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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 5/30/16

The Rise of "Donald The Goat"

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And it came to pass that in the Year of the Goat, and the quest for the new Head Ram, the competition did get more and more raucous. The Land of the Rams Domain (LORD) was indeed pregnant with many goats all bidding for the right to lead this land of many. There emerged two parties of goat politics. The BEAST -- Because Each Are Stupid Too, was in the lead, while the other RAPE -- Rams Against People Everyday was campaigning full blast in a climate made stinker by the proximity of the raunchy masses of horns and sweaty bodies.

But there emerged from the great hordes of stupid goats a pot-bellied, small-hoofed goat with an unruly tuft of hair between his bent horns with a penchant for disjointed bleating, that reminded many a proud goat of their mortal enemy - the sheep. He was an oddity in goat politics, an unlikely goat-candidate full of ego, and willing to head-butt any and all challengers. He did not like the sheep that lived nearby. He also threatened to "build a wall" to keep them out preventing them from mixing with "us goats." But this goat, a mean and angry fellow, was also attacking the elders of the goat community and insulting the nannies. This caused many an angry and sustained bleating.

Who is this upstart? What does he want? Why is he doing this? We are the REAL BEASTs! Not him! Let him go and join with RAPE! We do not want him, they raged. But if the Billy heard them he did not show it! He continued to cause great consternation to many a goat and a whole lot of sheep.

Now on this day in reaction to the Old Goats of BEAST attacks, he made it very clear that RAPE was an alternative and that he'd not shy away for joining RAPE -- in fact he was going to enjoy being in RAPE! This would be tremendous, because he was going to win big, very big. This only served to alarm members of BEAST and they resolved to unseat him from his perch and purge him of his evil ways.

But this was no easy goat and he soon told everybody that the "rams were not really rams and they were "billies." He said that henceforth he would be called Billy the Goat since "rams were sheep!" as a matter of fact uncastrated sheep! Now the campaign was in turmoil since this revelation only served to boost the chances of "Billy the Goat" with the unruly hair. This Billy was telling everyone that he alone could unite the community and that "the nannies really loved me, trust me."

Then all the goats cried out that "billy" was not really a name but a description of a male goats so: what's your name? your real name!" And the billy goat said in loud bombastic tones -- "Donald, Donald you smelly beasts!" No, no!" said they, "we are not BEASTS but members of RAPE that you told us to join! You got it all wrong!" Whereupon Donald the Goat shouted back "You know you are really nasty goats, really nasty. Just like the goats that tell stories. Nasty, very nasty. This is yuge! Here it is I want to "Make You Goats Great Again" and all you stupid goats could think only about is sheep, grass and nannies. Unbelievable!"

"But nannies are important too! They take care of our kids! You need to love the nannies!" the goats all shouted in unison.

"Nannies love me, right, all right? I have kids too. Great kids. My kids are great kids, all right? So stop your bleating. I have nannies in my family why if one of my kid nannies were not my own kid, I would be having kids with her, right? She's so pretty. I have very pretty kids. Very pretty," Donald the Goat thundered.

And all of the assembled goats members of Because Each Are Stupid Too bleated in unison and appreciation and marveled at the great wisdom of Donald the Goat soon to be called Donald the Great Goat. This was tremendous. Incredible.

And it came to pass that later on the hordes of goats asked questions about grass, water, shelter from the rain, and how to handle the neighboring sheep. Thus said Donald the Goat impart his wisdom:

"You don't have to worry about grass. Goats, this thing about grass getting scarce is just so much, pardon the expression, goat's dung rolled up in tiny balls. Water? We have rivers, right? All right? So water is no problem. As for the sheep? I already told you I'll be building a wall, right? A beautiful wall. C'mon goats"a wall. Right? I'll build a very high wall, a big wall and it will be great, all right? "

The goats all burst out cheering as the sage elders bowed their heads and lowered their horns. They were dumbstruck by Donald the Goat's lack of understanding of things, well, affecting goats. "Goats, goats, there is a traitor on board. Examine your horns! Examine your horns! Not all beard is a goat's beard!"

Alas, all this fell on deaf ears because the goats were fed up with the elders of Because Each Are Stupid Too. And so it was that Donald the Goat, later called Donald the Billy Goat, later called The Billy Goat, did speak of things hoof like, and explained his male goat reproductive parts in language the common goat could understand, and all the while the goats -- male and female -- marveled at his wisdom and how he spoke their language.

And the elders again did dwell in deep philosophical thought pondered long and hard on the question that how it was that goats have now become sheep -- bleating stupidly and incessantly.

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MICHAEL DERK ROBERTS Small Business Consultant, Editor, and Social Media & Communications Expert, New York Over the past 20 years I've been a top SMALL BUSINESS CONSULTANT and POLITICAL CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST in Brooklyn, New York, running (more...)

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