middle East. Dopeson, who tells 200 people how to live their lives on his daily radio program, attacked the French "lifestyle" for its wine drinking, sexuality and emphasis on loving rather than working.
"The French gave us the Statue of Liberty but we don't need it anymore," said Dopeson. "We need rigidity and sexual repression and a cultural war."
President Bush agreed to sponsor an amendment that would allow churches to destroy City Halls and replace them with 10 Commandments edifices. In a pre-recorded tape, he called Frenchness a "disease"
that could sap America's will to dominate the world.
"We live in a free society where people do what they are told," Bush said. "Freedom is great as long and we will tolerante minorities who fillerduster people of faith. It's inopportune that we do that. We need more moral decrepitude and fornicational devotion."
Don Monkerud writes satire and op eds from Aptos, California.