Top 10 Reasons Why Caroline Kennedy Should Be New York's Next Senator
Since Mr. Letterman has unaccountably failed to address this pressing issue, I offer the following humble summary of compelling reasons why other would-be candidates from New York should just get on with their pedestrian lives and leave the U.S. Senate appointment between New York Governor David A. Paterson and Ms. Caroline Kennedy.
Hey, what's so special about the process of running for city council, then mayor, maybe state senator or governor, and attempting a national office only after 15-20 years of public finance and public policy experience? Highly over-rated, if you ask most Americans. After all, look at all the wingnuts now in the House and Senate: most of them had prior electoral experience, quite a few Senators have law degrees, and look at the messes they have brought us with all that experience.
So, while there are many reasons from which to choose, here are just the top 10 reasons that Ms. Caroline Kennedy should be appointed as New York's junior Senator without further delay:
10. Ms. Kennedy lives in New York and is over 35. These firm Constitutional requirements can not be circumvented, even if you are a movie star or very rich and beautiful.
9. She is a fluent speaker of American English, and even gives her listeners time to catch up with her thinking by adding a lot of "YaKnows"- and "Uums"-.
8. She has never attended a madrassa, voted "present,"- or solicited sex in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport.
7. She is an equestrian, which bespeaks a deep familiarity with horsesh*t; this will help her to move about quickly on the U.S. Senate floor.
6. She has lots of money and her husband works outside the home, so there's no worry if the nation goes bankrupt from bail-outs and the Senate can't meet its payroll one day.
5. She has a law degree, and since Congress nominally makes laws, this skill could be very helpful if Congress ever got off its ass and developed universal health care, free college tuition, or sustainable energy legislation. (I know; get real! It'll never happen.)
4. She has written several books on Constitutional Law issues, an area the great majority of Senators (and Representatives) find totally unfamiliar.
3. Neither she nor her daughter, Rose, are now pregnant, we're pretty sure, nor is she having an affair with her personal trainer.
2. She is distantly related to Arnold Schwartznegger, a famous person and hero of mediocre movies with very simple plots; Schwartznegger has also played Governor of Kalliforneeya on TV, and Caroline sat next to him at a recent Kennedy family reunion.
And the number one reason Ms. Kennedy should be the next U.S. Senator from New York is"-.
1. She knows how PTAs work, and how to deal with passive-aggressive egotistical power-mad moms, so she will be able to handle plain old U.S. Senators just fine, thank you.
Not convinced yet? It is true that she never actually practiced law, but who really cares about that, anyway? She has worked at a real job for a total of 22 months in her whole life, as fund-raiser for the New York City Board of Education--a streamlined model of contemporary public-sector management at its finest--and she raised $22 million during her stint there. See how useful this life-skill will be for Senator from New York?