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Where is Mitt Romney Hiding?

By       Message John Blumenthal     Permalink
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Huckabee is finished. Jindal is gone. Sanford is out of the picture. Palin is on the path to self-destruction. So who's left for 2012? Mitt Romney. But aside from his daily six-hour session with his hairdresser, where is Mitt hiding?

Sensibly, Mitt is keeping his distance from the lunatic fringe. He's not saying anything controversial. Once in a while, he'll bloviate pap to an adoring audience, but he is so far below the radar that Rush hasn't even noticed him, which is how Mitt wants to keep things.

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Mitt's exposure to the world is a website called "Free & Strong America PAC," which he set up for raising money. (Probably not for the Special Olympics)

Of course, he's writing a book about his Republican philosophy. (Title: "The Audacity of Nope.")

He also issued a benign statement about Sarah Palin's decision to vacate her governor's chair. ("Alaska has lost a fine statesperson. Now, Putin will have no one to wave at.")

When asked about his plans for 2012, Mitt is coy. (Duh.)

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But what does Mitt actually do everyday while he's lying low? His Facebook Page may provide some clues:

In his own words, he's, "spending time with family -- especially grandchildren, running, reading, skiing, horseback riding with my wife, waterskiing, and watching movies."

(Ummm, mentioning "horseback riding" is a big mistake, Mitt. Makes you come off as elitist. I'd change that to something the yahoos can compute, like watching NASCAR.)

"Besides my family, I have great interest in strengthening this nation and our economy. Fixing our failing schools so we can better compete with emerging Asia and making health care more affordable through free market reforms. And, most importantly, winning the war against the jihadists to ensure that Americans are kept safe."

(Yawn. Been there, heard that. Which war against the jihadists would that be, Mitt? The unwinnable one in Afghanistan or the imaginary one? And what does "emerging Asia" mean? Asia is not under water.)

Mitt is also spending time listening to music. Some of his favorites are Roy Orbison, The Beatles, The Eagles, The Kingston Trio, Alan Jackson, Toby Keith, Brooks & Dunn, GeorgeStrait, Clint Black, and GarthBrooks.

(The Kingston Trio? Are you kidding me, Mitt? Is this 1962? You forgot to mention The Christy Minstrels and Captain and Tennille Somehow I had you pegged for a Mahler buff.)

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Mitt is also spending time bragging. Here are some immodest excerpts from his bio:

"In 1984, I founded Bain Capital, a venture capital firm that has launched hundreds of companies on a successful course, including Staples, Domino's Pizza, and The Sports Authority."

(Domino's Pizza? That's your idea of doing a lot for healthcare? You're creating cheese-sucking, pepperoni-munching fat people, Mitt. Congratulations. And Staples? The service sucks and they're always out of pens and paper. That's not going to win you any votes, Mitt. And what if one of your aides needs a clipboard?)

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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