What Biden Can Do Without Congress (But Won't)

I think we can all agree that Congress is basically a pit filled with hungry crocodiles in the later stages of lead poisoning, each with a different degree of dementia. (And I know that's being generous in terms of their mental acuity).

So, whenever a president -- let's pretend this is a fantasy world where the president isn't a few bricks short of a load -- whenever a president wants to get something done, he writes up what he wants and then drops the pages into the idiot crocodile pit.

But what if I told you there were myriad things President Joe Biden can do without ever getting near the crocodile pit? And in fact, President Donald Trump perpetrated every manner of hideousness without congressional approval?

Below are the Top 10 executive orders Joe Biden could sign, benefiting all Americans...even without help from the intellectually impoverished crocodiles.

The American Prospect has published numerous articles on these possible executive actions. I'm not going to focus on whether Biden will do these things (he won't), but let's give him the benefit of the doubt (he won't do them) since he hasn't even settled into the office yet (he totally won't do any of this) and no one can know for sure what he'll choose to do (not a chance). Maybe he'll be awesome! (Nope.)

1. Joe Biden could start by protecting all immigrants.

Immigrants are some of the people struggling the most during this pandemic. There's a provision in our laws called Temporary Protected Status, which allows an immigrant to stay here without fear of deportation, and considering how they've been treated over the past four years, I think they could use a break. Can we please give them a second to catch their breath before the next round of good ol' American xenophobic bigoted hatred towards people who are even slightly different? (Hell, if you just have a different haircut we might put you in a cage and give your kids away to a group of Guatemalan paramilitary drug runners.)

As Marcia Brown writes "[Temporary Protected Status] is a blanket protection offered to a country's nationals who have experienced a natural disaster such as hurricane or earthquake, civil war, or other extraordinary circumstances."

Hmmm, a natural disaster you say? Oh, they mean like a f*cking pandemic. Between the pandemic, U.S. bombing overseas, U.S. economic sanctions, climate change, and auto-tune pretty much every country in the world right now is experiencing some kind of disaster. "Except Finland. (But they weren't immigrating here anyway. You don't hear a lot of Finnish people saying, "Is there a place I can move to where I could pay tens of thousands of dollars for healthcare, pay way more for education, and if I have a baby, be forced to strap it to my chest while I continue to load Chicken McNugget goo into the meat squirter because there's no maternity leave? There IS such a magical land?!")

Point is - Joe Biden could give Temporary Protected Status to every immigrant in the country immediately without congressional approval.

2. Next up, Biden could end the War on Terror.

So Biden, all by himself, could end the War on Terror. Afterall, this "war" (against an emotion) made no sense from the beginning, and it has killed millions, made America less secure by making us despised worldwide, and has always been unconstitutional.

So, the most law-abiding, sweet, kindly, heroic thing Mr. Biden could do is end this evil, villainous, dastardly, dark, depraved, morally repulsive, vulgar, nefarious, malignant, malicious, poisonous, and poopy ENDLESS WAR! "Not that I have an opinion either way. Just an idea.

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