The GOP, long led by Dick Cheney the Inquisitor, has made a persistent case for the water boarding of suspected terrorists. Enhanced interrogation, they call it. Perhaps, the use of enhanced interrogation should be expanded to include certain key GOP members of Congress who ceaselessly obstruct any and all efforts to improve the economy and create jobs. They are in essence, economic terrorists, and they are united economic terrorists, so why not?
While posing for cameras and spouting rehearsed talking points is common in the halls of Congress, truth telling is rare, indeed. How about a little coerced truth, straight from the mouths of the Republican reps that love cameras.
Let's start with the Weeper of the House, John Boehner, but go easy, because he cries like a little girl:
- Why do you oppose any and all legislation that would increase taxes on the very wealthy?
Because they are the people who pay the big bucks to keep me in office, and they have made me a millionaire, plus that would mean I would have to vote to increase my own taxes. I am not that stupid.
- Why do you oppose any legislation that could help to create jobs?
Well, hey, that hurts! Okay, I'll tell you. If jobs improve, then nobody's gonna be mad at Obama anymore, and then I won't get to be Speaker of the House. It's our job to keep people out of work and angry.
- Who is paying you to do these things?
Not the 99%, that's for sure! I was a 99%'er when I was working in that hell hole of a bar my family owns, but now I've got it wired. The 99% pay my federal salary and perks, and the 1% buy my loyalty and votes.
- Why are you always crying?
Have you ever had your testicles in a vise? My buddy, Grover--you know how he is--anytime he thinks I'm about to go rogue, he tightens the grip. And those Koch brothers, they pitch in and man the screws when Grover gets tired. By the way, you gonna do this to Eric? Talk about a little weasel...he wants my job!
Yes, Johnny, your buddy Eric Cantor is next, but he looks a little fragile. For him, we'll just use an electrified polygraph. It's kind of like that electrified fence you guys are all so big on.
- Eric, do you really believe the outrageous things you say?
No.
- Why'd you answer so fast, Mr. Cantor?
You have me wired. I don't want any pain.
- But isn't that what you keep proposing for the citizens of this country?
Yes, but that's different because it's not me who's suffering the pain.
- Okay Eric, let's get to it. Who pays you to say things like, "We can't tax the job creators, the only way you will get FEMA aid is if we cut some other social program, the Occupy Movement is a mob. You understand the question?
Well, as you know, I kind of have an 'in' with the financial sector. My wife used to be a V.P. at Goldman-Sachs. Even now, I have an 'in'. The bank my wife currently works for actually got TARP funds, so if I have to answer, the financial sector pays me. We like to call it 'shared success'; kind of a little word play on 'shared sacrifice'. Yes, the financial sector butters my bread. As for the Occupy Movement Mob, until they showed up, we were winning the class-war because no one even knew there was a war going on. They have big mouths...and we're gonna shut 'em down!
- What about the FEMA comments?
Look, we cannot be rescuing people from man-made or natural disasters. My belief, they are on their own, unless of course, they want to trade on their future Medicare benefits--then we'll take a look. Geez, it's not like these people are banks! Now, the banks, they're another story. They need any help? I am right there for them!
- One more question, Mr. Cantor. What about John Boehner? He thinks you want his job. Any truth to that?
That cry baby! The tan man, we call him. Well, to tell you the truth (since I have to), You bet I want his job! Wouldn't mind having the turtle's job either...
- The turtle? Who is the turtle?
My good friend, Mitch McConnell. You know, the Senator.
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