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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 1/22/20

World War III

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Republished from the Consent Factory

DISCLAIMER: The following essay is entirely the work satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns.


World War
World War
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So, 2020 is off to an exciting start. It's barely the middle of January, and we've already made it through World War III, which was slightly less apocalyptic than expected. Forensic teams are still sifting through the ashes, but preliminary reports suggest that the global capitalist empire has emerged from the carnage largely intact.

It started in the Middle East, of course, when Donald Trump (a "Russian-asset") ordered the murder of Iranian general Qasem Soleimani outside the Baghdad Airport, presumably after clearing it with Putin, which, given Iran and Russia's relationship, doesn't really make much sense.

But whatever. According to the U.S. government and the corporate media, Soleimani was a "terrorist," who had been working with Assad (another "terrorist") to destroy ISIS (who are also "terrorists") and elements of Al-Qaeda (who used to be "terrorists") with the support of the Russians (who are kind of "terrorists") and doing all sorts of other unspecified but allegedly imminent "terrorist" things.

Apparently, Soleimani had flown to Baghdad on a secret commercial "terrorist" flight and was on his way to some kind of covert "terrorist" diplomatic meeting to respond to a de-escalation proposal from Saudi Arabia (who are definitely not "terrorists") when the U.S. military preventatively murdered him with a General Atomics Aeronautical Systems MQ-9B Reaper drone.

Iran (officially a "terrorist" country since January 1979, when they overthrew the brutal Western puppet that the CIA and MI6 had installed as their "Shah" in 1953, after they regime-changed the Iranian prime minister, after he nationalized the Anglo-Persian Oil Company, later to be known as British Petroleum) reacted to the preventative murder of their "terrorist" general like a bunch of "terrorists."

The Ayatollah Khamenei (you guessed it, a "terrorist") issued a series of "terrorist" threats against the 50,000 U.S. military personnel more or less completely surrounding his country on bases all across the Middle East. Millions of Iranians (currently "terrorists," except for members of MeK), who, according to the U.S. officials, hated Soleimani, took to the streets of Tehran and other cities to mourn his death, burn American flags, and chant "death to America" and other "terrorist" slogans.

The empire went to DEFCON 1. The 82nd Airborne was activated. The State Department advised Americans vacationing in Iraq to get the hell out of there. #worldwar3 started trending on Twitter.

Freedom-loving countries throughout the region stood by to be annihilated. Saudi Arabia postponed its previously scheduled weekend edition of public head-chopping. Israel dialed up its non-existent nukes. The Kuwaitis posted armed guards on their incubators. The Qataris, Bahrainians, United Arab Emiratis, and other loyal empire outposts did whatever those folks do when they're facing nuclear Armageddon.

In the U.S.A., it was mass hysteria. The corporate media starting pumping out stories about Soleimani having "blood on his hands," and being "the number one terrorist in the world," and having ruthlessly genocided hundreds of American soldiers, who, back in 2003, had preventatively invaded and destroyed Iraq and were preventatively slaughtering and torturing its people to keep them from attacking America with their non-existent WMDs.

Americans (most of whom had never even heard of Soleimani until their government murdered him, and many of whom can't find Iran on a map) took to Twitter to call for the immediate nuking of Iran from orbit. Mayor Bill de Blasio ordered a division of heavily-armed anti-"terror" forces to stand around in New York City with their rifles in the classic "sling-ready" position to prevent the Iranians from swimming the Atlantic (along with their communist killer dolphins), crawling up onto East Hampton Beach, taking the LIRR into town, and committing some devastating "terrorist" atrocity that would be commemorated throughout eternity on key rings, T-shirts, and jumbo coffee mugs.

Trump, disciplined Russian agent that he is, held his nerve and maintained his cover, performing his "total moron" act as only a seasoned Russian operative can. While Iran was still mourning, he started publicly jabbering about Soleimani's dismembered corpse, bombing Iranian cultural sites, and otherwise bombastically taunting Iran like an emotionally-challenged street-corner drunk. His strategy was clearly to convince the Iranians (and the rest of the world) that he is a dangerous imbecile who will murder the officials of any foreign government that Mike Pompeo tells him to, and then incinerate their museums and mosques, and presumably the rest of their "shithole" countries, if they even think about retaliating.

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***DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins' work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page  (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to  (more...)
 
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