Send a Tweet
Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 8 Share on Twitter Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
OpEdNews Op Eds   

This Just In - Sperm Have Rights

By       (Page 1 of 2 pages)   No comments
Follow Me on Twitter     Message Bob Burnett
Become a Fan
  (23 fans)
November 4, 2005 (Associated Press) Sperm have Rights. Christian leaders of the Coalition to Protect the Unborn declared today that not only do fetuses have rights, but so do spermatozoa. “Sperm are potential human beings,” announced Bishop Roderick Prudehomme. “They must be saved.”

November 9, 2005 (CBN) Jesus Blessed Sperm. TV evangelist Pat Robertson professed that when Jesus blessed “the little ones,” he included sperm. “Think of male gametes as billions of potential Christians,” said Robertson adding, “Every sperm is sacred.”

November 21, 2005 (Reuters) Congressman Vows Sperm Protection. Congressman Sonny “Bubba” Bumpers (R-KS) today launched a political movement to protect sperm. “All true Americans know, that we have the finest sperm in the world,” Bumpers declared. “It’s criminal that much of our sperm is wasted. I will lead a Christian movement to ensure that the rights of sperm are not trampled by the liberal, cultural elite.”

November 29, 2005 (Fox News) O’Reilly Challenges GOP on Sperm.
Commentator Bill O’Reilly observed that if Republicans were really the Party of moral values they would champion the rights of sperm.

December 1, 2005 (Limbaugh Radio Network) Democrats Hate Sperm. Rush Limbaugh said that the Democrats’ cavalier attitude about sperm revealed that they are “the Party of Death.” “Bill Clinton didn’t care about the millions of sperm on Monica’s dress,” Limbaugh noted.

December 15, 2005 (Washington Post) Rove Links 9/11, Sperm. Speaking to the American Heritage Foundation, Presidential adviser Karl Rove unveiled a new GOP theme. “Democrats can’t protect sperm, how can they protect America?” Rove noted. “They’re soft on terrorism, and soft on sperm.”

January 9, 2006 (Associated Press) GOP Leaders Meet on Sperm. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) conferred with the Coalition to Protect the Unborn. “We expect to fast track legislation to protect the rights of Sperm,” Frist stated. “The Republican Party will leave no sperm behind,” Hastert added.

January 16, 2006 (Reuters) 2008 Dem Candidates Weigh-in on Sperm. Appearing before the Democratic National Committee, candidates for the 2008 presidential nomination voiced their position on Sperm Rights. “The death of every sperm is a tragedy for all concerned,” said Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY). “My position on sperm is well established, as anyone who has read my Senate record can attest,” stated Senator John Kerry (D-MA). “Sperm motility is affected by global climate change,” noted former VP Al Gore.

January 25, 2006 (Associated Press) Kill a Sperm, Go to Jail. Congressman Sonny “Bubba” Bumpers (R-KS) announced that when the House reconvenes, he will introduce legislation to make it a Federal crime to kill a spermatozoa, or cause another to do so over the Internet. “It’s time America wakes up to sperm abuse,” Bumpers declared.

January 30, 2006 ((CBN) Robertson Announces Million-Sperm March. TV evangelist Pat Robertson promised to lead millions of Conservative Christians on a march on Washington, D.C. “We’ll surround the Capitol and stay there until Congress enacts legislation to save sperm.”

February 6, 2006 (NY Times) Bush Pro-Sperm. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan noted that George W. Bush has always supported sperm rights. He called attention to Bush’s State-of-the-Union address, “Human life is a gift from our Creator -- and that gift should never be discarded.”

February 13, 2006 (Fox News) O’Reilly has Sperm Bank. Bill O’Reilly revealed that he saves his sperm in a specially designed repository.

February 20, 2005 (Limbaugh Radio Network) Limbaugh claims Largest Sperm Bank. Boasting of the largest sperm bank in the nation, Rush Limbaugh noted he has been saving sperm for twenty years, making a donation after each of his shows.

February 22, 2006 (NY Times) White House has Sperm Bank. Responding to a question from veteran reporter Helen Thomas, Press Secretary Scott McClellan revealed that the President tasked Dick Cheney to establish a White House sperm bank at an undisclosed location.

February 26, 2006 (Associate Press) Cheney Injures GOP Donor. Administration sources revealed that Dick Cheney inadvertently injured a major GOP contributor in an accident at a secret White House “command center.” According to an informed source, Cheney “misfired while making a deposit.”

March 1, 2006 (Washington Post) Insiders Make Millions from White House Sperm Bank. Post reporter Bob Woodward gave a Federal Grand Jury information he had received about abuses at the White House sperm bank.

March 8, 2006 (NY Times)Federal Prosecutor to Hand Down Sperm Bank Indictments. Anonymous sources told the Times that the White House expects that a Federal Prosecutor will indict top Administration officials for alleged abuses in the White House sperm bank program.

Next Page  1  |  2

(Note: You can view every article as one long page if you sign up as an Advocate Member, or higher).

Rate It | View Ratings

Bob Burnett Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

Bob Burnett is a Berkeley writer. In a previous life he was one of the executive founders of Cisco Systems.
Related Topic(s): , Add Tags
Add to My Group(s)
Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Writers Guidelines

Contact AuthorContact Author Contact EditorContact Editor Author PageView Authors' Articles
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
   (Opens new browser window)

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Ten Telltale Signs of Republican Disease

Big Liars and The Voters Who Love Them

Obama vs. Romney: The Bottom Line

The GOP Chooses Fascism

2011 Budget Battle: Obama Wins While Democrats Lose

Obama vs. Romney: The Popularity Contest

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend