"But Jane," said my friend Melinda, "You can grow stuff too. I just heard about a new plant food that will revolutionize plant growth and the growing season. August Franklin developed it and it provides a full spectrum of minerals that plants used to have access to but that are now stripped out of the soil by our current methods of growing and harvesting crops. After five years of testing -- with astonishing results including growing strawberries in Maine in October and helping with the ongoing reforestation of Haiti -- Franklin is going to sell his formula to the general public. It's called Wow! And I want you to experiment with it and write about it."
"But even though we grow the plant and it's legal, we still can't ingest it because we don't know how to brew the tea or how big the dose should be. There are actually two plants that go into brewing ayahuasua and you use the vines from the one and the leaves from the other. I grow both plants here -- but I'm not exactly sure what the correct ratio should be." Is anyone out there a medicine man from the Amazon who knows how to brew this stuff up? If you do, then e-mail me, okay?
"And over here we have a Mexican dream plant. It makes a very bitter tea but if you can force it down, it allows you to remember all your dreams -- and in Technicolor too." I wanna remember all my dreams. Sign me up!
"But what kind of dreams will I have?" I asked. "Good ones? Bad ones? And what if I have a nightmare?"
"And this dream-producing plant over here will supply you with a guide to help you through your dreams. And you can ask the guide questions. I asked my guide what to do about a certain person that I was having trouble with in my life and he replied, 'This person is like an invisible revolving door.' And that answer made the situation very clear -- that I could never get everything straight between me and this person no matter how hard I tried and so I'd better just cut my losses while I still could." That's deep.
So tonight I'm going to try some of the dream tea. How will it go? Please stay tuned.
3 pm: The plant doctor also told me that in Vallarta you can walk into almost any pharmacy here and buy mind-altering drugs without a prescription. Then we discussed the merits of anti-depressants and their ilk such as Wellbutrin, which Dr. Gary Kohls describes as being just a legalized pharmaceutical-grade version of Speed. "Wellbutrin is a dangerous, potentially-addicting amphetamine, so naturally people who take it will feel energized (ie, falsely 'high') at first because it 'gooses' their dopamine and norepinephrine (only temporarily, of course) and then depletes those natural neurotransmitters just like most of the synthetic, neurotoxic so-called antidepressants do." But you can get these types of drugs right over the counter here in Puerto Vallarta. Shhh. Don't tell that to all those poor misinformed teenagers in the US who are prescribed anti-depressants and then go shoot up their schools and their malls.
Then I walked down through the non-tourist part of Vallarta. "If you go up this street half a block," said my host, "the cobblestones end and you are on a dirt road in a village like one you would find anywhere else in Mexico." Interesting. I'll save that treat for tomorrow. But on my way down to the main tourist beach, I passed by a whole bunch of wonderful little shops, small family restaurants and street vendors that did not cater to the tourists.
OMG! There's an Optica! An eye doctor. A glasses store!
I love glasses -- glasses as accessories. I have 18 pairs of them -- including some wire frames left over from the 1960s and those gigantic frames they used to have in the 1970s that now only our grandmothers wear. This optica carried a Buddy-Holly-type frame design, only in white. I was tempted... But no. I'm on a mission. I gotta go find my daughter Ashley a soccer shirt. I promised her.
Maybe I shouldn't fool around with any of those weird dream drugs. Do I really have enough of a brain left to waste it like that? Probably not.
But then I started rationalizing. "What if I was able to use my new powers for good? What if I asked the dream guide to help me find some way to help all those poor Iraq war vets to get over their nightmares?"