"Everything changed on 9/11," said the President. "The American people join me in thanking Congress for finally having the wisdom and patriotism to recognize this changed situation in the country and the world. Although these legislators have served our nation well over the years, now all that bickering, partisan sniping, and obstructionism blocking my programs are gone.
A joint statement from Republican and Democratic leaders in both branches of Congress was issued late last night: "It appears that the Executive Branch has made the Legislative branch redundant, by outsourcing our law-making functions to itself. They are deciding which laws to obey, and have the Justice Department and the courts under their control. So, rather than waste taxpayers money in spinning our wheels, we're simply going out of business."
Most members said they have been offered lucrative contracts by lobbying organizations, to use their access to contacts in the White House and the military services. Others said they would be going to work for the expanded Pentagon and Homeland Security Department, which today announced that they would be taking over the functions of the Department of State and all the intelligence agencies.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said one of his first priorities will be to re-organize Amtrak as a "national security asset" and "make sure that the trains run on time."
The new Secretary of Education, Rev. Pat Robertson, announced that a national history and civics curriculum would be written by Under Secretaries Bill Bennett and Lynn Cheney, and the Biology Curriculum by Rev. Jerry Falwell and James Dobson.
ALWAYS "WITHIN THE LAW"
As for the Judicial Branch, Coulter said: "Now that the Congress is no longer an impediment in getting patriotic judges onto the Supreme Court, we would anticipate that the Judiciary will remain in business to validate the decisions taken by President Bush. Citizens should feel comforted that therefore our Administration will always be seen as working 'within the law.' But should the Judiciary attempt to interfere with the orderly workings of this administration, we will re-evaluate its role and function."
Not all members of the House and Senate went quietly into new establishment jobs or retirement. Several Senators and Representatives, mainly Democrats and a few moderate Republicans, said they would move to the Western Coastal states (California, Oregon and Washington), or to the Northeast region (Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont), where they will work for referenda on the possibility of joint secession.
Reportedly, the Bush Administration, which has nullified the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, thus permitting President Bush to continue to serve in perpetuity, has said it has no problem with the attempts of the "traitorous regions" to sever themselves from the "patriotic mainstream" of America.
"They are doing this to gain attention for their demands for more inclusion in policy-making. But surely they realize that if they do leave the United States, that would make them foreign countries, and thus potential recipients of our shock & awe policies," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "I don't think they're going anywhere. They'll come around -- or will devoutly wish that they had."
SEND THESE KIDS TO CAMP
We attempted for this story to contact various anti-Bush activists and progressive website editors, to get their reactions to the extraordinary political events of the past few days, but all our inquiries were forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Robert Novak, press secretary for the Department's newly-created Security Services, which was set up to deal with "recalcitrants" and "malcontents," said all those we inquired about were "unavailable for comment."
Other sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, report that under the leadership of Richard Perle thousands have been moved to "re-education" camps in the Nevada desert, Northern Alaska oil refuge and other undisclosed locations, or were "rendered" to special camps in allied countries. (Note: Novak said the S.S. wants to make clear that these "malcontents" will not be sent to the "relocation centers reserved for homosexuals, winners of National Endowment for the Arts grants, and other deviants.")