6:00 p.m. - Opening Constitution Burning Ceremony.
6:05 p.m. - Opening Prayers by the Rev. Jerry Falwell and Paris Hilton.
6:10 p.m. - Religious Right Panel Discussion Led by the Rev. Jim Baker (Topic: "Do Ministers Do More Than Lay People?").
6:30 p.m. - Anti-Peace Concert by Nancy Sinatra and her Hell's Angels Posse.
6:40 p.m. - Dick Cheney Proposes a Toast to Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff.
7:00 p.m. - Tribute Theme to the Largest George W. Bush Campaign Contributor - the Late, Great Kenneth Lay of Enron.
7:10 p.m. - Collect Offerings from the American Taxpayer for Exxon/Mobil and Halliburton.
7:25 p.m. - Tribute Theme to Nuclear Pakistan (New Home of Osama bin Laden).
7:45 p.m. - Anti-Peace Rally (Moderated by "You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have..." Donald Rumsfeld).
8:25 p.m. - Dick Cheney Proposes a Toast.
8:30 p.m. - Torture Workshop.
9:00 p.m. - Gay Marriage Bashing Ceremony (during which Dick Cheney's daughter Mary will be conspicuously absent).
9:30.p.m. - * Intermission *
10:00.p.m. - Posting of the Iraqi Colors and the Presentation of a Plastic Photo-Op Turkey to Our Troops.
10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Bush Flying F-102's Under the Influence Prior to Going AWOL from the National Guard.
10:20.p.m. - Cameo by George yelling "Bring it on!" and "Mission Accomplished!''
10:30 p.m. - Stem Cell Research Demonstration by Everyone's Favorite Prescription-Drug Addict Rush Limbaugh
10:40 p.m. - Dick Cheney Proposes a Toast.
10:50 p.m. - Pledge of Allegiance to King George and Corporate American CEOs.
11:00 p.m. - Illegal Wiretapping Workshop.
11:15 p.m. - Maximizing Corporate Wealth Workshop.
11:30 p.m. - 'Free Saddam's Oil' Pep Rally.
11:59 p.m. - Dick Cheney Proposes a Toast.
12:00 p.m. - Nomination of Republican Candidate.
(Any chance we could get Dick Cheney to go quail hunting with George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld after the convention?)
