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OpEdNews Op Eds    H2'ed 7/5/11

The Last Weiner

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Message Larry Beinhart
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From Truthdig

Once again a weiner has been rubbed in our face.
Yes, a political penis has escaped from its place.
It's a scandal, an outrage, an erectile disgrace,
this tale of a penis caught so far from its base.

Yes, it's happened again, as it happened before,
a wandering penis off in search of some more.
Now the pundits swarm their packs to deplore
the politician who is caught while trying to score.

The Condition

Clinton was my favorite I readily confess,
Monica's knee-pads and the stain on her dress.
John Ensign so moral and so very pro-life,
paid his aide very well for the use of his wife.
Larry Craig taught us all an obscure Midwest dance,
the one whose first step is called a wide stance.
Mark Sanford cried tears after he'd seen her.
That was his soul mate down in Argentina.
Chris Lee trolled topless in the maze of Craig's list,
and now he's gone, but not at all missed.

John Edwards had a sordid and tragic affair,
a videographer fell in love with his hair.
Eliot Spitzer paid more than we knew a man could.
Is there really a hooker who can do it that good?
Eric Massa did something very hard to believe,
tickled a staffer "till he couldn't breathe."
Then to make sure his train was truly a wreck,
he went and explained it, out loud, on Glenn Beck.

Mark Foley's fame will roll down through the ages
as the first man to be caught sexting his pages.
David Vitter represents Southern tradition,
going with hookers then showing contrition.
Clarence Thomas deserves his very own joke,
for placing a pubic hair on the can of a Coke.

Why? Oh Why?

Is it the fault of the liberals, the hippies, the Jews?
Repression, recession, the fault of the news?
Could we have avoided all of these dreadful disasters,
if we listened to our priests and heeded our pastors?
That sounds oh, very right, but actually it worse is,
pedophiles so often make their perches in churches.
And powerful preachers so very often lose their way
coming out of the closet they've been in being gay.
The strict teaching of religion, to everyone's great sorrow,
didn't work yesterday and it won't work tomorrow.

Why We Have to Care

There's a war in Afghanistan and one in Iraq,
but what's important is who has crawled into whose sack.
In underground bunkers they're building nukes in Iran
while American journalists connect the weiner to the man,
they trot out psychologists and experts to explain
why a man having sex can't be considered quite sane,
that some strange aberration must have affected his brain
And he must check into rehab to abolish the stain.

This includes the presumption that it all runs one way
That no woman would ever want some man to stray.
No woman would stalk, seduce, entice and display
Flirt, flutter, vamp and sashay, until some poor dick comes out to play.
Women must be the victims because they are coming from Venus
while men are from Mars so it's clearly the fault of the penis.

How should we get energy? Who can figure that out?
Climate change, global warming, what's that really about?
That's one of those issues that's way too complex,
aren't you glad we're clear about who shouldn't have sex?

Who can fix the economy, correct the financial mess?
It's marital fidelity that predicts who will have success.
You wouldn't let a plumber fix the pipes in your house
if you knew he had been with someone who wasn't his spouse.
You wouldn't let a mechanic change the brakes on your car
if you knew with some girl he'd gone a little too far.
You would never let a surgeon cut into your abdomen
Unless you were certain he was too pure to sin.

There Is a Solution

This needs to be solved, this needs a real fix.
We need a new combination, we need a new mix
to save the world from men getting their kicks,
and the news media full of nothing but pricks.
To find a solution, one that really will work
we must go back to the way of the Ottoman Turk.
With a powerful empire, so rich, wide and vast,
they needed to invent a special political caste.
Call them castratos, you may call them eunuchs
Either way they were men without working dicks.

That's what we must do with all our political men
Geld them, deball them, leave their crotches like Ken.
When a politician takes his pants off, no one will yell
he'll be nice, smooth and round, like a doll from Mattel.
This will in no way inhibit or limit our political classes
They will still be able to talk out of their asses.
We are already ruled by the confused and the witless
it can't be any worse if they're also made dickless.

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LARRY BEINHART is the author of SALVATION BOULEVARD,  a major motion picture with Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear, Jennifer Connelly, Marissa Tomei, Ed Harris, and Jim Gaffigan, WAG THE DOG, The LibrarianFog Facts: Searching for Truth in the Land of Spin  and HOW TO WRITE A (more...)

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