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Waterboarding to Complete My College Papers

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I’ve been contemplating taking the CIA approach when completing my school work. It seems a lot easier.

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In this economy, I have to be as efficient with my time as I can be. If I could be working a job instead of spending time completing papers or projects for classes in college, that would ensure I can take my rightful place among the class ladder in this American empire.

So, why not do like the CIA and just waterboard humans for information necessary to complete my papers and projects?  

I could seek out students or teachers on campus that I think know the information I need for completion of my papers or projects. I can then “pretend” to drown them (I wouldn’t actually drown them, right?) and eventually, they would begin to give me information necessary to finish my school work.

The waterboardings would be motivated by a “ticking time bomb” scenario. I have a deadline for finishing my project or paper. The “detainees” must be waterboarded 50, 100, in fact, 150 times, if necessary, so that I can get the research or information needed to properly footnote my claims in my paper.

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So what if they share their knowledge as a result of my abuse? If the CIA can abuse presumed terrorists for intelligence, I can abuse students and teachers for intelligence as well.

And in doing so, it means I do not have to go to the library and spend hours researching, I do not have to phone people for interviews that can be used as primary research, I do not have to spend days surfing the Internet for articles that may or may not be credible, etc.

Of course I would take all the proper precautions. I would consult the recently released memos to see what is acceptable and unacceptable when interrogating humans for information.

What could be wrong with my approach? Like the CIA, I need to discover the truth.

Robert Baer, an ex-CIA agent, thinks “the CIA needs to get out of the coercion business and back to “classical espionage”” and he “believes that “Obama should not stop there” and that a blue-ribbon presidential commission is needed to further investigate the entire issue of abusive interrogations.” (For More)

Baer thinks, if deeply investigated, an investigation would show that the “quality of information” the CIA gathered from abusive interrogations (a handy little euphemism for torture) would prove abuse of detainees has occurred for nothing.

Baer’s thinking explains why he’s ex- CIA and not still with the CIA. He just doesn’t believe in the medieval integration of abuse into the way information is collected.

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But this is how you build trust and how you ensure information is shared in a timely fashion.

If Baer only knew---This week I completed a five-to-ten page paper on genetics, a ten-to-fifteen page paper on child soldiers in Uganda, a seven page paper on the importance of Shakespeare in film, and a ten page paper on whether the U.S. can win the “war on terror.”

And you know what? It only took 30 waterboardings to get the student helping me with my paper to say, “Yes we can.”


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Kevin Gosztola is managing editor of Shadowproof Press. He also produces and co-hosts the weekly podcast, "Unauthorized Disclosure." He was an editor for

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