It's getting squirrely out there, Truthseekers. Break out the straitjackets and extra-large nets, because Michelle "Batty" Bachmann, Deadeye Dick Cheney, and Rush "Deaf by Temptation" Limbaugh have released their inner lunatics in their respective anti-Obama ravings this week.
Squeezing in behind his golden EIB microphone yesterday, the Oxymoron explained to his (mostly white male) audience that Obama was coming after their . . . penises. With sharp things. If he is not stopped, Obama will force circumcisions on the helpless, unwilling, white male victims of his Communist Health Care Plan.
Limbaugh explained". . . it is President Obama who wants mandated circumcision. We had that yesterday. That means if we need to save our penises from anybody, it's Obama."
This is even loonier -- and more racially inciting -- than The Drug Addict's concocted vision of President Obama hovering over your slumbering, lilly-white grandma with a pillow, ready to snuff her out, cuz he's decided she's lived long enough. Doesn't get much more Freudian than that, does it, Truthseekers? What a fabulous metaphor for (mostly white male) powerlessness in the age of Obama, the Black Avenger and Insane Granny-Killa.
(Keep hitting their little midbrains, Rush. Keep repeating the warning that The Other wants to kill your family and cut off your penis. Good boy. Well Done! Here's another Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut. And an "oxy" chaser.)
On the other hand, this wacky warning might actually have some benefit if, for example, it thins the ranks of those gun-totin' (mostly white male) protestors who keep popping up armed and outraged outside Obama's Town Hall meetings. I have a message for these would-be protestors: Take heed! President Obama's in town, and he's wielding forceps and an exacto knife! Grab your crotch and RUN! Save yourself! Distract him! Toss an old person into his path!
Meanwhile, a man whose lust for, and appreciation of, death, destruction, and mayhem exceeds even The Pigman's -- Deadeye Dick Cheney -- has warped reality to such a mind-bending, time-twisting degree that he actually believes the recently released CIA documents that prove detainees were criminally tortured to the point of death vindicates his claim that he did the right thing, the necessary thing, the patriotic thing. Cheney's backward, battery-operated bizarro world operates exactlyas Orwell's 1984: Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength; Torture is Compassion.
If you will.
"The documents released Monday clearly demonstrate that the individuals subjected to Enhanced Interrogation Techniques provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about al Qaeda. This intelligence saved lives and prevented terrorist attacks" The Dark Lord hissed.
Deadeye Dick is particularly displeased that Attorney General Eric Holder is opening an investigation into the war crimes he commanded the CIA to carry out over the past eight years. In response to the dedication of those seriously warped CIA-lings, he recently bestowed his sinister praise and Black Sabbath-y blessings on the minions he sent forth to carry out his evil deeds and dark biddings: "The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney growled. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions." Then he collapsed into a column of bats and scattered into the night.
Speaking of bats, Michelle Bachmann has truly escaped her crawl-space once and for all. Holding what she called a "tele-town-hall" online meeting to discuss health care reform, titled "Keeping Faith with the Unborn," (love that title) she warned of the forced, government-mandated abortions that were to come if God didn't stop Obama from killing babies.
Is the thought of universal health care for all Americans so terrifying that the mere possibility has brought Bachmann to her knees, praying to her Savior that we be denied affordable health insurance? Reaching out to her faithful followers (from a safe tele-town-halled distance, mind you) and pleading with them to fast and pray so that no American anywhere will suffer the eternal damnation of reasonably priced medical insurance premiums and prescription drugs! EVER!
"Everything that all of us have worked together and labored for over the years, all of it could be undermined with this one bill. President Obama realizes that. The radicals that are on the pro-abortion left, they realize that. They could win it all. And the unborn, and the vulnerable, the disabled and those at the end of life could lose it all . . . Remember, faith without works is dead. So we're asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act," she dreamily sang into the video camera.
I half expected the aging and weirdly coiffed televangelist Earnest Angley to pop out from behind a pillar of fire, stick a finger in his ear and direct Americans to just "say BABY JESUS! That will heal you! You don't need Obamination Care! Just pray to the Tiny Baby Jesus! He'll lay a healing on ye!" while Bachmann, eyes fluttering and lips quivering, raises her hands skyward and speaks in tongues. To the TelEPromptR.
Besides, Obama just wants to cut off your penis, so how's that gonna help you, right?
To recap the current crop-o-crazy: Limbaugh warns that Obama wants your penis, Darth Cheney claims that evidence of criminal torture -- to the point of death -- proves he did a good thing, and Crazy Eyez Bachmann prays that God stops the Obama baby-killing juggernaut and urges us to fast so that the Good Lord will be pleased with the offering of our suffering and will save us from affordable health care.