[DISCLAIMER: The proceeding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns.]
So it's been an exciting few weeks for Antifa and the rest of the neoliberal Resistance. OK, they haven't yet managed to overthrow the Putin-Nazi occupation government (hereinafter "POG"), but they've definitely got "the Fash" on the run. "Fascism" hysteria is spreading like wildfire. Liberal Twitter mobs are out for blood. At this point, it's only a matter of time until the sleeping giant of normality awakens and purges America of the fascist filth that have Putin-Nazified this once great nation.
Antifa has been at the vanguard of the fight, smashing the Fash on both East and West Coasts. In Portland, where a gang of neo-fascist anti-masturbationists known as the "Proud Boys" had assembled for a self-promotional street fight they were billing as the "Battle of Portland 2," Antifa militants positively identified and preventatively beat the living snot out of a journalist named Andy Ngo. To prevent him from snitching to the fascist cops (who are allegedly working hand in hand with POG), they self-defensively robbed him, sprayed him with silly string, and pelted him with vegan milkshakes.
Now, before you get all up in arms about Antifa assaulting and robbing journalists, you need to know a couple of things. First, according to Antifa spokespersons, and those bloodthirsty liberal Twitter mobs, Andy Ngo is a "fascist adjacent," and possibly even a card carrying fascist. Antifa representative Alexander Reid Ross claims that Ngo is personally responsible for putting people's names on a Nazi "kill-list" (or at least that Ngo's writing has been published by Quillette, which published an article by someone else that some fascists read and copied people's names from), so, basically, he deserves to die.
Also, assaulting and robbing Ngo was technically "preemptive self-defense" (you know, the same as when we invaded Iraq to defend ourselves from those WMDs). Despite their helmets and body armor, and the fact that Ngo is a doughy little gay guy, his presence among them on a public street was making Antifa feel "unsafe." So, they had no choice but to beat him senseless, steal his camera, and vegan milkshake him. As Antifa expert Mark Bray explains, when you're Antifa, "fighting back is always self-defense,even if [you] strike the first blow." (This logic only applies to anti-fascists, of course, like Antifa and the U.S. military, and not to, you know, gangs of thugs, or the perpetrators of wars of aggression.)
Antifa's self-defensive mugging of a journalist apparently scared the crap out of POG, because one week later, back in Washington, D.C., President Hitler called in the tanks, and the Luftwaffe, and announced that he was going to stage a reenactment of a Nuremberg Rally right in front of the Lincoln Memorial. The liberal intelligentsia went apeshit. This was really it this time! Putin had given Trump the green-light to declare martial law and pronounce himself Fuhrer. The long-awaited Putin-Nazi Apocalypse was finally about to begin!
Unfortunately, Trump's Fourth of July Jamboree turned out to be a rather tame affair. He even almost made it through his speech without making an ass of himself. This was extremely disappointing for liberals, who were hoping he would go full-Hitler, paint "death's heads" on the turrets of the Bradleys and a Swastika on the tail of Air Force One, and order ICE to start rounding up the Jews.
The weekend wasn't a total let-down, however. The Proud Boys (who are clearly gluttons for punishment), staged another self-promotional event, this one billed as "Defend Free Speech." A few hundred people turned up to listen to speeches by a handful of alt-right clowns desperately trying to reignite their careers. They were outnumbered 2 to 1 by Antifa, Black Lives Matter, assorted drag queens, and an indigenous, two-spirited transperson of color, who reportedly "performed a spoken word" on the meaning of the term "latinx."
The D.C. police (who are even more fascist than the Portland police who stood by and watched as Antifa beat up and robbed a journalist) fascistically prevented Antifa militants from storming into the Alt-right rally and beating the snot out of everyone in sight. So, the anti-fascists had no choice but to preemptively attack a newspaper dispenser, which was presumably making them feel "unsafe," or disseminating POG propaganda, or something. One of them tried to burn a flag, but he couldn't figure out how to operate his matches. Assorted other hilarious acts of revolutionary direct action followed. Apparently, Antifa's strategy was to smash the Fash by amusing them to death.
Meanwhile, militant Resistance actions against the POG "concentration camps" continue. New York City, San Francisco, and other liberal metropolitan areas have almost completely emptied out as liberals flock to the southern border to liberate the surviving prisoners. Conditions in the camps are now beyond inhuman. According to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, migrants are being forced to drink out of toilets, and otherwise subjected to "systematic cruelty," (so you can understand why liberals are physically putting their bodies on the line to bring an end to this horrifying sadism, and not just sitting around on the Internet shrieking about "concentration camps" as they travel to their summer holiday rentals on Martha's Vineyard, or the Hamptons, or wherever).
No, these Putin-Nazi "concentration camps" are nothing at all like the "detention facilities" the Obama administration operated, even though they look exactly the same. Sure, thousands of migrant children were separated from their parents, in cages, and there were tens of thousands of incidents of rape, sexual abuse, beatings, and so on, but, otherwise, these Obama "detention facilities" were more like great big 2-star hotels, or like student dorms at a state university, so there was no need for liberals to get all worked up and start comparing them to places like Dachau and Buchenwald.
Plus, here's a picture of dead people! Look at this picture! These people are dead! So just shut up about Obama already! Enough with history, and critical thinking, and the practical aspects of immigration policy! It's time to abolish all national borders, issue everyone a U.S. passport, and transcend the whole concept of national sovereignty " or at least to provide the capitalist ruling classes with an endless supply of cheap, undocumented, extremely compliant unskilled labor. Those Bel Air lawns aren't going to mow themselves!
Jesus, I can't believe I just wrote that. Concentration camps and dead people are nothing to joke about. It's OK, however, to cynically use them to whip people up into a paroxysm of manufactured mass fascism hysteria. Not that the neoliberal ruling classes and the corporate media would ever do that. No, they would never repeatedly attempt to evoke our hatred of the actual Nazis (and their actual concentration camps " which people were dragged out of their homes, loaded onto trains, and shipped away to, and which you could not voluntarily depart) in order to short circuit our critical thinking, or otherwise emotionally manipulate us into supporting their War on Populism.
No, the Putin-Nazi occupation government is not just manufactured mass hysteria concocted by the neoliberal ruling classes. Donald Trump is really a Nazi. There's a portrait of Hitler in the Oval Office. Putin really controls America. Putin, and his cabal of Russian Nazis. They're everywhere. They own the banks. They control the media. They control elections. They are the "International Invisible Government." (Is any of this sounding vaguely familiar?) They are devising the Final Solution to the Immigrant Problem right this minute. They are doing this at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump has had a big "Black Sun" etched into the marble floor.
So, if you're serious about your anti-fascism, now's the time to load up on silly string, ski goggles, masks, hard knuckle gloves, and whatever you make those milkshakes with. POG might be on the run at the moment, but there's an election season coming up, so we need to be prepared for anything. The important thing is to remain hysterical, and to be ready to respond to whatever emotional stimuli the ruling classes wave in our faces. The fate of democracy hangs in the balance.
Oh, and watch out for those fascist newspaper dispensers!