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Life Arts

Why I Hate My Health Club

By       Message John Blumenthal     Permalink

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View Ratings | Rate It Headlined to H4 12/17/09

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The Stairmaster stairs don't lead anywhere. If they did, I'd take an elevator.

To make the weights work, you're supposed to lift them.

When I get on a bike, I expect to go somewhere.

Ugly, flabby old guys walk around the locker rooms as if they have something to be proud of.

They don't sell Twinkies in the club restaurant.

The noises women make when they lift weights reminds me of sex

I'll never have sex with the women who make those noises

They have too many mirrors so you can't avoid looking at yourself.

I'm afraid of getting a hernia

Most of the women can beat me in arm wrestling and none of them wants to play Scrabble

The TV channels are always turned to Fox News

Treadmills make more sense if hamsters are on them.

I look ridiculous in sleeveless T-shirts.

I always seem to end up with a used towel.

They don't allow you to wear blue jeans.

I always forget my locker combination.

Taking showers with other naked guys reminds me too much of an organization I've been trying to avoid all my life - the military.

I get the feeling people are laughing at me behind my back.

Since I can't figure out the digital controls on a treadmill, getting off is more like being launched

Even if I get buff and healthy, there's no guarantee that I won't get hit by a truck on my way home.

If you don't go at least 3 times a week, your muscles get flabby. Mine are already flabby, so what's the point?

Who knows what kind of germs are prospering on the weight machine handles?

The guy spotting me always seems to be having a long conversation with a woman who thinks he's intellectually stimulating.

Physically fit people think they'll always be healthy because they work out. Cancer doesn't give a damn.

Heavy breathing should be reserved exclusively for sex.

Lying on your back on a huge colorful ball looks ridiculous

Yoga is pointless.

People who work out five days a week because it keeps them in a happy mood should take Prozac instead.

Everybody else there seems to know each other, which makes me feel like I just transferred to another high school.

If my forearms get too massive, I'd have to buy another watch.


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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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