The Welcoming Address To The 112th Congressional Educational Convention
Welcome, all of you, to the 112th Congressional Convention. We hope that your journey to Washington has been a rewarding and exciting adventure. We will make every effort to accommodate your every wish and desire and hope your stay in Washington for the next two years is successful and profitable We hope that you will be able to look back on this event as the springboard into the new and amazing world of wealth and power. For the world is now your oyster, and we hope to educate everyone in the fine art of shucking the shells from the pearls.
Today we begin with introducing the freshmen of the new Congress to the senior members whom have spent long careers in establishing and defining what it means to be a Congressman in America, a rising-star of cronyism and next class of American billionaires. The senior member of Congress will be at your disposal to answer any questions you may have, and we would like you to consider them as your benefactors and mentors, as you learn to weave your way through the learning process of initiating pork-barrel legislation, doing favors for your friends back home and avoiding any entanglement into ethics violations.
To start things off, I ask that the freshmen members, those new to Washington, sort themselves into several different groups, according to your political reputations, up- to this point. Over here on the right, please gather all of ye who have become known as Aggressors and Dominators. Next to them, on the left, please, lets have all the Defeatist & Clowns congregate. Come on now, ... you know who you are ..... Then to their left, please gather all the Rock-Stars and the Ax-Grinders. And our last group, the Story-Tellers, please gather with the Obstructionist over in this area.
Good ... thank you.
Now if we could have the senior members of Congress join in with the appropriate groups, we can get things rolling with the complimentary cocktail reception. Mingling and chit-chatting is encouraged as we get to know each other, and share interesting stories of our past and suggest how you intend to avid prosecution and keep yourselves out of jail, and off the tabloid pages of Washington's leading newspapers.
Unfortunately, our featured guest key-note speaker on the subject, Tom DeLay will not be able to join us this evening, as he has had an unscheduled change in plans.
Before I forget it ...Let me mention
This is all a part of the renowned Freshman Congressional Ritual. The members of Yale's Skull & Bones Society, will be meeting later on Tuesday evening, in the Dungeon-and-Dragons Conference Room after midnight to share their sorted stories and rights of passage, their fictional adventures, and exchange tales of their sexual conquests. Please remember that the golf-tournament begins sharply at noon Wednesday morning, so don't hang out too late. And all are expected to partake, and new this year, the freshmen congressmen get extra mulligans to be used as you feel needed.. There is a special packet in your welcoming-kits filled with gold-tees and a cashmere ball towel. Mr. Boehmer has generously added his own special blend of sun-block to each packet. The two new members who chose not to be at the swearing-in ceremonies will be driving the refreshment carts around the course and they ask that you please tip wisely.
Since this is a learning experience, the organizers of this years Convention have set forth an aggressive schedule of meetings and discussions beginning the first thing tomorrow morning; around eleven-thirty. A 3-hour sit-down white-tablecloth breakfast will be held in the Trillion-Dollar Restaurant between 8 and 11 for those of you which are early risers. You may notice that the menu does not display prices, and all meals will be cooked to your order by our award winning chief; last years winner of the TV reality show, Hells Kitchen. It is suggested that you order property the first time, and not send any food back.
Monday - 11:30
Those wanting to learn more about undermining their constituents, blocking the whines from back home while living large and personally profiting from your stay in Washington, will want to gather in the Spin-Room where topics of discussion will be Mind-Reading, Filtering, Selective-Reasoning, Avoiding Hypocrisy, Derailing, Distracting, Placating and the Art of Double-Talk. This should be an especially lively discussion this year since the advent of gun-toting Tea Party enthusiasts. This will be a three-hour meeting, and those wishing to make use of the Congressional shooting-range afterwards, will need to sign up for the evening session with the Secret-Service Sportsman's Club. Those previously diagnosed as Schizoid, Schizotpal and Obsessive-Compulsives are encouraged to attend.